The Soulful Atom

Sigh! I don't know why I'm forever looking back! Past couple of year have been a whirlwind or activity, mental more than anything. Somehow I haven't been writing much and it keeps striking at me. Writing used to just spurt out. It used to be a release and more than that a companion. I look back cause there are some things which still remain un-reconciled (if that's even a word). The time alone which i required, i got, but somehow i ended up thinking about what im doing in that moment and what i will be doing ahead! Everything seems like a mess up there with un-coherent thoughts and images. The decomposition isn't happening as it should or how it used to. Could it be age? I doubt, after all the mind is more powerful than the body. Perhaps its just things which i had foretold happened that way and i didn't want them to. But like i said the power of the mind!! Things which happened including heartbreaks (well yeah, still!) and unwanted decisions taken knowingly or unknowingly, blindly trusting because i don't know any other way to trust, it always is blind initially when it comes to people, having the trust broken, all this seems to have taken its toll on some part of the brain. The lease i wanted was for it to take its toll on my words!
Somewhere i feel like i've going deeper inside me. The spirit to communicate to exclaim has got somewhat subdued. Ah heck! I no likes this!! It will come back I'm sure of it cause the atom can't stand calm for long! :D What helps is having a supportive company, families (now that i have two! :D) and friends (as always). They have been tolerant and supportive no matter what i did! Including the extended family. They are OK with whatever i do as long as it makes me happy! This reminds me of someone i once so called dated. It was a passionate affair and lasted for almost 4 years (my longest! ;)). It was love i would say. It was the end of everything else for me, and i thought it was the same for him. But sadly it wasn't for him. And after a long period of waiting and holding on i eventually saw that it wasn't going to go ahead the way i had thought it would, cause in his words "it takes two to tango" and since he wasn't much interested in making it work thought he tried to show otherwise, i had to harshly end it. Causing myself a lot of hurt, and the pain of not getting a proper closure. Three years was a long span for me specially when we were so intertwined. It left a deep wound, its healed now, but there is still a faint scar. Now each time we interact, it seems as if that reality which i had buried deep into me, that person whom i had loved back then with all i had, wasn't perhaps real. It was maybe all in my head, led on by him. I acted like i had warned him i would. Had he wanted to make things work he would've read the signs or atleast paid heed to my words and actions, but none of it happened. Thats what hurts me the most maybe. That even after having repeatedly warned him, he let my prediction come true.
Though, i never foretold what happens next after i take certain steps. I did only a little bit of which also has already come true. But the rest of my life is still remaining. How much ever its going to be! The decision to move on was not made, and hence not acted upon. It just happened haphazardly, like this post, and hence its not cut and dried properly. Some parts are still poking out jagged edges. To add to it something totally unexpected and hurtful happened yet again. Which has left me wondering if its really worth trusting anyone, and how does it matter if they do break your trust. Somewhere I've started to lose faith in this whole relationship and love and society and humanity concept. I always believe that if a person knows what they want and they do it then its alright no matter what they do, as long as its not hurting others, or if eventually that person is not going to be happy if they don't do it. Breaking someone'e trust and lying to someone about something that concerns them doesn't fall into that category.
So the question is about my faith. Do i keep giving blindly without expecting anything? Do i still feel like doing something for someone else? Frankly i don't anymore. And thats so not me! I was someone who derived immense pleasure out of giving, doing stuff for people, doing things that made them smile. Acceptance, therein lied my joy, my satisfaction. I needed someone to keep me on my toes all the time so that i wouldn't get bored. And thats what i did get and still am! However, now things are just a lottt subdued, maybe it happens when you enter a certain phase in your relationship where you know you have each other. Though now when i think what would i feel or do if there is someone else? Perhaps i wouldn't care, perhaps i would explode. Its all just so confusing. That even writing about it doesn't help.
Enough of looking back i would like to say. But there are bits and pieces lying there which i need to pick up. I've left some parts of me back there which are essential for my being, for my spirit. Things have happened way too fast in the past year or two, and i just haven't been able to get a grip on myself.
Though I'm sure my choices are good for a variety of reason. Could i have done better? Definitely! Much better. But i just chose one course of action and will stick to it for as long as i can. Maybe this stability is cause a disruption for me. Maybe it is something else. Who knows!
So many words and still nothing! haha.. Feel like continuing to write but its going to be a repeat of the same. There is a barrier which i need to break. But so far i have not been able to see it or figure it out, i can only feel it, but its still quite abstract. Anyhow, the need to look back seems to be slowly reducing, though im not a different person from who i was, maybe a little bit, but my spirit is still the same. Its just wounded a little bit, but it will be back up, soon. Cause if its not that, then its not me. And i love being me! :) :D

