The Soulful Atom

She knew this would happen. She always knew she was right. She told him. She told herself and yet she did it. Over and over again. He didn't listen, or maybe he did but he didn't act, perhaps he could. And so she did it. She cut herself. She drowned. She burned. In hope that she wouldn't recognise herself after all this. But he was etched too deep inside. In her very skin. She could forget herself but him? The intensity of their love was too much. It had burned a gaping hole in her soul when she had tried to grope him out of with her filthy nails. Her nails filthy from all the crying, all the cursing all the yelling, all the writhing around in pain digging at her heart.. Her heart was frayed and stuck in her nails along with her hair. Oh such filth! She thought she could do it. She knew she would against her will. Yet she found love again. But it wasnt the same, it wasn't meant to be. It was flawed. But so were they back then.
This flaw was a bit different, this flaw was not meant to be tended to. It should've been uprooted or maybe not. It can't be, it shouldn't be. It wasn't a flaw. She knew this would happen. That she would be lost and confused again. That maybe she would never be the same again. She kept looking back. It poured down on her now, the rain. Merciless or maybe it was trying to soothe her. Trying to give some sort of reassurance. Trying to cuddle her. The warmth which always refused to belong to her. Which would never now belong to her.
She was a woman. A woman alone. She was accepted and yet she was alone. They both were alone. She more than him. Cause he had her. She would always be with him beyond death. As for her he was alive but not her's, he never was. She was never meant to be two maybe. She was meant to be a wandered a vagabond, a dusky gypsy holding mysteries from her past, unhealed wounds helping her get on with yet another day. She was meant to be a refuge for those struggling in their paths. A pond to drink at, rest and leave behind. Yet he had made her feel she was a meadow by herself, his home. Only to be left back time and again.
She has fallen in love again, as if she can help it. And it hurts. Its not fair. When was it ever fair. There are words and there are actions as well now but its just not enough. The hungry gaping vacuum in her heart asks for more, its an endless pit, and she fears for him. Though she needn't cause he is not her's! He will never be. Oh such irony. He gives whatever is left with him, whatever he can spare left from his true love. Its always been scraps for her. People dropping unwanted pennies in her belly.
She looks at him tries to descipher and she can see her.. The places she craved were taken- always, just like this one. There is no turning back. There is no healing only a wait.. A wait for the eternal, when she can leave him to her.. He is in her care till he can be ready for the final journey to his love..
She sits back and looks on to the falling rain, after a storm of tears has passed, yet again, back at a time when there was a little girl.. Naive, true, pure, hopeful, dreamy..

There are many things.. So many.. So many dreams..
All come together since childhood..
Woven together slowly over days and stages of life..
With the fabric of belief
Dark as the night, dotten with bright stars, millions of them!
The dreams fall in drapes into so many "i always wanted.."
Bright eyes and a hopeful heart
They have a college romance,
A bike ride drenched in rain,
Skipping classes,
The first touch, a flurry of finger tips and soft lips..
A stolen hug..
The sharing of a special something, a secret
Sweet nothings through the corridors,
A lonely night not so alone,
A belongingness, a possession
A someone, true with all their hearts
Through festivals and sorrows..
A hand to hold, a hug to cry into..
Eyes to hold their laughter, a heart to love and care for as their own..
Oo they got that, thats what she always wanted
She sees hope again and got back afresh..
Then she waits, heart break after heart break, she will wait..
Running behind the smoke on water
Healing hurting and yet healing..
Craving those little things she always wanted..
From people who never understand,
She picks up their pain n makes it hers..
She loves so much that it hurts her,
And as if it wasn't enough they hurt her too..
She kept dreaming, believing, hoping.. and eventually praying..
But it burned the cloak she wove, adored and wore every single day
It faded.. Taking all the i always wanted's with it
Until they remained just that wishes, dreams..
Dark wisps of smoke on water..
Disappearing.. A faded fabric of hope forgotten at the bottom of her treasure chest, locked away..
Buried in her past inside her
The little petal saved in a romantic book long forgotten.. Marking a page that defined her dreams
Aeons later she found love again..
Their pain from their past was her's now.. Again..
But what is this sudden pain.. The incessant pinpricks behind her eyes remind her of something from another lifetime..
The cloak pokes her.. It is faded, thin and light like the morning air, dotted with dried blood from her years of suppressing
"Thats what i always wanted" it whispers..
"I wish we had it.."
But what is this pain she asks..
Well, it never left..

