The Soulful Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Would the crystalline blue, falling out of the heavens, prick me in the eye, pierce me with agony and wash me out of existence?
Would it bless my soul with peace and serenity?

Would the ever green shade shelter me again?
Would it feed me to the famished creatures of my fears this time?

Would the red liquid rushing from the excruciating wounds behave itself later, if now I swallow it?
Would it cease to exist if I hold on? Would it thrive if I let go?

A blinding short-lived light of insane hope awakens me for an unfortunate instance, tricks me in believing my wishes would come true,
My wishes would defeat my dreams.
My infinite dreams made of nightmares whose jagged unmerciful claws still clutch me close to their wicked cold empty heart, present me to the ghosts of a dead past worth decay.

Burnt by the heat of love, stabbed by the ogle of lust, crushed beneath the saddle of ignorance..

Would it be like my wishes later, if I let the demons decide the fate of my vulnerable soul for now?
Should I let them be my masters? The ruse of humanity, the farces of friendship and the masquerade of love..

Would it be like I want it to be, if I do what they ask me to?
Would it be?


- Super Bitch.

It feels a bit incomplete but everything went blank after this. Its as lost and confused as me! So voila!

Your memories are the lump of hot molten iron in my throat..
They push down and the iron melts more, dropping down,
Cutting through my chest,
Churning and Gashing in my stomach ..
They churn and crush, they slash and gnash my whole being by an intoxicating radiance..
Till I can stand no more, till i succumb to the overpowering refulgence, till I throw up the colorful brightness..
The torturing cruelly agonizing memories come pouring out bidding adieu..
Yet another roller coaster of emotions sets out on a bitter-sweet ride re-visiting the agonies and ecstasies of the foregone..
That molten iron part of yours belongs to me..
Frozen in the moments gone by..
Held there by thin yet strong strands of my love..
When all the dreams were happy and seemed to come true all because of you!
I stretch my hand out unwilling to let go..
Feel your memories caress and console me helping me regain my peace..
Laying motionless then I hold on tight as they hug me back, proving their actuality
At least they shall stay, being a part of my existence.. Clinging.. Forever..
At least they shall stay.. If not you..
- The Unstable Atom

BP- You rock baby!
CP- Totally...



Today the sky chose to wear the colors of my mood or shall I say moods! The deep grayish blue mass was swallowing the sky and a rainbow broke and sprinkled itself through the robes of the heavens as widely as possible :-) Not so clear but then no artificial eye can capture the beauty of nature as the nature's gifted eye can!! So cheers!!

FINALLY!!!!!!!!! My most beloved rain has not been able to hold back and poured all over me yesterday!! The whole day clouds kept giving signs of my beloved's arrival, I was satisfied with the signs alone but there was indeed a secret nagging which kept me vigilant, looking out of the window, my ears sharp for any sound of a drop, nose alert for any smell of the cherished darling meeting his (the Earth).. Nothing happened all the day through which did nothing to dampen my spirits though, as I said I was happy with the signs alone. Yesterday was the day of football test (It consists of dribbling, juggling, shooting, some other skills, rugby and fitness tests). I was on ground early for it was not possible to stay at home when the indications were so strong. There they were the clouds.. Full and round, Black and beastly promising to engulf the whole of Earth, She seemed to be trembling with the promise. Awaiting just like me for our Precious. ;-) The smile on my face which occasionally spurted out as a laugh could not be wiped out by anything under the sky.
As I continued practicing my juggling, (test had to start yet as many players were on their way and yet to reach) I could feel the breeze growing colder, turning into wind and picking up dust on its way to nowhere.. Then there was the first drop, as minute as it could get on the wrist of my right hand.. As if wanting to lead me to my love. I was exhilarated, but i stayed I knew he would come for me.. And he didn't make me wait long.. Soon the wind blowed himself out and there His Majesty graciously arrived flanked by intoxicating lightening and daunting thunder.. The Earth raised to greet him. Took him in her earthly arms.. I could just watch and be astounded by what I was feeling.. Then came the love-making, which swept me off my feet (well literally*). After 365 days of wait, The two lovers could try but not hide their pure anguish of being away from each other, the wild desperation, the untainted excitement fused with absolute delirious delight and simple happiness.. It was an exuberant welcome.. The Earth didn't know where to put him and what to do, all she could do was to ask the wind to come back and hide them from the envious evil eye of the world. And so did the wind oblige.. He raised a ghastly alarm. He blew hard , He blew bad, He blew fiercely, He blew with all his strength and He blew all of us away..
*Literally, all the players on the ground were being blown away. The kids had to be brought to the shelter. Some of the stray footballs blew away and as I tried to retrieve them I was nearly thrown on the ground by managed to stay on my feet with the support of a tree which looked as if it would give away any moment and take me with it.. So then we waited for a while and let the wind continue its job and He was doing well, we could see nothing of the love-making of the two lovelorn lovers.. The whiteness on the ground, like mist, was unimaginable and I was experiencing this for the first time.. I could feel the Earth shudder as she was nearing the climax and so was the cataract.. We were being splashed with the showers even in the shelter. Then both the lovers gave in and the rain subsided a bit.. La terre calmed down a bit too.. They then glowed in the aftermath, they cuddled and whispered and talked of their long days apart.. The rain told the earth of how she had deteriorated in her health but yet her beauty was surreal. The earth complained of the his late arrival and the pains of her wait.. He consoled her that this time he would stay and hoped that the humans would be clever enough to make the arrangements for him to stay for the period of time that he should for their own good. They contemplated global warming which is a nagging nightmare for both.. They both pondered awhile and then let it go wanting to live in d moment lost in each other's arms..
The rain ebbed a bit and that was our cue! Bang we were on d ground geared with a rugby ball and all set.. Then came the real fun.. The Romeo n Juliet had left a pool of water more than ankle-deep. The whole football field is now converted into a mini lake! So there we were splashing away and enjoying ourself.. The game (four against four) was full of lovely tackles, according to sir, and lots of tries and many bruises which were felt later in the night.. After an hour of mud fighting we all were exhausted with what all the laughing and finding gaps and scoring.. In someone's devilish mind was a plan of pile ons!! I was the first target.. Was brought down on my back with all the 8-9 others on me strangling me with the muddy water into my ears and mouth!! It was great fun however ;-) I admit. Then came two more pile ons and we were totally completely done for the day! It was one of the best evenings in my life, another additions to the moments and days which will be guarded close to my heart and which shall always be cherish..
Even the two hours long journey back home, which usually take 15 minutes on my bike, owing to a traffic jam could not dither my élan! :-) Later I found out it was due to the offerings that the Earth made in honor of her beloved.. The sacrifices that She made on His arrival.. Trees were uprooted and Huge branched were snapped off.. This was a spectacle of love.. The earth blossoms again as an aftermath sprinkled with beautiful colors.. May their love bring the most ravishing and pulchritudinous fruit that man has ever witnessed! Bless them both..
HAPPY MONSOON now and always!! :-)