After going through life non-stop, taking whatever it offers you without thinking again, just throwing yourself into whatever you have at hand, when a sudden lag comes about.. When an eerie sort of quiet falls over your ears.. Not due to the lack of noise around, but due to the quietening of this constant buzzing in your head. Its not peace. In no way is it peaceful. Its more unnerving and scary.. Its restless. Not that I've never been restless but that always has been cause i knew what i wanted and cause i was trying to work towards it. At times like these, i don't know if i've had this before though, i'm left dumbstruck. Having done all sorts of things, good, bad, things i never thought i would, raging around, fighting, yelling, being crazy, being in love, being loved, being just about everything and everyone, now this sudden lack of activity is intimidating! Am i someone who is scared of quiet? Definitely not! But this is not of my own doing. It is the "situation" that has forced this quiet inside me! Its not even inside me actually. Its wanting to go inside. Everything outside of work seems to go in a perfect tandem like its supposed to for someone at the stage i am in life. I need to have multiple things buzzing at my head to keep me going. That's my poison. I "NEED" to multitask!
This quiet makes me look back at things. Things i've looked back at so many times. But now those things make me look at myself. I'm left craving for things.. Things from my early years.. Like the quiet in the afternoons when the city wasn't a cement jungle.. When people used to close shops in the afternoon and have a siesta. When we used to visit relatives in the city and it used to feel far off! I miss sitting in a temple porch in some village listening to the natives' lazy banter. I miss so many simple things in life.. Which are not there anymore.. Just about.. I hate this modernization as much as i love it. It makes me wish i was born earlier. It keeps me longing for something deep inside me which i can't fathom!
It is time to reconcile with myself it seems. Its time to get out in the open again. To take a leap of faith. To risk it all once more. I feel like a slave bound to a master only cause i'm getting all i need for living.. But am i alive? The question is haunting me each moment. I feel like running away right this moment! A small break, a vacation is not going to do it for me. It is lack of activity yes. But its not the lack of an extra activity, its about who i am and who i want to be! Its about what i love and enjoy doing!
Writing here after ages, and now i know why! :) My dear unstable atom, you are the most stable trustworthy friend ever! Thank you! :* :)

Cheers all! Until next time, whenever that will be, hopefully soon..

CP- Go girl, do what makes you happy, we are with you
BP- Yo! Where you huh?
No go, no come, no see, no do? huh?
CP- where have you been now?
BP- HAIR! i've been hair all the time nooo.. :D :D :P :P ehehha!! lauu youss boths!
CP- yeah well.

I wait.. Sitting here on a metal bench. Waiting for my bus. Waiting for you.
Come realizations flash by. Their sudden light harsh in my eyes. Through darkness. I look down to avoid their unmistakable glare. Tears streaming.. Streaking dust ridden parched cheeks. I wonder if you would notice me sitting here. in all your hurry for everything else. Wonder if you ever really noticed me. Even after you had said you did. I wait wondering. What was it that I did or did not?
Why am I to wait always?
Why am I to ask?
Why is it my heart that cries out.. Unheard.. And then declares defeat
Why am I not wanted and what do I miss? Why do I wait after the hurt?
Why is it that i can love n not be loved back? Why is it that i wait always n be never be awaited, fought for..
Why does my broken splintered heart still hope?
Why the wait always?

Sorry for any grammatical errors in terms of ukar and velanti's :)

तो गातो, त्या कवितेचे शब्द

गोड, मधुर.. हृदयाला स्पर्षणारे, तेचाळणारे स्वर..

तो गातो माझ्या कानी..

अलगद, हळूच, नाजूक..

दूर कुठे तरी शांत, हिरव्या ठिकाणी नेऊन ठेवतात ते,

गातअसताना नकळत माझ्या कानापाशी त्याच्या ओठांचे रोमांच उभे करणारे हलके स्पर्ष..

तो वागतो असा की काहीच आगळे नाही..

भासवतो जणू मिच फक्त त्याच्या मनीची राणी..

हसतो, असतो.. रेंगाळतो, ओढवतो.. स्वप्नळतो, असतो..

पण हृदयात त्याच्या खोल आत दडली आहे ती..

नेहमीच होती.. नेहमीच राहील..

ती, जशी मी कधीच नाही..

नवते आणि नसेन..

अलगद, एक अश्रू डोळी येऊन थबकते..

त्या प्रेमाची आस त्या निखळ प्रेमाची अपुरी वासना होऊन तरंगते

आणि त्याच्या प्रश्णा मुळे हळुवार खाली ओघळते..

मी नवते आणि कधीच नसेन..

त्याच्या कवितेच्या स्वरात..

तो गातो माझ्या साठी माझ्या बरोबर ती गोड अशी कविता..

