The Soulful Atom

Hurt.. Hurt? How does it feel? Like pinpricks in your eye, or a hammer on your chest, acid in your throat? A clogged vein or a blocked brain, needles in your heart, when you really need to but can't fart? a broken glass in the underside of your foot, water in your nostrils and yet you try to breath..? Gulping crushed glass, sitting on rusted nails, insect in the eye.. Getting your limbs amputated by a saw.. Breaking your head on the cold cruel ice.. Bleeding yourself to death.. Cutting parts of yourself and throwing the pieces for the fish to have for dinner... What does hurt feel like? Is it all this? Or is it simply when some one says good bye?

A few more blank spaces..
I filled some and they created some more..
Beweildered I look back on the moments flown past,
But lost as always I found nothing unusual in those irregularities..
Haplessly I trudge along,
Pushing and panting, searching for a way,
On the path of smooth and shiny uneveness.
Nothing seems to bother the hurricane in my brain..
He lives on all emancipating silent strength,
All through the turmoil, he has to bear all my efforts to satiate him, to calm him,
But he doesn't budge a bit!
He carries on stubborn and unrelenting..
Confounding me with a power heitherto unexperienced..
Bringing to me a light unbearlably unseen..
I bow my head in gratification with a degree of defeat,
I needlessly entrust him with the right to command my soul,
I confer upon him the title of my Master.
And then he creates yet some more blanks spaces,
For me to fill, along with him..
Another master and a new love..
And a few more blank spaces..

- Prachi J.

Three months and 14 days! Phew!! Not quite a long chunk of time and yet it seems like ages! May be this quality of time of seeming to be more in quantity than it actually is, is owing to the quality of time that we have spent. Ahh confusing isn't it? Lets see. Since July there has been so much happening that I haven't come to know how these three months have flown by. Thanks to the post graduation schedule.. They have been a good three months of 70% pseudo hard work and a 30 of genuine. Though the pseudo took up much of the time and energy so it will be unfair to call it pseudo! :-) :-)Looking back on the self that I was when I wrote the last post, I seem to have come a quite long way. It seems pretty far in the past but its unlike the past which gives you the feeling of just having stepped into the past. Letting go has become a habit and yet there is not getting used to it. How much ever you try you cannot shake of things people and feelings that you get used to liking and having around you.. So letting go is indeen a herculean task be it for any living or dead thing having a connection with you. Yet it seems as if I've managed to surmount this difficult task which is as vital as emptying you bowels, and make it as easy a chore as brushing your teeth.. After all you do empty your heart when you let go, and it is NOT as easy as emptying you bowels, on the contrary its more like you heart is constipated. Constipation hurts a lot is not good and neither is it good if your heart goes through desentry! Mine seems to be the latter.

So yes that means that I've been able to let go, perphaps I should thank the gruelling schedule of my new abode of knowledge and the specific teacher who has made the schedule that way, I wonder if even in his wildest dreams had he dreamt that his idea would help a student of him in this way.. ;-) I also wonder if it shall be possible for my little brain to take any more academic torture due to the acts of the same professor..

A little help in the form of moral support could do the trick. Its safe to say that some things in the past, experiences undergone have made me bias about the relation I share with person from whom the “moral support” comes. It would be wise to be honest and accept that no experiences, people and things bear any relation with the bias I hold about having the moral support from a certain specific person who has a different place in my life. That space which needs to be filled, which I try to fill forcefully at times, that I’ve tried to fill every time life presented me with a new option, or I thought it was an option. I still continue to think that every new factor that enters the machine of my life is the nut which can fill in the blank space.. That one blank space. An life would be complete. But what would be the meaning of life if it would be completed, wouldn’t it mean the end? Life is still alive because it is incomplete; it is death which is completion, of anything or any being. For anything to be perfect, all ingredients have to be there in the right amount, imperfection is one of the very important ingredients, and so what is perfection without a dash of imperfection? So let us enjoy the incompleteness and imperfection.. The blank spaces.. :-) Cheers!

