The Soulful Atom

Summer!! Its here again.. Many people get surprised at my love for summer as well as monsoons! I love both of them equally.. and well winter too! They are here for a reason and i enjoy every bit of them. If you feel hot do something about it yourself. I'd rather enjoy all the things that come in tow! :D
Its as if summer wakes everyone up. Everything around feels alive, jumping with life.. After a winter where everything freezes and hibernates, summer brings food and life.. In India exams and vacations! I love the summer breeze.. a it has a typicality to it as if a harbinger of something exciting! :D Oh yes i love summer! The mornings, all the people out and about, the dirt the sweat, the cursing at times, the whole life of it all. Even our blood is alive.. It brings out the desire to do something! Be it stay indoors or go out and explore random stuff.. Meeting people, just doing anything! You can't stay still in summer.. Its a season of activity.. Maybe thats why i love it.. Also monsoon follows soon after.. But thats another matter.. The sun is here in all his glory.. Summer has begun.. Yellow, bright, life, joy, activity, fun!! Thats the spirit of summer.. I love you!! :D :)

Yes oh yes.. The please and high a full head and multi-tasking gives is unbeatable by anything else!! Finally after these many months of idleness the mind is full with things to do.. Empty mind is the devil's workshop couldn't be more applicable to me.. And the devil is finally beaten. Don't know for how long, but enjoying this phase as long as it lasts, hoping that the idle phase wouldn't return for long and even if it does it won't be as long as the previous one!
So here's to work. May all of us have our hands full and keep the emptiness devil at bay! Cheers! :)

Oh I'm a stalker alright. LOL. Even saying it gives me tingles! I guess i've been it for a while. And no shame whatsoever obviously! I don't think there is anything wrong with stalking as long as you are not hurting anyone. For me stalking arises out of the need to know. Which in turn arises out of people's habit to lie blatantly. My recent forays into the world wide web, as i tried to get a grasp of things, perhaps seeking validation, brought to fore somethings about people from my past (and thankfully so- in the past). I realized how similar some people are to me. on the same side they are also waaaaay too pretentious. Being bold and just plain dumb might seem similar but they aren't. Wanting to seek validation by saying it and then waiting acceptance and praise by displaying pretentious actions are waaay too different things. And hence no these people are not similar to me. Thank god!
But stalking is fun. You never know what you will run into! It maybe nice or ugly. Mostly it is ugly and enough evidence for my theories, which are almost always right! Why people lie is beyond me. Anyway the truth always outs itself, and denial well is a waste of time! :) :D
I love realizations!! Feeling much better already.. yoo hoo!!

CP- whaaat! stalker! :/
BP- yo dude, what you seeing? what you sees? saw? see-saw? huh?? you see what i saw?
CP- no one is going to stalk you ever. Do you stalk me? :O
BP- that yellow little butterfly, fly, fly, fly... *wanders away amazed by the butter-fly* :P

I missssss travelling. It is liberating. Travelling for work or just aimlessly. Honeymoon afterthoughts- it was more of a tour and should've been planned a bit differently. More leisure time was required than the running around! :D Or maybe i just need a trip for being quiet. Again repeating the same thing from the previous posts. Another of the recently occurred incidences is the dissolving of our unit at work, sold off etc. It just created a feeling of melancholy of people going away. We put so much of ourselves into the work work do that when it is taken away from us, and it always is, it creates a sort of huge gaping hole in us. And then filling it up with something else takes time. i guess thats that phase i'm going through. The process of filling up gaps. It includes the holes created after reading a book! Hell thats one critical hole. Though after a book is over, we can savor its flavor for sometime and then move on into reality. Well i just need things to fill up my time and my mind.. And there are things so readily available and being offered. Thanks to the lovely person who is besides me all the time.. :) Willing to do anything for my smile.. Yes some decisions i took were right. Men take time to understand things that are natural to women, when you explain they understand and if they will they will definitely act on them. But there are some who refuse to understand because they don't wish to act on them. Thankfully I've got the former! I don't know if this is some kind of validation or self-assurance thing im writing about. Maybe it just helps me to understand everything happening with me and around me a little better. Since everything is NEW! :S at work at home, phew! There should be a lot happening but there is a curious lack of activity. I feel lethargic. I need to get out of this stupid cocoon and get on with it. and that i will! i wonder if everyone goes through these phases. I guess they do. Well anyway, bored i am already. Until next rambling. see ya! :P :D

