The Soulful Atom

I want to see the silver of street lamp poles against a grey blue sky filled up, to the brim, with rains dying to crash..
I want it to rain all over me and inside me..
Its been so long..
And its a life long siesta now..
For now- he shall only see me and maybe try to touch..
But he shall never drench me inside..
My lover snatch form me.. by me..
My rain.. Will the rain feel the same again, ever?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2wmKcBm4Ik

If only.. Memories.. Anyhow..

I laugh aloud almost as i write this! haha.. in the words of someone once very important in like "irrcorrigible" not sure i spelled that right. Anyhow. It all seems soooo strange and lovely and painful and beautiful and peaceful at the same time! As usual mixed emotions and mood swings never leave me.. i don't think they ever will, and i love it too (at times). Back to the post.. hehe.. Looking back.. Life has changed soooo much in the past 8 months.. I could've never imagined! Never imagined that something normal could happen for me and that it could bring happiness.. Of all the things i wanted this would also happen for me.. It is beautiful yes and normal..
I questioned myself a few times is this me? I'm not this.. Rather i wasn't this.. and perhaps a part of me never will be.. That crazy part of me is still alive.. a bit confined now, i guess with age and the need for stability it had to be.. But it is alive and thriving..
Normal was never my genre.. and glad to re-discover this about myself.. :) *YAY*
But stepped down i have. Saw and experienced the joy in stability and knowing that when i wake up tomorrow that fear is not going to be around. Its not going to be around any day i wake up. The fear of loss. The fear i grappled with every day, almost every moment for more than 3 years.. It ate into my flesh and left marks.. It went bad the wound filled with pus.. The pain became numb and the numbness also hurt!
It was so much that i had to cut it off before i could stand back and take a good look at what my life had come to.
The wounds are healing slowly.. It will take time.. It was too deep.. A part of my very soul.. And it shall stay that way.. but the wounds will heal eventually.. Life has taken a turn for the better. Or so they will say.. Them normal people. And it does seem peaceful here.
Last year this time I would've never imagined all these things. When you give life a chance she surprises you beyond your dreams.. The joys of having so many people around who love you and are there for you without any personal or social restrictions and holdbacks. When you can just be yourself with them and in front of the whole wide world, and specially when they have no issues with it.. Its beautiful and more than that its peaceful.. Peace, something i craved for. Fighting nightmares and swollen eyes almost on a daily basis for a large part of past 4 years. For someone having craved for a tiny ray of hope of belief everyday and getting only pain and hopelessness, this is heaven..
So peeking back the year hasn't been the worse i had feared.. Its been better.. When you find love while being the deepest corner of dispair.. And when that love itself holds on and brings you out, thats something! :) The past shall be with me in a pleasant way.. You can never cut out love even when its bearers are no longer with you the way they used to be. Be thats all the place they get. A tiny corner tucked away safely. The time is missed.. a lot of things are.. But its time for something that i deserved a long time back. Peace, love, care, consideration, and priority. What else could i have asked for! :) *YAY* :D So peeking back makes me look ahead more.. and look forward to the present and future! Cheers!

BP- HUH? are you looking forward to the past or looking behind to the future?
yo makin me crazy gurrrll
CP- Shush! *frown* quiet now.
BP- OH yeaaaah as if you understand it no? big brains! :P yaaabbaaa daaabbaaa doooo :P :D *crazy dance*
CP- *straight face* haha! *LOL* :D :) i love you BO no matter what!
BP- yeah i believe you! :* muaaah!!
CP - *Smile affectionately*
BP - *blink stupidly*

I love you both!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *YAY*

CP- *YAY*
BP- *still blinkly with a stupid grin*
CP- BPPPPP!!!
BP- oh *YAY* haha.. yeah whatever *dancing away*

oh man this can go on and on!!!!! see ya! :P :D ;) muaaaaaaaaaah!!

So, on this usual road i take to office when i'm riding, there are a new set of speed bumps put up. The lanes are pretty narrow and all blind turns. Before there used to be people coming from the other side whom we couldn't see or anticipate and it was quite a stressful few minutes. But now thanks to these speed bumps, which initially felt irritating, people actually have to forcible slow down. They may not immediately think and hence end up cursing the bumps, but eventually will figure out that those speed bumps make you think. They make you consider others.