"If life is fair to everyone every time, it shall cease to exist"

"Life is all a long dream, death is but the awakening"

- Prachi J

(The second one might have been discovered before by someone else, it just struck me in class one day so put it here. The first one is entirely my creation)

Would the crystalline blue, falling out of the heavens, prick me in the eye, pierce me with agony and wash me out of existence?
Would it bless my soul with peace and serenity?

Would the ever green shade shelter me again?
Would it feed me to the famished creatures of my fears this time?

Would the red liquid rushing from the excruciating wounds behave itself later, if now I swallow it?
Would it cease to exist if I hold on? Would it thrive if I let go?

A blinding short-lived light of insane hope awakens me for an unfortunate instance, tricks me in believing my wishes would come true,
My wishes would defeat my dreams.
My infinite dreams made of nightmares whose jagged unmerciful claws still clutch me close to their wicked cold empty heart, present me to the ghosts of a dead past worth decay.

Burnt by the heat of love, stabbed by the ogle of lust, crushed beneath the saddle of ignorance..

Would it be like my wishes later, if I let the demons decide the fate of my vulnerable soul for now?
Should I let them be my masters? The ruse of humanity, the farces of friendship and the masquerade of love..

Would it be like I want it to be, if I do what they ask me to?
Would it be?

It feels a bit incomplete but everything went blank after this. Its as lost and confused as me! So voila!

Your memories are the lump of hot molten iron in my throat..
They push down and the iron melts more, dropping down,
Cutting through my chest,
Churning and Gashing in my stomach ..
They churn and crush, they slash and gnash my whole being by an intoxicating radiance..
Till I can stand no more, till i succumb to the overpowering refulgence, till I throw up the colorful brightness..
The torturing cruelly agonizing memories come pouring out bidding adieu..
Yet another roller coaster of emotions sets out on a bitter-sweet ride re-visiting the agonies and ecstasies of the foregone..
That molten iron part of yours belongs to me..
Frozen in the moments gone by..
Held there by thin yet strong strands of my love..
When all the dreams were happy and seemed to come true all because of you!
I stretch my hand out unwilling to let go..
Feel your memories caress and console me helping me regain my peace..
Laying motionless then I hold on tight as they hug me back, proving their actuality
At least they shall stay, being a part of my existence.. Clinging.. Forever..
At least they shall stay.. If not you..
- The Unstable Atom

BP- You rock baby!
CP- Totally...

Today the sky chose to wear the colors of my mood or shall I say moods! The deep grayish blue mass was swallowing the sky and a rainbow broke and sprinkled itself through the robes of the heavens as widely as possible :-) Not so clear but then no artificial eye can capture the beauty of nature as the nature's gifted eye can!! So cheers!!