Sigh! I don't know why I'm forever looking back! Past couple of year have been a whirlwind or activity, mental more than anything. Somehow I haven't been writing much and it keeps striking at me. Writing used to just spurt out. It used to be a release and more than that a companion. I look back cause there are some things which still remain un-reconciled (if that's even a word). The time alone which i required, i got, but somehow i ended up thinking about what im doing in that moment and what i will be doing ahead! Everything seems like a mess up there with un-coherent thoughts and images. The decomposition isn't happening as it should or how it used to. Could it be age? I doubt, after all the mind is more powerful than the body. Perhaps its just things which i had foretold happened that way and i didn't want them to. But like i said the power of the mind!! Things which happened including heartbreaks (well yeah, still!) and unwanted decisions taken knowingly or unknowingly, blindly trusting because i don't know any other way to trust, it always is blind initially when it comes to people, having the trust broken, all this seems to have taken its toll on some part of the brain. The lease i wanted was for it to take its toll on my words!
Somewhere i feel like i've going deeper inside me. The spirit to communicate to exclaim has got somewhat subdued. Ah heck! I no likes this!! It will come back I'm sure of it cause the atom can't stand calm for long! :D What helps is having a supportive company, families (now that i have two! :D) and friends (as always). They have been tolerant and supportive no matter what i did! Including the extended family. They are OK with whatever i do as long as it makes me happy! This reminds me of someone i once so called dated. It was a passionate affair and lasted for almost 4 years (my longest! ;)). It was love i would say. It was the end of everything else for me, and i thought it was the same for him. But sadly it wasn't for him. And after a long period of waiting and holding on i eventually saw that it wasn't going to go ahead the way i had thought it would, cause in his words "it takes two to tango" and since he wasn't much interested in making it work thought he tried to show otherwise, i had to harshly end it. Causing myself a lot of hurt, and the pain of not getting a proper closure. Three years was a long span for me specially when we were so intertwined. It left a deep wound, its healed now, but there is still a faint scar. Now each time we interact, it seems as if that reality which i had buried deep into me, that person whom i had loved back then with all i had, wasn't perhaps real. It was maybe all in my head, led on by him. I acted like i had warned him i would. Had he wanted to make things work he would've read the signs or atleast paid heed to my words and actions, but none of it happened. Thats what hurts me the most maybe. That even after having repeatedly warned him, he let my prediction come true.
Though, i never foretold what happens next after i take certain steps. I did only a little bit of which also has already come true. But the rest of my life is still remaining. How much ever its going to be! The decision to move on was not made, and hence not acted upon. It just happened haphazardly, like this post, and hence its not cut and dried properly. Some parts are still poking out jagged edges. To add to it something totally unexpected and hurtful happened yet again. Which has left me wondering if its really worth trusting anyone, and how does it matter if they do break your trust. Somewhere I've started to lose faith in this whole relationship and love and society and humanity concept. I always believe that if a person knows what they want and they do it then its alright no matter what they do, as long as its not hurting others, or if eventually that person is not going to be happy if they don't do it. Breaking someone'e trust and lying to someone about something that concerns them doesn't fall into that category.
So the question is about my faith. Do i keep giving blindly without expecting anything? Do i still feel like doing something for someone else? Frankly i don't anymore. And thats so not me! I was someone who derived immense pleasure out of giving, doing stuff for people, doing things that made them smile. Acceptance, therein lied my joy, my satisfaction. I needed someone to keep me on my toes all the time so that i wouldn't get bored. And thats what i did get and still am! However, now things are just a lottt subdued, maybe it happens when you enter a certain phase in your relationship where you know you have each other. Though now when i think what would i feel or do if there is someone else? Perhaps i wouldn't care, perhaps i would explode. Its all just so confusing. That even writing about it doesn't help.
Enough of looking back i would like to say. But there are bits and pieces lying there which i need to pick up. I've left some parts of me back there which are essential for my being, for my spirit. Things have happened way too fast in the past year or two, and i just haven't been able to get a grip on myself.
Though I'm sure my choices are good for a variety of reason. Could i have done better? Definitely! Much better. But i just chose one course of action and will stick to it for as long as i can. Maybe this stability is cause a disruption for me. Maybe it is something else. Who knows!
So many words and still nothing! haha.. Feel like continuing to write but its going to be a repeat of the same. There is a barrier which i need to break. But so far i have not been able to see it or figure it out, i can only feel it, but its still quite abstract. Anyhow, the need to look back seems to be slowly reducing, though im not a different person from who i was, maybe a little bit, but my spirit is still the same. Its just wounded a little bit, but it will be back up, soon. Cause if its not that, then its not me. And i love being me! :) :D