There are so many things that pass my mind every single day every single moment. I wonder how i manage to go on with all my daily activities sometimes. It reduced quite a bit though these days. The stress. The stress that i underwent in that one relationship is enough for me to last a lifetime along with being one of the most beautiful things. But i think the more beautiful it is if it ends its equally horrid. The worst part is when the relationship ends cause of loss of trust. Thats exactly what happened with me. I won't blame him or anything. But the trust was lost. Even now when i think back to it wondering if i could forgive him now, the answer is yes i forgive him but would i take him back? No, cause the trust is no more. And thats the most basic thing ever for any relationship. Maybe its my shortcoming that i can't trust him, but the fact remains. This came to my notice just as i was think of the things that i always wanted. Silly simple things or even big ones.. Things that i never got before n now that i have them i feel blessed. I think it happens for a reason. After all no matter how much you love a person and are willing to go to the world's end if that person is not reciprocating it ends up meaning nothing. We are humans after all. And yes, words of experience, you do get what you want! :)
Its nice to have someone you can trust, with all the reassurances you need, you demand and sometimes are given even without asking. Things which i craved and begged for are dropped in my lap without asking this time around.. Yes, things do happen for a reason and for that im thankful.
I Feel proud to belong to you.. more than happy or exicted thats how i feel. Cause its the way you make me feel.. The patience, the strength, the love, the care, the adoration, respect, belief that you shower upon me.. I couldn't have asked for more.. Thank you my love. Thank you for accepting me as your own.. sigh..

The post digressed a bit.. but there it is.. my heart out in the open yet again. Mixed emotions served in equally mixed words! haha.. thats what life is isn't it ;) :D yay

BP- yip blip mmlip clip dlip flip flop blop mop...
CP- GOd bless you my child
BP- *distracted* and then *excited* me? me? me? me?? oooo me? me? me?
CP- oh dear me, yes you too
BP- OOooo *dreamy* mmeeeee.....

:)

Update (25/09/2019)- The site is no longer functional and my ties have been severed too.

What is this Waari? Most of you non-Marathi folks might have this question. It is a holy pilgrimage. I would like to invite you to check out www.panoramaartstudio.com to get some answers. If not interested in the holy side of things, you can definitely check it out for the photos! Well that is our original aim.. The photography exhibition was held by Panorama Art Studio aided by Real Minds as a prelude to their drama shows in July. The exhibition was held to provide a platform for the budding talent that the city holds as well as to bring the traditions and culture of the city closer to its people through this medium.. I won't say any more.. You better check the website.. ;)
Any feedback can be mailed to : info@panoramaartstudio.com

Have fun!! :)

The rain will never mean anything or anyone else again. I always knew it and used to be happy about it, cause i never pictured it this way. It was always a happy ending for us. My rain and me. There was never to be anything else! There was no other possibility. Just togetherness. Living young and growing old together. Thats what it was, possibly even is. The city is alive with us just like it was many months back.. Through all the pain, all the fear, all the unknowns.. The rain is us.. No matter who gets drenched. The atom is herself deep under the layers of novelty, and just pouring from the eyes.. The eyes never lie and they never will.

Some words of a dear one HERE made me think, needless to say, about a very recent wound.. Which i know will not heal as quickly as i would hope it to, and hence needs to be covered up as much as possible. But such words just very cruelly rip off the band-aid and leave me unmentionably breathless and choked up with tears. Tears and pain for him who lost his love to death. And me for i lost someone to pain. What would i not do to unite those two lovers. I wish beyond my being to be able to do something to help him. To help the guy i am begining to spend me life with to meet his lover. I would give my life to bring her back. Life in return of a life. Its such a depressingly helpless feeling. When there was a time i was willing to give my life to be with the one i loved beyong anyone else and i was brushed aside time and again. What is this destiny? When two people who are capable of loving with such intensity are stuck with each other, away from the ones they once truly loved? Will anyone ever understand your action or you, when you decided to voluntarily walk away? When you know you are not capable of cutting people off, when you are capable of forgiving and giving other chances no matter how it batters your heart to do so. When you know you loved truly and purely with your whole being.
Maybe this is what i was meant to have. But he had it already so it doesn't help but makes me feel more criminal that i have him now. Its beautifully painful. She will always be in his heart and i will protect her place there with all my might. I love her as much now.. For she gave him that pure joy once that i too gave away to someone else. I'm glad he had her. Wish we had met sooner. Before all the damage was done to both. Thinking back maybe that is what brought us together. We are levelled. Eclipsed by life. But the sun will come out. Slowly. It can't stay hidden.

Here's to you both.. You are always in our hearts. Protected by each other. She is by me and he is by him. We love you. Alive or dead. "Always" like we promised.

The trees r quiet today.. They r quiet this time around..
They know he's taking time n dnt want to scare him off..
He's coming slowly taking his time..
Quietly..
Subdued
As his anger fumes..
She knows too.. But she did what needed doing..
She knows he will understand..
Love never changes, let alone die..
The tree stand serenely sadly hopefully.. Heads hung low.. Not moving a leaf and he drizzles a bit here n there.
He wants to pour.. rampantly to kingdom come..
He wants to vent... To take her with all he has..
But he won't n it kills him..
Eventually he will pour.. Coz he owes her that.. He's late this time..
His heart is not in it..
Have they drifted apart?
Can they?
The eternal lovers...
Their calling has linked them across ages. Across births..
They will stay.. Forever..
He is her's n she his.. :)
Rain n earth forever together.. Whether they want it or not. Their spirits r meshed together.. Even if he decides not to pour..
Even if she decides not to let him in..
They stay..