FINALLY!!!!!!!!! My most beloved rain has not been able to hold back and poured all over me yesterday!! The whole day clouds kept giving signs of my beloved's arrival, I was satisfied with the signs alone but there was indeed a secret nagging which kept me vigilant, looking out of the window, my ears sharp for any sound of a drop, nose alert for any smell of the cherished darling meeting his (the Earth).. Nothing happened all the day through which did nothing to dampen my spirits though, as I said I was happy with the signs alone. Yesterday was the day of football test (It consists of dribbling, juggling, shooting, some other skills, rugby and fitness tests). I was on ground early for it was not possible to stay at home when the indications were so strong. There they were the clouds.. Full and round, Black and beastly promising to engulf the whole of Earth, She seemed to be trembling with the promise. Awaiting just like me for our Precious. ;-) The smile on my face which occasionally spurted out as a laugh could not be wiped out by anything under the sky.
As I continued practicing my juggling, (test had to start yet as many players were on their way and yet to reach) I could feel the breeze growing colder, turning into wind and picking up dust on its way to nowhere.. Then there was the first drop, as minute as it could get on the wrist of my right hand.. As if wanting to lead me to my love. I was exhilarated, but i stayed I knew he would come for me.. And he didn't make me wait long.. Soon the wind blowed himself out and there His Majesty graciously arrived flanked by intoxicating lightening and daunting thunder.. The Earth raised to greet him. Took him in her earthly arms.. I could just watch and be astounded by what I was feeling.. Then came the love-making, which swept me off my feet (well literally*). After 365 days of wait, The two lovers could try but not hide their pure anguish of being away from each other, the wild desperation, the untainted excitement fused with absolute delirious delight and simple happiness.. It was an exuberant welcome.. The Earth didn't know where to put him and what to do, all she could do was to ask the wind to come back and hide them from the envious evil eye of the world. And so did the wind oblige.. He raised a ghastly alarm. He blew hard , He blew bad, He blew fiercely, He blew with all his strength and He blew all of us away..
*Literally, all the players on the ground were being blown away. The kids had to be brought to the shelter. Some of the stray footballs blew away and as I tried to retrieve them I was nearly thrown on the ground by managed to stay on my feet with the support of a tree which looked as if it would give away any moment and take me with it.. So then we waited for a while and let the wind continue its job and He was doing well, we could see nothing of the love-making of the two lovelorn lovers.. The whiteness on the ground, like mist, was unimaginable and I was experiencing this for the first time.. I could feel the Earth shudder as she was nearing the climax and so was the cataract.. We were being splashed with the showers even in the shelter. Then both the lovers gave in and the rain subsided a bit.. La terre calmed down a bit too.. They then glowed in the aftermath, they cuddled and whispered and talked of their long days apart.. The rain told the earth of how she had deteriorated in her health but yet her beauty was surreal. The earth complained of the his late arrival and the pains of her wait.. He consoled her that this time he would stay and hoped that the humans would be clever enough to make the arrangements for him to stay for the period of time that he should for their own good. They contemplated global warming which is a nagging nightmare for both.. They both pondered awhile and then let it go wanting to live in d moment lost in each other's arms..
The rain ebbed a bit and that was our cue! Bang we were on d ground geared with a rugby ball and all set.. Then came the real fun.. The Romeo n Juliet had left a pool of water more than ankle-deep. The whole football field is now converted into a mini lake! So there we were splashing away and enjoying ourself.. The game (four against four) was full of lovely tackles, according to sir, and lots of tries and many bruises which were felt later in the night.. After an hour of mud fighting we all were exhausted with what all the laughing and finding gaps and scoring.. In someone's devilish mind was a plan of pile ons!! I was the first target.. Was brought down on my back with all the 8-9 others on me strangling me with the muddy water into my ears and mouth!! It was great fun however ;-) I admit. Then came two more pile ons and we were totally completely done for the day! It was one of the best evenings in my life, another additions to the moments and days which will be guarded close to my heart and which shall always be cherish..
Even the two hours long journey back home, which usually take 15 minutes on my bike, owing to a traffic jam could not dither my élan! :-) Later I found out it was due to the offerings that the Earth made in honor of her beloved.. The sacrifices that She made on His arrival.. Trees were uprooted and Huge branched were snapped off.. This was a spectacle of love.. The earth blossoms again as an aftermath sprinkled with beautiful colors.. May their love bring the most ravishing and pulchritudinous fruit that man has ever witnessed! Bless them both..
HAPPY MONSOON now and always!! :-)

Broken. Bleeding. Beaten. Waiting to be buried at the hands of love.. Knowing full well that this last wish will not be granted, the small splintered heart shall always be waiting, looking out from its bed of bloody fragments, though the rest will move on.. It shall always throb with your love like the pulse in your neck on the emerald grass.. It shall go on knowing that, though you are not around, you walk the same earth as its feet, you breathe the same oxygen air as its nose, you have the same sky for your shelter as its head does, you drink water from the same waters as its mouth does. Loving itself for you have touched it. Conquered it. and you shall always stay in it, which is rightfully your home. I shall suffer more than ever, I'm aware of that fact but I shall wait.. Like never before.. For you..

CP- Oh my thats some story!! Great love and all that.
BP- Sob Sob.
CP- Ha ha. Ya right BP!!
BP- *grin*
CP- Thank god for a moment I thought you actually thought it to be true AND felt something!
BP- Now accept that I can act! I rock man!