After going through life non-stop, taking whatever it offers you without thinking again, just throwing yourself into whatever you have at hand, when a sudden lag comes about.. When an eerie sort of quiet falls over your ears.. Not due to the lack of noise around, but due to the quietening of this constant buzzing in your head. Its not peace. In no way is it peaceful. Its more unnerving and scary.. Its restless. Not that I've never been restless but that always has been cause i knew what i wanted and cause i was trying to work towards it. At times like these, i don't know if i've had this before though, i'm left dumbstruck. Having done all sorts of things, good, bad, things i never thought i would, raging around, fighting, yelling, being crazy, being in love, being loved, being just about everything and everyone, now this sudden lack of activity is intimidating! Am i someone who is scared of quiet? Definitely not! But this is not of my own doing. It is the "situation" that has forced this quiet inside me! Its not even inside me actually. Its wanting to go inside. Everything outside of work seems to go in a perfect tandem like its supposed to for someone at the stage i am in life. I need to have multiple things buzzing at my head to keep me going. That's my poison. I "NEED" to multitask!
This quiet makes me look back at things. Things i've looked back at so many times. But now those things make me look at myself. I'm left craving for things.. Things from my early years.. Like the quiet in the afternoons when the city wasn't a cement jungle.. When people used to close shops in the afternoon and have a siesta. When we used to visit relatives in the city and it used to feel far off! I miss sitting in a temple porch in some village listening to the natives' lazy banter. I miss so many simple things in life.. Which are not there anymore.. Just about.. I hate this modernization as much as i love it. It makes me wish i was born earlier. It keeps me longing for something deep inside me which i can't fathom!
It is time to reconcile with myself it seems. Its time to get out in the open again. To take a leap of faith. To risk it all once more. I feel like a slave bound to a master only cause i'm getting all i need for living.. But am i alive? The question is haunting me each moment. I feel like running away right this moment! A small break, a vacation is not going to do it for me. It is lack of activity yes. But its not the lack of an extra activity, its about who i am and who i want to be! Its about what i love and enjoy doing!
Writing here after ages, and now i know why! :) My dear unstable atom, you are the most stable trustworthy friend ever! Thank you! :* :)

Cheers all! Until next time, whenever that will be, hopefully soon..

CP- Go girl, do what makes you happy, we are with you
BP- Yo! Where you huh?
No go, no come, no see, no do? huh?
CP- where have you been now?
BP- HAIR! i've been hair all the time nooo.. :D :D :P :P ehehha!! lauu youss boths!
CP- yeah well.

I wait.. Sitting here on a metal bench. Waiting for my bus. Waiting for you.
Come realizations flash by. Their sudden light harsh in my eyes. Through darkness. I look down to avoid their unmistakable glare. Tears streaming.. Streaking dust ridden parched cheeks. I wonder if you would notice me sitting here. in all your hurry for everything else. Wonder if you ever really noticed me. Even after you had said you did. I wait wondering. What was it that I did or did not?
Why am I to wait always?
Why am I to ask?
Why is it my heart that cries out.. Unheard.. And then declares defeat
Why am I not wanted and what do I miss? Why do I wait after the hurt?
Why is it that i can love n not be loved back? Why is it that i wait always n be never be awaited, fought for..
Why does my broken splintered heart still hope?
Why the wait always?