तो गातो ती आठवणीत गुरफटलेली कविता..

नकळत ती आठवण मलाच होते..

ती.. जशी मी नाही..

Wrapped up in sexy black and some shimmer
Cool head and warm wet lips..
Shining burning bright eyes. Alive.
Oh she's a mess.
She loves too much!
She's a royal mess..

Black lacey sandals, like she always wanted
Cuddling sleek feet ending on long legs..
A strut so proud, so confident is the walk..
Oh she's a mess!
She gives too much..
She's a broken mess..

A big black diamond sits on a finger
Emitting a dull glow, swallowing the darkness around..
The finger curls around the blood red wine glass, it taps, the finger of the ring, the ring finger
Oh she's a mess!
She lives too much..
She's a dead mess..

The evening passes by, the seat is not filled.
Its reserved, always reserved.
Her bright eyes droop slightly, as something flickers off in them.
She is clever but too transparent now, naked through all that black.
The shoe drops as her ankle rises up to stay folded, warm under her buttock.
The ring moves around, as she plays with it while the waiter fills wine..
She smiles at him, he smiles back. Warm, knowing, but with a slight alarm.
Its almost 12 now. He pities her. They all do. She doesn't. She just wonders and questions.
She loves black. The black mess.
There are no answers. They are black like a void. They are all dumbed by her. She wonders why.
Why are they frightened? Why do they scarper?
Do they not have their truth with them? Do they not have their light within them?
Are they unaware of language? Of any language?

For the dumb can speak too if they will to!

Sigh, what a mess, she says. What a royal, broken, dead mess!
Shall i come back tomorrow then? I shall, for i want to. Even if you don't. Even if i wish u did. For i am a mess.

Rain.. One of the eternal giver of life..
The wait: Waiting for rain, first a slight worry and then utter panic, the water cuts and all sorts of flyers for water saving floating around, praying etc.
The frustration: Then there are only the clouds gathering and dispersing and not quite raining.
The joy: The rain comes in bits and pieces, there is pure joy at the first sight and smell of rains.
The irritation: Then rain comes down in his full glory. The incessant downpour becomes irritating for most since plans are cancelled, travelling becomes a pain so on and so forth.
The begging: People start beeging for a glimpse of the sun, for a respite from the wetness.
There is the pleasure of a dry spell and slowly the rain abaits. Then they are back to the longing for it again!

I guess that sums up the human rain cycle.

Rain is one of the things i truly adore. People say they love rain. I think everyone's love for rain differs. I also think it almost defines how they can love as a human and what love really means to them. Even for other humans/things. I tried to list my observation of such.. ;) :) Just for fun..

Some people totally detest rain. Had it not been a necessity and had they had the power, they would have abolished rain as a phenomenon completely
Some people like rain. Not quite for the existence of it but as a necessity. They keep away from it. They say its utmost necessary and good its raining but it better rain at night when everyone is sleeping. Fill up the dams n rivers etc when no one is at work.
Some people like it only cause it makes the surrounding so awesome and they want to go on trips and picnics and gloat about it to others. Also to blabber about it in some seemingly romantic way.
Some people love it but they don't like it to rain any other time than in the monsoon.
Some people love it, they love getting wet in the first rain. They love it when it rain - when they want. They find it romantic. They don't usually have issues with it pouring at anytime but might get irritable if it pours on a very important time for them etc. But they have fond memories of rain in its true sense.

My love for it is unconditional. Irrespective of the time of the year/day, irrespective of if i'm all dressed up to go out, just getting home or already out doing some chores or travlling one place to another.. He is always welcome. My love for him is being totally drenched to the core, to my very bones and soul.. I have memories of rain itself. Not with someone else, but with rain. Its just me and him. My love is for his sheer existence.. Whether he take care of the farmers or he floods the place.. He is the king ofmy heart.. So here you are.. For my love of the rain.. :) ;)

I took a different route today
A route less taken these days
It is a long route..
"Its just one of those days" i said
And the lashes plucked a tear from my eye as they heard what i said
The memories tugged at me
And i let myself plunge into their deep bossom
It was a clear day..
With bright blue clean skies..
A day when the rain has poured itself out
Cleaned everything in its way including itself..
The rain makes way for the sun..
And out he comes,
Making everything its light touches shine brilliantly..
Thanks to the rain..
I passed through the by-lanes
The dense Banayan trees.. :)
The same roads pockmarked by puddles..
The leafy green shadows playing hide and seek with them..
A car parked on a lonely road..
Long roads, resturants, and a smile..
The joy, the peace, the completeness..
Its more of the weather than the person..
Its more of the memories than wanting to have it again now..
Its more of the way you felt within that matters than any of those bygones..
I took a different route today..
Down the little winding memory lane.. :)