Broken. Bleeding. Beaten. Waiting to be buried at the hands of love.. Knowing full well that this last wish will not be granted, the small splintered heart shall always be waiting, looking out from its bed of bloody fragments, though the rest will move on.. It shall always throb with your love like the pulse in your neck on the emerald grass.. It shall go on knowing that, though you are not around, you walk the same earth as its feet, you breathe the same oxygen air as its nose, you have the same sky for your shelter as its head does, you drink water from the same waters as its mouth does. Loving itself for you have touched it. Conquered it. and you shall always stay in it, which is rightfully your home. I shall suffer more than ever, I'm aware of that fact but I shall wait.. Like never before.. For you..

CP- Oh my thats some story!! Great love and all that.
BP- Sob Sob.
CP- Ha ha. Ya right BP!!
BP- *grin*
CP- Thank god for a moment I thought you actually thought it to be true AND felt something!
BP- Now accept that I can act! I rock man!

What does one do when all the emotions come together have wreck havoc on you senses? Rather only one feeling wages a war against all the rest and still persists? Leaving the brain as well as the heart incapable of pursuing anything other than experiencing the feeling. When you are completely unable to define it and yet know its color taste and feel so well as if it has been with you every moment of you life.. When you try to get rid of it, it clings on. If you let go, it still holds on and when you accept it, it still stays there throbbing with life more lively and joyous than ever! If the feeling is so joyous why doesn't always bring joy to the person to whom it belongs? Why, when the sentiment in itself is so pure and radiates life, are there patches of time when the emotion at its high brings a wave of sadness with a ting of foreboding? Is it just to make one realize that this happiness may not stay forever? or to make one realize the worth and importance of being able to feel such a thing? Should these doubts be left untouched? Will the search for a solution soil its purity? One should just carry on and feel it to the fullest. Doubts may not make it weaker cause maybe these questions too are the children of the feeling itself..

YIPPEE!! Exam's over! Thats what you would get to hear nearly every half hour if you are around me since yesterday. Yes the much awaited day has finally done the favor of arriving! The end of the war can be termed as happy for the simple reason that its an end. With many of the poor grey cells slaughtered, the remaining ones which were prepared to fight still not able to digest the shock of start of the battle and under the impression that its still going on continue to mar my dreamland with various confused answers of different subjects making me wake up sweating and close to screaming only to the realization that its nothing but illusions of my poor tired, beaten and helpless brain cells. My hand that instinctively reaches out for d book shelf and again I realize that something is wrong as its not the right place for my hand to go as the exam has just finished!!

So after having dealt with the scary illusions and involuntary movements of hand, I try to think of the many things which I'm at a complete liberty to indulge in (that is without the feeling of guilt which otherwise is continuously hammering at my soul). Suddenly, however, I feel lost as my mind goes blank (more than usual, that is) for not having anything concrete at hand and again I go to the book shelf, this time voluntarily, to get out the old n dog eared notebooks which have still been preserved since 7-8 years, having a few of my creations itched on them in ink. Going through the much worn off papyrus made the treasured memories which had been safely tucked in the safety vault gush out, like water does when the earth is struck at the precise point beneath which the treasure lies.

CP and BP both seem to agree that a few of my childish creations deserve a place on the blog. I'm still debating with them but I don't think my side stands much chance in front of them and some other people who have made similar demands.

So starting with re-writing my poems on fresh pages I have entered into the much desired state of doing what I want, WITHOUT being taunted and questioned, that is! :-)

BP- Chase them off!
CP- I'm thinking bald!
BP- I'm thinking blue..
CP- Today is special!
BP- Cheers! (I get the last word)

(Ya, its one of the precious few days when both seem to agree on the same thing)