The Soulful Atom

Rain.. One of the eternal giver of life..
The wait: Waiting for rain, first a slight worry and then utter panic, the water cuts and all sorts of flyers for water saving floating around, praying etc.
The frustration: Then there are only the clouds gathering and dispersing and not quite raining.
The joy: The rain comes in bits and pieces, there is pure joy at the first sight and smell of rains.
The irritation: Then rain comes down in his full glory. The incessant downpour becomes irritating for most since plans are cancelled, travelling becomes a pain so on and so forth.
The begging: People start beeging for a glimpse of the sun, for a respite from the wetness.
There is the pleasure of a dry spell and slowly the rain abaits. Then they are back to the longing for it again!

I guess that sums up the human rain cycle.

Rain is one of the things i truly adore. People say they love rain. I think everyone's love for rain differs. I also think it almost defines how they can love as a human and what love really means to them. Even for other humans/things. I tried to list my observation of such.. ;) :) Just for fun..

Some people totally detest rain. Had it not been a necessity and had they had the power, they would have abolished rain as a phenomenon completely
Some people like rain. Not quite for the existence of it but as a necessity. They keep away from it. They say its utmost necessary and good its raining but it better rain at night when everyone is sleeping. Fill up the dams n rivers etc when no one is at work.
Some people like it only cause it makes the surrounding so awesome and they want to go on trips and picnics and gloat about it to others. Also to blabber about it in some seemingly romantic way.
Some people love it but they don't like it to rain any other time than in the monsoon.
Some people love it, they love getting wet in the first rain. They love it when it rain - when they want. They find it romantic. They don't usually have issues with it pouring at anytime but might get irritable if it pours on a very important time for them etc. But they have fond memories of rain in its true sense.

My love for it is unconditional. Irrespective of the time of the year/day, irrespective of if i'm all dressed up to go out, just getting home or already out doing some chores or travlling one place to another.. He is always welcome. My love for him is being totally drenched to the core, to my very bones and soul.. I have memories of rain itself. Not with someone else, but with rain. Its just me and him. My love is for his sheer existence.. Whether he take care of the farmers or he floods the place.. He is the king ofmy heart.. So here you are.. For my love of the rain.. :) ;)

I took a different route today
A route less taken these days
It is a long route..
"Its just one of those days" i said
And the lashes plucked a tear from my eye as they heard what i said
The memories tugged at me
And i let myself plunge into their deep bossom
It was a clear day..
With bright blue clean skies..
A day when the rain has poured itself out
Cleaned everything in its way including itself..
The rain makes way for the sun..
And out he comes,
Making everything its light touches shine brilliantly..
Thanks to the rain..
I passed through the by-lanes
The dense Banayan trees.. :)
The same roads pockmarked by puddles..
The leafy green shadows playing hide and seek with them..
A car parked on a lonely road..
Long roads, resturants, and a smile..
The joy, the peace, the completeness..
Its more of the weather than the person..
Its more of the memories than wanting to have it again now..
Its more of the way you felt within that matters than any of those bygones..
I took a different route today..
Down the little winding memory lane.. :)

There are times, not too often that i watch some talk shows. Today being one such day. I just happened to stumble upon this one episode of The Front Row with Aishwarya Rai. I don't know why i decided to go ahead n watch it, not being all that interested in her. Maybe just for the heck of it. But happened to love it! It made me think so much about the new relationships i'm welcoming in life! I found a lot of similarity being a newly married old couple, as well as the way she defines her husband. Sometimes you tend to understand things about people which are deep inside. At times even the ones close to you may not understand your decisions, may not see the person you have chosen for who he/she really is! And i'm glad i realise this now..
It has indeed made me look at her in a different light. Somehow it makes me feel much better about myself. There are so many negatives i've been worried about since quite sometime.. Also have been worried about having lost a mentor. Just realising now that there is so much more life.. And that mentors come in all shapes and sizes if not just the one! :)

Take a look if at all you are interested TFR :) :)

Oh yes. Thats right. What do you say when someone asks whose there? You say its me! I've been lost and confused many times. And in being lost and confused and finding my way out is being myself. Rather that what life is i believe. However there are moments of realisation, about life, love, yourself, another person, relationships anything.. I had some moments before, but this one is quite special.
I've written about people. MANY people, love interests mostly. This blog itself was formed to try to find myself when i was betrayed in one of the most classic of ways by a guy. But then the blog became a part of me. It really helped me to find myself. I won't say i have accomplished the feat but nonetheless the blog is a constant reminder of who i am.
Recently somethings happened which were quite against my nature. Rather against something i believed myself to be. I thought i would have to change, that i can't be myself any more it crushed me. People told me thats how its meant to be, you have to change somethings so on an so forth, like people always tell, like someone pays them to tell you things! Duhhh! irritating. Anyway.. So i was thinking about things which mean so much to me. Things which are so dear to me, my thoughts, actions everything defines me, the person i am. How can i change myself and for what? i was feeling pressurised and thought i couldn't go ahead. the only person i could think of sharing it with thankfully was the same person closely involved in all this!
What happened next, won't delve into the details now, made me i believe that even after all trials and tribulations in life, it does need a lot of luck to find someone who beyond everything lets you be yourself! Who infact urges you to be yourself! That was all i could ask for.. Someone who makes it such joy to say it is me! This is me, i don't have to and i won't change only cause the so called society needs me to act in a certain way. And it is such a huge deal that you are supported and accepted fully as you are by the one you love! Thank you for being you and being with me.. :) What is this if not love? :)

