The Soulful Atom

It feels like its been so long since someone has asked me about me that I feel like I'm forgetting myself..

When silence grows so loud that it stops becoming peace.

When the beloved rain seems more and more distant..

When the warmth doesn't soothe anymore.

When sleep is waiting for you at the threshold of your eyelids but its hard to close them and let it in.

When tomorrow is going to be a better day

and there are still better days ahead..

But in this moment, where it feel so empty, I crave you.

A feather found me today. All tiny and white. Soft as a, well, a feather.

As if of a tiny little angel.

Go find me a flower and we'll create a talisman, across oceans and distances.

A flower and a feather.

The most delicate of things, and the most powerful at the same time.

I bring the softness, you bring the color and the fragrance.

We both bring the light and the weightlessness, and there in lies our protection.

From one to the other. Together.

I saw a bhangarwala (junk dealer) today.

His cart was empty.

Seeing that I had this desire to give him something, anything.

That's when I realised that I have the desire to give things and fill things up for people. So that there is no lack.

 I cry today.

A little for everything and everyone.

For the dear ones who left too soon and those who lived too long to forget everything.

I cry for the world that doesn't exist anymore.

I lament for the loves lost, not mine, everyone's.

There are times when all the weight of the world seems settled on my shoulder, not budging.

And so i cry. Helpless, weak.

I cry alone. In the quiet of my room, on the streets when strangers pass me by without any sort of look in their eyes.

When did the world become so cold?

Weren't we supposed to be social animals?

When did it all become about gains and profits, even in relationships?

The tears feel warm on my cool winter skin.

The feeling passes eventually but i know its not gone forever.

There are days when i don't cry at all.

But today I do.

- 11/11/25

Je me sens bien, assise au bar. Je ne sais pas vraiment quand cela a commencé. Peut-être le jour où j’ai commencé à sortir seule, souvent. Ou peut-être quand j’ai compris qu’il n’y avait que moi, que personne ne viendrait.

Alors je m’installe sur une chaise, je regarde le barman travailler. Cela me donne l’impression d’être avec un ami. Un ami occupé, certes, mais présent malgré tout. Les barmen me parlent comme à une vieille connaissance, avec le sourire. Ils se souviennent de mes préférences, de mes choix, ils me proposent des boissons, ils prennent soin de moi.

Je peux mettre ma musique préférée. Je peux rester quand tout le monde est parti.

Je contemple les verres derrière le bar. Ils sont là, oui, séparés par catégories, mais réunis malgré tout.

Je pense aux gens qui ont bu dans ces verres : aux soirées, aux larmes, aux rires incontrôlables, aux amours. Ces verres ont tout vu. Et ils sont toujours là. C’est ce qui me touche.

Voilà pourquoi j’aime m’asseoir au bar. Il me donne le sentiment d’être chez moi, d’être à ma place, d’être confortable. Je n’ai pas besoin de jouer un rôle, je peux être moi-même. C’est ma liberté.

Et si l’argent peut acheter cette amitié, même pour une soirée… pourquoi pas ?

-2/11/25

My heart feels heavy today.

It rained a bit.

The lights in the washroom are still out.

The fridge is  nearly empty.

Its nothing serious.

The rain stopped.

The lights will get fixed.

I'll do groceries tomorrow.

But my heart feels heavy today.

Maybe it's something else.

Today feels weird.

As if something is changing.

As if I'm leaving something behind.

Maybe I'm the one who is changing.

Maybe I'm leaving a piece of me behind...

-23/11/25