The Soulful Atom

Broken. Bleeding. Beaten. Waiting to be buried at the hands of love.. Knowing full well that this last wish will not be granted, the small splintered heart shall always be waiting, looking out from its bed of bloody fragments, though the rest will move on.. It shall always throb with your love like the pulse in your neck on the emerald grass.. It shall go on knowing that, though you are not around, you walk the same earth as its feet, you breathe the same oxygen air as its nose, you have the same sky for your shelter as its head does, you drink water from the same waters as its mouth does. Loving itself for you have touched it. Conquered it. and you shall always stay in it, which is rightfully your home. I shall suffer more than ever, I'm aware of that fact but I shall wait.. Like never before.. For you..

CP- Oh my thats some story!! Great love and all that.
BP- Sob Sob.
CP- Ha ha. Ya right BP!!
BP- *grin*
CP- Thank god for a moment I thought you actually thought it to be true AND felt something!
BP- Now accept that I can act! I rock man!

What does one do when all the emotions come together have wreck havoc on you senses? Rather only one feeling wages a war against all the rest and still persists? Leaving the brain as well as the heart incapable of pursuing anything other than experiencing the feeling. When you are completely unable to define it and yet know its color taste and feel so well as if it has been with you every moment of you life.. When you try to get rid of it, it clings on. If you let go, it still holds on and when you accept it, it still stays there throbbing with life more lively and joyous than ever! If the feeling is so joyous why doesn't always bring joy to the person to whom it belongs? Why, when the sentiment in itself is so pure and radiates life, are there patches of time when the emotion at its high brings a wave of sadness with a ting of foreboding? Is it just to make one realize that this happiness may not stay forever? or to make one realize the worth and importance of being able to feel such a thing? Should these doubts be left untouched? Will the search for a solution soil its purity? One should just carry on and feel it to the fullest. Doubts may not make it weaker cause maybe these questions too are the children of the feeling itself..

YIPPEE!! Exam's over! Thats what you would get to hear nearly every half hour if you are around me since yesterday. Yes the much awaited day has finally done the favor of arriving! The end of the war can be termed as happy for the simple reason that its an end. With many of the poor grey cells slaughtered, the remaining ones which were prepared to fight still not able to digest the shock of start of the battle and under the impression that its still going on continue to mar my dreamland with various confused answers of different subjects making me wake up sweating and close to screaming only to the realization that its nothing but illusions of my poor tired, beaten and helpless brain cells. My hand that instinctively reaches out for d book shelf and again I realize that something is wrong as its not the right place for my hand to go as the exam has just finished!!

So after having dealt with the scary illusions and involuntary movements of hand, I try to think of the many things which I'm at a complete liberty to indulge in (that is without the feeling of guilt which otherwise is continuously hammering at my soul). Suddenly, however, I feel lost as my mind goes blank (more than usual, that is) for not having anything concrete at hand and again I go to the book shelf, this time voluntarily, to get out the old n dog eared notebooks which have still been preserved since 7-8 years, having a few of my creations itched on them in ink. Going through the much worn off papyrus made the treasured memories which had been safely tucked in the safety vault gush out, like water does when the earth is struck at the precise point beneath which the treasure lies.

CP and BP both seem to agree that a few of my childish creations deserve a place on the blog. I'm still debating with them but I don't think my side stands much chance in front of them and some other people who have made similar demands.

So starting with re-writing my poems on fresh pages I have entered into the much desired state of doing what I want, WITHOUT being taunted and questioned, that is! :-)

BP- Chase them off!
CP- I'm thinking bald!
BP- I'm thinking blue..
CP- Today is special!
BP- Cheers! (I get the last word)

(Ya, its one of the precious few days when both seem to agree on the same thing)

Mystic, Royal, Mysterious, Charming, Ferocious, Skillful, Elegant are a few of the attributes that CP thinks of.
Cuddly, Adorable, Appealing, Beautiful are the many Adjective BP could think of..