She's full to the brim.
Eager, her breasts swollen,
Bursting with love to offer..
He waits patiently,
Never hurrying her..
He knows his love will melt her.
She's almost there.
He waits.
Holding her,
Through her tantrums and curses,
Hurled at him for no reason at all.
He stood waiting patiently,
Watching her as she went around in circles..
He saw her all the time
A faint smile playing his lips at some times
And a grave grimace the others..
His love is quiet, serene..
Her's is wild, untamed, crazy..
He needed her more than she him..
And yet their actions were opposite..
She tugged at his heart..
Tried to tear it apart,
With daggers of mean cruel questions meant to break him..
She looked to him for answers to her hurt in the past..
He had none, or perhaps some..
She wanted to pour..
Like the crazy whirlwind she was..
Always had been..
And then she did..
He welcomed her with wide open arms..
Plunging in her depths..
The warmth took him by surprise and he smiled
The smile which spoke volumes, the smile that spoke of love and something much more than that..
She poured and poured, drown him in only one thing she knew how to do..
And then she stayed..
Lying besides him for an eternity.
He kept looking at her
At her closed eyes
At her satisfied smile, knowing he was the reason behind it..
A quiet smile and a silent tear slips him and he keeps looking still..
Wondering in awe..
She is his lover, his child, his mother, his friend..
She is his.
There is a blossom out there..
A blossom that just saw the light of the day
And the water of the dew..

She knew this would happen. She always knew she was right. She told him. She told herself and yet she did it. Over and over again. He didn't listen, or maybe he did but he didn't act, perhaps he could. And so she did it. She cut herself. She drowned. She burned. In hope that she wouldn't recognise herself after all this. But he was etched too deep inside. In her very skin. She could forget herself but him? The intensity of their love was too much. It had burned a gaping hole in her soul when she had tried to grope him out of with her filthy nails. Her nails filthy from all the crying, all the cursing all the yelling, all the writhing around in pain digging at her heart.. Her heart was frayed and stuck in her nails along with her hair. Oh such filth! She thought she could do it. She knew she would against her will. Yet she found love again. But it wasnt the same, it wasn't meant to be. It was flawed. But so were they back then.
This flaw was a bit different, this flaw was not meant to be tended to. It should've been uprooted or maybe not. It can't be, it shouldn't be. It wasn't a flaw. She knew this would happen. That she would be lost and confused again. That maybe she would never be the same again. She kept looking back. It poured down on her now, the rain. Merciless or maybe it was trying to soothe her. Trying to give some sort of reassurance. Trying to cuddle her. The warmth which always refused to belong to her. Which would never now belong to her.
She was a woman. A woman alone. She was accepted and yet she was alone. They both were alone. She more than him. Cause he had her. She would always be with him beyond death. As for her he was alive but not her's, he never was. She was never meant to be two maybe. She was meant to be a wandered a vagabond, a dusky gypsy holding mysteries from her past, unhealed wounds helping her get on with yet another day. She was meant to be a refuge for those struggling in their paths. A pond to drink at, rest and leave behind. Yet he had made her feel she was a meadow by herself, his home. Only to be left back time and again.
She has fallen in love again, as if she can help it. And it hurts. Its not fair. When was it ever fair. There are words and there are actions as well now but its just not enough. The hungry gaping vacuum in her heart asks for more, its an endless pit, and she fears for him. Though she needn't cause he is not her's! He will never be. Oh such irony. He gives whatever is left with him, whatever he can spare left from his true love. Its always been scraps for her. People dropping unwanted pennies in her belly.
She looks at him tries to descipher and she can see her.. The places she craved were taken- always, just like this one. There is no turning back. There is no healing only a wait.. A wait for the eternal, when she can leave him to her.. He is in her care till he can be ready for the final journey to his love..
She sits back and looks on to the falling rain, after a storm of tears has passed, yet again, back at a time when there was a little girl.. Naive, true, pure, hopeful, dreamy..

There are many things.. So many.. So many dreams..
All come together since childhood..
Woven together slowly over days and stages of life..
With the fabric of belief
Dark as the night, dotten with bright stars, millions of them!
The dreams fall in drapes into so many "i always wanted.."
Bright eyes and a hopeful heart
They have a college romance,
A bike ride drenched in rain,
Skipping classes,
The first touch, a flurry of finger tips and soft lips..
A stolen hug..
The sharing of a special something, a secret
Sweet nothings through the corridors,
A lonely night not so alone,
A belongingness, a possession
A someone, true with all their hearts
Through festivals and sorrows..
A hand to hold, a hug to cry into..
Eyes to hold their laughter, a heart to love and care for as their own..
Oo they got that, thats what she always wanted
She sees hope again and got back afresh..
Then she waits, heart break after heart break, she will wait..
Running behind the smoke on water
Healing hurting and yet healing..
Craving those little things she always wanted..
From people who never understand,
She picks up their pain n makes it hers..
She loves so much that it hurts her,
And as if it wasn't enough they hurt her too..
She kept dreaming, believing, hoping.. and eventually praying..
But it burned the cloak she wove, adored and wore every single day
It faded.. Taking all the i always wanted's with it
Until they remained just that wishes, dreams..
Dark wisps of smoke on water..
Disappearing.. A faded fabric of hope forgotten at the bottom of her treasure chest, locked away..
Buried in her past inside her
The little petal saved in a romantic book long forgotten.. Marking a page that defined her dreams
Aeons later she found love again..
Their pain from their past was her's now.. Again..
But what is this sudden pain.. The incessant pinpricks behind her eyes remind her of something from another lifetime..
The cloak pokes her.. It is faded, thin and light like the morning air, dotted with dried blood from her years of suppressing
"Thats what i always wanted" it whispers..
"I wish we had it.."
But what is this pain she asks..
Well, it never left..