Life throws us speed bumps too! So many times we don't think, we do slow down but we get irritated more than taking a moment to think. Thee is a reason that bump came about. Someone else, ideally life, thought about you and put that bump. Cause thats what life does, it gives you a stop a break and some means to complete the task- cause it does care! Thinking needn't be about the bump itself but about life in general. Bumps in life can be sorrow, happiness, deaths, births, Anything that makes you pause for a moment from the rush that your life has become! Anything that is unexpected, deviating from your plans, it maybe a good thing or bad thing ie making you happy or sad. But make sure the next time you experience a speed bump, be it in life or on the road, you take a moment to think. Life is teaching you to be considerate and compassionate and also in turn helping you to take care of yourself! :) :)

You are here in our hearts n always will remain..
Each departing soul feels like a corner stone slipping..
And yet we have to hold on..
We have to live..
Life for them, live their lives n for their joy..
You were loved n always will be..
You are missed n always will be..
You are n will continue to be an integral part of our lives..

To all those who we have lost to time.. May you rest in peace.. Hope you are watching over us n those who have moved on hope you have a lovely long life there! Love you!!

Stepping into the water, he tests it first.
Apprehensive, scared.
Full of lust, craving for the deep dark blue, almost black..
Once he gets in there is no turning back.
The scars on his back tingle with excitement. Also reminding him of the wounds and the fact that they have now healed.
His naked strong chest puffed, rising and falling rapidly.
The cold night aid ripping at him lungs.
He looks on ahead standing, still on the outside as a war rages inside.
Images flash in the night sky before him..
Pictures from another life.. Long forgotten biding a final goodbye..
A tiny wave grabs his attention back.
The water is inviting, a steady calm sheet of icy black.
He need only take the leap, and he will be rescued.
She had promised him so.
But the fear has him gripped in its deadly clutches, rooting him with its dirty dark nails dug deep into the shores of uncertainty.
Standing there suddenly the horizon lights up with chinks of light..
Tiny bright fairies sprinkled across the darkness.
And in that moment he knows!
The chains of fear freeze at his feet, crack and fall away.
The smile spreads warmth and envelops his soul..
And before he knows it, the water has cuddled him carefully at her heart.
His faith restored,
His fears washed off,
He swims.. In the deep dark cold..
The warm loving bossom of this seemingly cold devil heals all the residual pain, makes him whole.
And he swims, to his heart's content..
Looking to the horizon, and many more to be reached with his beloved.
Free finally..

ती असते..
कुठल्या तरी शाळेच्या बाकावर कोरलेली..

तिथेच विसरून राहिलेल..

ती असते..

कुठल्यातर गल्लीच्या कोप्रिॅयेवार

लाजत ऊभी..

एका भयाण काळरात्री, वाट बघत थांबलेल

ती असते..

तिथच..

एका कुरळल्या बटी मधे गुंतून राहिलेली..

ते बंदा डोळे मनात साठवून घेत..

पहाटेची घृणा करत

ती असते..

टेकडीवर शांत शेजारी बसलेली..

वार्यावर येणारा तो सुगंध ते क्षण सामावून घेत..

ती असते..

कधी शांत, कधी मिश्किल..

कुठल्यातरी गाडीच्या धुरात वाहून गेलेली..
कुठल्या तरी जल्लोषात..
दुसर्यच्या मिठीत..
तिच्या घुसमटलेल्या अश्रू मधे..
कुठल्यातरी वळणावर अचानक भेटलेली
त्या दोघांच्या भिडलेल्या नजरेत लपलेली
आवडलेली, विसरलेली, नसूनही असणारी..

ती आपली ती..

ती तशीच असते..

प्रत्येक ठिकाणी ती आढळून येते..

बघा कधीतरी डोळे उघडून..

मनाला लागूनजाईल.. स्पर्शूनजाईल..

अशी ती एक प्रेमकहाणी सगळी कडे असते..