I say- save the wonderful being and the likes which are on the verge of extinction. Restrict your monstrous and inhuman desire of adorning such useless items for which these astounding creatures of the divine are murdered! Have shame. Help save the tiger and the rest and so yourself..










(Images Courtesy- Internet. Photographers- unknown)

"I'm tired! I'm tired!" BP protests as usual trying to wriggle her way out of the pending load of studies..

One month back where was I?? Now where am I? Same place only the surroundings have changed slightly.. The big day 29th Feb came and went by.. Well it was not all that simple!! I would have to spend hours and hours to describe how and what it was, which is what I prefer to keep myself from indulging into-currently. :-) In short 2days continuous parting. Wrecking havoc on the neighbours' sleep.. The first party was planned and I knew of and the second was what you call a real surprise and something that I always wanted- see all my closest pals together! Thanks to elder sis it came true on my 5th (ahem!) 20th Birthday!! You can imagine my state of utter shock and unexplainable surprise on seeing all the people close to my heart gathered at one place and giving me birthday bums.. Mind you, being lifted in air 20 times is not a joke!! and that too with the surprise still not sinking in!! :-) I fail to understand the inability to express myself on such a great event that took place and which has made its top most place in the dearest memories I shall treasure and carry till my grave.. However I am so glad to be 5!
Some more will come up in the next posts about the reflections upon all these 20 years (if at all i ever reflect)..

Time now for some more cribbing bout the upcoming exams! Vivas have been fought with.. With the brain going blank and voice box stubbornly refusing to work right in front of the examiners who declare that I haven't prepared at all! Now I try to get into my books and wring my brains while things I read just 5-6 hours back just ooze out from god alone knows where.. So a tough battle is being fought, which only makes me wonder how the final battle would be and how many of my grey cells will be sacrificed.. So till another month I sign off. The victory shall be put up whenever it comes by! Until then keep happy (cough) smiling (cough cough) and never give up!! (choke!)

It happens that the thing that you have desired for a long time and tried very had to obtain, doesn't seems all that interesting once you have it all for yourself. Why is it that we always strive to get things that are painfully out of reach and when we reach them their importance is nearly always lost? Is it the effort that we put in or is it that too much time is lost running behind them that finally it doesn't matter any more? or is it that we weren't ever supposed to have them and thats what eventually happens- we let them go.. So why can't we know beforehand what we are supposed to have or for that matter what we want to have!! But then if we knew what we want or what we are going to have what is the point of this huge circus called life?? Won't it all be in vain without the mystery and surprise element? Yes indeed. Both CP and BP seem to agree on this matter so I'm content as, for the time being, no bloodshed is predicted in near future. So just stand back and watch life unfold its wonderful mysteries.. and who knows maybe what you get knowingly or unknowingly is what you always wanted and needed, just realized when you actually got it!! If not doesn't matter anyway :-)

Tension-Sleep-Eat-and more tension!! Thats what happens when you have less than 30 days in hand and with 365 days' worth work to complete!! :-( so basically you just let yourself get torn between a sense of utter hopelessness and a strong will-power coupled with perseverance and watch the effects which include bearing (people and me alike) unabashed irritation, extreme frustration, exceptional restlessness. Its doesn't help feeling that a savage bout of cough is on its way piercing through the throat, which has nothing to do with the cold weather (which has miraculously disappeared) but more to do with the psychological state of imperishable tension and stress from doing nothing. On the brighter side you just feel like giving everything up! :-) A little comfort comes from knowing that my tutor is still going to find time to help me catch up with the whole year's portion.

The realization that this world and everything in it is just an illusion keeps striking every now and then but you still have to gone on with the mundane life as someone up there wants you to believe in these illusions. So hoping to end the vicious cycle as soon as possible, I end it in the post for the time being.. ;-) let the tension not dampen our spirit, lets dampen the tension with spirits! Cheers!