The Soulful Atom

Oh dear.. The rain! My love forever.. So many words written about him and yet its not enough.. Every single time not matter when he pours I'm his.. People curse the untimely rain. I understand its not a good thing and the whole ecological imbalance etc. which is the doing of the same people that curse it, but i don't care. I love it. This weekend was our birthday celebration right when the rain started pouring. The whole day my mood was uplifted seeing all those clouds around. In the morning i saw a wisp pass over the sun and hoped against hope that there would be more of them around.. And voila! The sky was filled with clouds in no time!! Then by afternoon i found myself wondering if it would rain. Though i didn't really pray for it, since i knew it would really put off my best friend! Specially on that day when it was all about getting dressed up looking our best and chilling out all night! So i didn't pursue it further. As the afternoon progressed the clouds grew denser filling me with child like delight ad eventually started pouring! I was besides myself with joy.. Eventually we all managed to reach the venue on time and had a blast without much issues.. This one is added to the list of best birthdays i had till date. :) Thanks to all involved..
The rain and after effects take me back to a similar time 5 years back! Its the same feeling.. This rain and summer has me throws of nostalgia.. Its just beautiful.. Its taking me back lovely places back in time and very strongly.. Be it me newly starting to work, be it moments shared with special people and the way i felt, be it trips to Mumbai and that feeling.. Oh god its all so lovely!! And its been a while since i felt this way..
Though there is a hanging burden of some important decisions i still need to take, this time and solace, this relief that this untimely rain has brought is more than welcome. It was required.. As it always is! :) Thank you.. Love you "Always" :)

When do we become dependent and independent? Is it a matter of choice or is it not? Is it conditioning? I usually end up blaming everything on conditioning, shaping of something/someone is what is going to define how its going to work.. Perhaps, perhaps not. We being human have a choice since we have something called as an advanced brain which can think. But how many of us really do choose? How many of us break free of our habits? Habits which cause us pain or inconvenience? How many of us are even aware that we are slaves to these habits?
I used to be independent.. Though i had a desire to be dependent maybe for some things, to be able to experience somethings.. I never got it. However looks like somewhere, over this long period of time from teenage till late twenties, i became dependent on the whole idea of having someone to depend on. It feels like an extra growth on the inside of my head which needs to be urgently cut off. My independence is my identity. That is what made me love myself and in turn the people around! Though i never got that one dream fulfilled i had myself and i had hope and dreams.. Its time to shed the cloak of dependence and do things for ourselves. Eventually only cause you have a dream doesn't mean people are going to fulfill it even if they love you and say that they will make your dreams come true! I wish they never said such things cause fools like me end up believing and trusting and getting hurt then when they never do anything.
If your way of loving someone if different from their way of loving you then say it! Don't lead the other person on cause it causes immense hurt and then love etc seems like a fake facade..
Here's to independence! On the pseudo eve of my birthday.. Here's to being re-born and breaking free.. Here's to liberation from habit and conditioning.. Here's to being myself!! :) :) Cheers!! :) :)

Saw one of these cars again today. You know the ones from driving schools. People struggling to learn to drive. They have these signs put up all over the car warning others that the driver is learning. Why do they do it? Why do they put up the signs? Even after the signs are put other still curse and yell the the poor learner when he stops in the middle of the road or makes some mistake. Maybe some people are more tolerant or smart to understand not to go very close that vehicle. However even after getting out from that car and into their own car some people end up making the same mistakes or perhaps new ones, but they do make mistakes while driving. Even when they have learnt it!
It made me think maybe even us humans should have tags like this pinned to our foreheads. "Liver is learning to live". Because no matter how many years you have lived, no one here is a pro at it! Though perhaps some people have devised a strategy, we don't even understand when such people come and zoom by us poor folk grappling with day to day living.. Maybe if we have tags people will know if we make mistakes. Since everyone makes mistakes. Even if you take the tag off you will still make mistakes maybe lesser.. But like the road life too is unpredictable isn't it? So do we ever really learn it all to remove the tag? We keep learning, yes, always.. Learning to live..

