The Soulful Atom

You would..
Its only natural..
It breaks my heart and it tortures me...
But i know you would..
Its only natural and it might make you happy..
I hope it does..
Your happiness matters more than anything else..
Everyone's always did..
Your smile makes me smile..
n your frown makes me frown..
It only obvious..
That you should want to..
Its ok..
I understand.. Thats what its all about..
The pain means nothing..
If you are happy..
If you smile..
The world seems to be a better place..
Theres sunshine all around..
or should i say "rain"?
It rained tonight..
As i cried..
He accompanied me..
My lost love was back to be there for me..
For little time.. but he was there.. since you couldn't be..
And maybe you would be.. i wish he could be there for the whole year..
Each day that i feel this pain.. which would mean everyday..
Wish he could just be by my side.. caress me.. hold me close..
Like you cannot... i so wish..
i know.. you would.. do as i fear you are.. its only natural.. its only obvious..
As long as you sleep well.. as long as you are happy..
i know you would..
I know you are.. doing as i don't want to know..

i don't want you..
neither your memories..
don't look at me with those eyes..
you are nothing but sorrow stored deep in there..
sorrow for me, after you are gone..
you steal away everything..
you selfish creature..
i don't love you..
so don't look at me like that..
don't be there for me, when i'm all alone trying to fight my demons..
when no one from my race is there for me..
when no human heart can understand me..
you have no right to understand me..
to be there for me no matter what..
you have no right to leave me all alone wallowing in the sorrow of all the beautiful precious memories you left back..
that is all you left back..
Your memories.. Of the wonderful being you were..
of teaching all beings the right way of living..
of giving without expecting more than a pat on the head, or call of your name..
i don't want you..
please don't leave me alone..
no one can understand me better than you do..
please stay..
Its not done.. Its not fair!!
bit away all you want..
gobble up everything you like..
dirty the mat..
break the pots..
jump up the sofas n beds..
but just stay..
do whatever you like..
just stay..
why did you leave me alone??

I'm a vagabond..
The one that lives deep within you..

I'm a vagabond..
Drifting from one heart to the other..
Leaving my prints everywhere..
Carrying everyone with me..
A part, a drop, a morsel and a twinkle from the soul..

I know not where i go,
I know not what i want..

The roads open up for me..
Their dirt beckons me..

I follow them wherever the lead me..
To a tree, a dog, a rock, a river, a blade of grass..
A drop of dew, a bug under the foliage, the smoke from a scooter, the sullen eye of a girl peeping from behind the binds of her window.. caged between womanhood and childhood..

I'm the vagabond in all of these and more..
I'm a vagabond residing deep within myself..
Covered and demented by the words of the wise..
And yet alive and thriving..

The moment has come to let me free..
Let me take you to places unknown, unheard of..
Let me take around heaven earth and hell..
Let me be..
And let me go..

Let me free..
Be yourself, be me..
And then you will see..

I'm the vagabond.. within each of you..

They all want me..
They stare..
They allure..
They tempt me to all extents possible..
With all their weapons..

They all want me..
The cold, the warmth, the hate and the love..
The pain, the hurt, the distaste and the faith..
They all want me for themselves..

They confound me, they pull me into their depths..
They caress me, and make love to my body and my very soul..
They all want me..

The hope, the cruelty, the wet, the light and the dark too..
The wounds, the unfaithfulness, the loss, the gain and the rain..
They all want me..
They eyes, the ears, the tongue, the nose and the skin..
The very soul..
They all want me..

They all desire me, for themselves..
They want to keep me with them..
They attack me, they cajole me.. They whisper in my ears and sometimes they scream..
They take me with them to height where men fear to tread, to depths where angels dare not step..

They push me and shove me, beat my heart into a pulp..
They care for me like a mother..

They blind me and they show me the light..
They are rotten and the bloom afresh..

But they all want me..

Fly away.. And take me with you.. :)
Up up and away.. Right through the cloud and on top on them too!! :)

(a small attempt at making things rhyme)

Trying to fathom what happens in the depth of the soul
The heart plays a strong role..
Endless though this journey stays,
The restlessness still lays..
Patience plays hide and seek..
I never knew it existed, but its giving me a peek..
What happens to the words..
They revolved and fly all around in my brain..
And when the eyes see me, they all go down the drain..

I just can't say..
Its never been this way..

Confusion, hope and impatience always plotted against me..
But this time, and its about time, they cease to be the enemy..

Completely bowled over by this phase..
But proof says its not only my case..

Words fail me as they fade..
Action help the point being made..

Sometimes it feels like a crime..
But we are above all the grime..

The way ahead is lays still in a haze..
Wonder if we will get tired of the chase..

I just can't say..
Its never been this way..

Only recently I was thinking about how the rain has yet again disappeared after showing off lavishly for a few days.. I hoping very much for him to come down soon.. And in his full grandeur.. Today he did.. Not very fully or whole heartedly but he was there.. And today for the first time in my whole life i wished for him t go away for a while.. Just for a while.. Never ever before have i wished for this to happen.. Not even when there were exams to be written or work to be done.. I used to sit completely drenched but happy.. Cause it was he who had soaked me.. But today..
I love watching passersby stopping for shelter as he arrives unannounced.. But today..
The sudden gush of water hitting unwarned skin.. The goosebumps.. The Wet air and water dribbling all over the face, filling me with pleasure beyond imagination.. But today..
The cool air caressing the wet skin further heightening the joy.. The warm cuppa tea at the road side.. But today..

Today was was one of the many first times.. Today was the first time i wished for him to go away.. even for a while..

He poured on though.. Meekly, Like a kid who wants to show off a toy he managed to create by himself but gets shoved away by grown ups.. though unintentionally..

He was there for me.. Right after i'd wished he would come soon.. and then i pushed him away.. He poured on, all that he got for me, now wit a cracked heart.. But i could not undo it.. I could not un-wish it..

The varied stones lay there smiling silently bearing the satin, which tried to stay as calm as it could with all the wind blowing away at it.. Teasing it, tempting it to run away with him.. he gobbled up the flame and the candle lies wet too.. The glass is covered with tender frosty drops of water, instead of the destined wine.. The rain was all over them.. He possessed them, as if he was the real guest and they were his treat.. As if i was his.. There was a noticeable change in his tone when i expressed my displeasure, my disappointment.. It was just the time.. I didn't mean to be rude.. I couldn't be so with him.. How do i choose between two things i so dearly, deeply desire? Both couldn't be had at the same time..
If only there was a way.. A shelter.. From the cruel eyes of the watchful world..
Desires craved and burned in cool silence and still remain unrealized from the clutches of situations, not turned into ashes as yet.. and the rain will not let it happen either.. The strings still holding us back.. And yet something pushes us ahead..

And yet the stones lie there... still and waiting..
Perhaps,

For the Time Unspent..
Stolen by the Untimely Rain..