The Soulful Atom

She knew she was a misfit
From the get go
She did want the dolls but never felt much interested in them
She prefered disecting dead animals, and scraping her knees on the bicycle
She wanted the guys too later but even then was left wanting something else
Exploring the untouched was a bigger thrill for her
She could see the crowd and where they were going
She could pretend to fit in but never wanted to
She was always a misfit!
She never belonged. She clipped her own wings, and she wistfully watched the tiny pretty birds flutter by.
It wasn't asked of her neither was it needed but she still did it..
She refused the endless skies and chose to remain rooted.
She was a dragon, the one with her wings clipped and her fires choked.
The sparks flew out from time to time, but the fire inside was so strong that they burnt her from within each time..
She was a misfit
But she kept going.. Being who she was..

There was an ache that started at her loins and ended at the heart..
There was another that started at the heart and ended at the loins..
She was yet to come across one that would never end..

These hurdles i was supposed to jump.
Each and every one of them.
Occasionally romance one maybe.
But by and large each one was to be jumped.
It was meant to be a race probably..
And racing I am.. Only that i am sitting down on the ground..
Romancing one right now..
I don't jump them, i tackle them and get down with them..
With each one.
The temptation is irresistible..
Or maybe it is not..
Maybe i just want to do it.
Its not cause there is no strength in my legs to jump them..
Oh no, the legs are very strong alright..
Its just that i don't want to go ahead and look back to think how the mud would've tasted had i fallen down there..
And so i do..
Who knows what the prize is at the end?
Maybe there is something maybe not..
Racing i am, at my own pace
Though some would say I'm going too fast with the falling!
And not fast enough with the skipping.. :)
But then so be it.. Better to fall than to keep looking back and regretting.
While i am at it, let me enjoy my current hurdle :D cheers!

There are hooks of all kinds..
I feel them deep in the flesh..
Some gorging on the flesh of my body
Some hanging off the flesh of my soul
Some have left long ago and yet their shadows linger as strongly as their vice like grip
They grab and clutch and never let go..
They trap me back in their grasp
They plunge me back into the wet darkness of their needs..
Perhaps needs which were my own..
Or is it their unfulfilled desire?
They pull me back into a deep bottomless vortex nonetheless..
Where all semblance of sunshine disappears
And the walls of thick smoke close in..
Filling my lungs, throat and eyes..
The brains numbs and the glitter tinkles away..
Blinded and parched i stumble around
It becomes a physical reality than the spring in the air.
The fight inside slowly awakens..
The desire to live surmounting all else..
The hooks will let go slows, perhaps leave some deep scars..
Trophies of a life lived..
Of love given..
Hooks are meant for life.. once you let them in..

You will accept me, wont you?
I will walk on your streets
Lanes and by lanes
I will explore your nook and cranny
I have cried and I've laughed, right here in your arms
You will accept me as one of your own, wont you?
I look out the window and I find you a little closer to me than you were yesterday
I feel your concrete structures offer me solace as tear races after tear in a frantic attempt to reach my lap..
Your deep blue sky peeps in too.. Looks a bit worried to me..
I see your darkened corners..
And mud laden trees..
They try on wrinkled smiles.. Aged before their time had come..
Their young hearts trying to find something to help them break free..
So much like me..
I will find your heart... You have already inched closer to mine..
Will you accept me then when I let you in completely?

Its been Karna. For me. Always. For all the reasons that he was himself. And for all that he did being himself! He knew right from the get go. He knew what he was doing and why. He knew the right apart from the wrong. And he made his choices nonetheless for his reasons. There could've been guilt but he was aware of that too! Could he have chosen better? Perhaps, but he knew that too! He never wavered. He was broken, exhausted, taken advantage of and what not! but he stood his ground. I love him for who he is. I say is cause he lives on.. Karna for me, always. :)

Does it matter what we think and believe? To a certain extent perhaps.. The secret, universe soul etc.. Does it matter that failure after failure you keep getting back up and believing that there are possibilities everything will be fine? Or everything will be the way you want or need it to be? Are there possibilities? Just floating, wondering and wandering. Not knowing if there are any.. But just feel as if there are. What are the odds after all?