Summer!! Its here again.. Many people get surprised at my love for summer as well as monsoons! I love both of them equally.. and well winter too! They are here for a reason and i enjoy every bit of them. If you feel hot do something about it yourself. I'd rather enjoy all the things that come in tow! :D
Its as if summer wakes everyone up. Everything around feels alive, jumping with life.. After a winter where everything freezes and hibernates, summer brings food and life.. In India exams and vacations! I love the summer breeze.. a it has a typicality to it as if a harbinger of something exciting! :D Oh yes i love summer! The mornings, all the people out and about, the dirt the sweat, the cursing at times, the whole life of it all. Even our blood is alive.. It brings out the desire to do something! Be it stay indoors or go out and explore random stuff.. Meeting people, just doing anything! You can't stay still in summer.. Its a season of activity.. Maybe thats why i love it.. Also monsoon follows soon after.. But thats another matter.. The sun is here in all his glory.. Summer has begun.. Yellow, bright, life, joy, activity, fun!! Thats the spirit of summer.. I love you!! :D :)

Yes oh yes.. The please and high a full head and multi-tasking gives is unbeatable by anything else!! Finally after these many months of idleness the mind is full with things to do.. Empty mind is the devil's workshop couldn't be more applicable to me.. And the devil is finally beaten. Don't know for how long, but enjoying this phase as long as it lasts, hoping that the idle phase wouldn't return for long and even if it does it won't be as long as the previous one!
So here's to work. May all of us have our hands full and keep the emptiness devil at bay! Cheers! :)

Oh I'm a stalker alright. LOL. Even saying it gives me tingles! I guess i've been it for a while. And no shame whatsoever obviously! I don't think there is anything wrong with stalking as long as you are not hurting anyone. For me stalking arises out of the need to know. Which in turn arises out of people's habit to lie blatantly. My recent forays into the world wide web, as i tried to get a grasp of things, perhaps seeking validation, brought to fore somethings about people from my past (and thankfully so- in the past). I realized how similar some people are to me. on the same side they are also waaaaay too pretentious. Being bold and just plain dumb might seem similar but they aren't. Wanting to seek validation by saying it and then waiting acceptance and praise by displaying pretentious actions are waaay too different things. And hence no these people are not similar to me. Thank god!
But stalking is fun. You never know what you will run into! It maybe nice or ugly. Mostly it is ugly and enough evidence for my theories, which are almost always right! Why people lie is beyond me. Anyway the truth always outs itself, and denial well is a waste of time! :) :D
I love realizations!! Feeling much better already.. yoo hoo!!

CP- whaaat! stalker! :/
BP- yo dude, what you seeing? what you sees? saw? see-saw? huh?? you see what i saw?
CP- no one is going to stalk you ever. Do you stalk me? :O
BP- that yellow little butterfly, fly, fly, fly... *wanders away amazed by the butter-fly* :P

I missssss travelling. It is liberating. Travelling for work or just aimlessly. Honeymoon afterthoughts- it was more of a tour and should've been planned a bit differently. More leisure time was required than the running around! :D Or maybe i just need a trip for being quiet. Again repeating the same thing from the previous posts. Another of the recently occurred incidences is the dissolving of our unit at work, sold off etc. It just created a feeling of melancholy of people going away. We put so much of ourselves into the work work do that when it is taken away from us, and it always is, it creates a sort of huge gaping hole in us. And then filling it up with something else takes time. i guess thats that phase i'm going through. The process of filling up gaps. It includes the holes created after reading a book! Hell thats one critical hole. Though after a book is over, we can savor its flavor for sometime and then move on into reality. Well i just need things to fill up my time and my mind.. And there are things so readily available and being offered. Thanks to the lovely person who is besides me all the time.. :) Willing to do anything for my smile.. Yes some decisions i took were right. Men take time to understand things that are natural to women, when you explain they understand and if they will they will definitely act on them. But there are some who refuse to understand because they don't wish to act on them. Thankfully I've got the former! I don't know if this is some kind of validation or self-assurance thing im writing about. Maybe it just helps me to understand everything happening with me and around me a little better. Since everything is NEW! :S at work at home, phew! There should be a lot happening but there is a curious lack of activity. I feel lethargic. I need to get out of this stupid cocoon and get on with it. and that i will! i wonder if everyone goes through these phases. I guess they do. Well anyway, bored i am already. Until next rambling. see ya! :P :D