The Soulful Atom

- Good night -- Early today? - No -- So good night as in you are free of the stress? - (good night as in - look at me, give me attention, ask me something, tell me something, buy me macaroons even if i can buy them myself, buy me flowers, sweet nothings, just stay by me in the moment, take a walk with me, see me, hold me on your own, caress my hair, pat my back to sleep, take a break from work, look at the sky and the birds with me, walk barefeet in the grass with me, tell me the color of my eyes, dropby at my doorstep unannounced, notice me....) - Lol.

Oh forlorn moon... You are a manifestation of the almighty.. Blessing the dark nights with your glow.. you wane and wax but you are always there.. even if you are but a sliver.. you bring hope.. your light penetrates the darkest of places.. bless us so our hearts continue to find the light.. lead us when darkness strikes.. remind us to look deeper, help us so that we don't stray.. stay with us, for the sun shines and warms us in the day but you are our real hero..

Because there is no place else to post this. Because there is no one to talk to about this. Because probably insurance won't payout. Because I've been done since a long time ago...

Whisky glazed like honeyed almonds Rum soaked like raisins in a christmas cake Vodka spiked like the stars sparkling overhead Beer frothed like giggles in the bright summer sun Gin invigorated like a teenagers carefree laugh Champagne glittered like a Cullian on her crown Wine cajoled like a silken scarf on a slender neck Memories all of them. And they come back Time and again when the moment is right Very opportunistic these memories I tell you.

The day slowly calls its a night.. As the evening light slowly creeps around me Slowly it gathers its brilliant robes, painting itself away.. Making way for darkness to fill the empty room. The leaves are still today, as if they know something. Its not the calm before a storm but a calm of knowing, the calm of reassurance. The light and dark and enmeshed now. Impossible to tell one from the other. The moment when you can't make up your mind if you need to turn on the lights, or leave them be. This dance of theirs, a daily phenomenon But a routine like today is a thing to behold. When the soul feels awake The way it is starting to feel like with you, a becoming

I've begun. Many times before. To let go.. Here today, on your first death anniversary, I begin again (you would've loved this reference). Its a middle somewhere, of my many beginnings.. This letting go isn't, however, as the ones I've tried before, where a little bit of hope always lingered. You will always be an important part of me, i did put you on the pedestal back then and never ever did i removed you from there.. I will check back on you from time to time. When the sky looks particularly pretty or when the raindrops ease into a quiet peaceful rhythm.. (How desperately you wanted peace, and how vehemently i snatched it away from you, until the very end..) But i will not hold on tightly now, nor look for you in every bald head or every whiff of polo black.. I'm letting go of your active fragments.. A tear may escape if i'm caught off guard once a while.. But the fragments won't pierce my very soul anymore, they have now quietened, ensconced deep inside somewhere and i shall let them rest, covered in the warm blanket of all the things that joined us and the universe.. They shall rest there, as will you- here and elsewhere.. My sweet bull. It was always a declaration- until the very end. #Always.

Time doesn't erase it. It just covers it up. Dulls the pain. But its still there. something felt deeply and purely never leaves you. because it was born of you, it is a part of you. like an old man's knees in winter. It still stays, creeking and not really crumbling. Sometimes time makes us forget the exact cause but the pangs do come back often. Calling from deep deep within. Like a voice calling from the depths of a forgotten well.