The Soulful Atom

In her gap toothed smile, i found innocence
The warm gap in his fingers, i found companionship
The stringy gap in her hair, i found experience
The gap in distance, i found longing
In the gap between mountains, i found determination
The gap spokes, i found thrill
The gap in keys, i found a home
The gap in pages, i found my own world
In the gap between lashes, i found expression
The gap between toes, found a foothold
The gap in my heart- would you find your place?

So this is how it goes down, i assume.

Imagine yourself at a jolly lively colorful fair. You are there with your besties look around, laughing, trying out stuff and in general having fun.. Out of the blue a lovely attractive person comes up to you. They have a bowl of delicious looking candies or whatever it is that might catch your fancy. They start a conversation and slowly without asking or offering put the delectable goodies in your mouth. You are startled at first but obviously pleasantly. The things offered are nice, indeed, and some are even stuff that you really wanted or love! You are not expected to pay for it or give anything in return. An attachment develops as their seductive eyes hold yours. You don't even notice that as the pile of goodies in the basket starts dwindling the person's appears becomes more and more starved, but the enchanting smile stays on holding yours. You don't even notice the stuff depleting. Then when the basket in empty, they ask you for something back. You are taken aback. You were not expecting this. It makes sense to give something back but you don't know what? The attachment is strong so you don't want to turn them down, but you are at a loss of what to do! You do want the stuff they have on offer but now since its over they can't do much about it. They tell you that you can give them anything like they did, it needn't be something they've always wanted, just something to keep the magic basket alive and full. You try a bit but it doesn't seem to be enough, the basket seems to have developed a hole and everything seems to be falling out! Even they don't want to let go and so keep pushing you. You start noticing other things in the fair. Slowly your attention falters, but they seem quite stuck there, with you. You don't understand why you have to give back when you didn't ask for anything in the first place, then the guilty conscience sets in. You should give back if you took. But that doesn't help the fact that possible you don't want to give or you don't know what to give. The person's patience is low, they start getting agitated, and what seems like a blissful oblivion a while back starts becoming something nasty. You want to get out of there. And that's where it all starts falling to pieces.

This is just a perspective on the give and take in a relationship. Linking to expectations, when you give you shouldn't expect anything back unless you have made sure that there would be something else in return. If you want to give cause that makes you happy then you can't expect the other person to give something back! There is your expectation mismatch. And all this is in your head. You don't ask the person if they can give back , cause thats not how giving works. Its over time that you realise you have given out too much, you still want to but then you are left with nothing to give. Its kind of a weird circle. Understanding the act of giving, which is actually quite simple, become difficult when we get blinded by our needs. Understanding the other person, their expectations and capabilities and matching them with ours is important if you want to continue together. If you realise they aren't matching, its better to pause and take measure before letting yourself get burnt out and then blaming others for the things they never agreed to in the first place. Ideas and way of showing love are another aspect. Everyone has their own way. Its important to understand what yours are and what you expect than to just jump into something without thinking. Then again, if we all could think and fall in love, it wouldn't be love would it ;) However it does apply to the next stage of love which is a "relationship" if you want to have one. Then you need to decide what kind of a relationship you want! Too much math isn't it?
But then who cares! Go out there, fall, get hurt and get back up.. And in the process don't forget to enjoy yourself!! :D :D Give all you want and take whatever comes your way!

Is it love if it needs to be affirmed repeatedly? Is it love if it does not affirm itself? Tricky business isn't it? Insecurity requires affirmations.. And when insecurity is overcome affirmations are no longer required. But wouldn't it be nice to get affirmations of love even when there is no insecurity?
What is an affirmation of love? Is it the presence of the person, loving words, a glance, a caress, a materialistic gift, a normal casual conversation, a fight, saying the words repeatedly or saying it just once? Is it need to say it repeatedly? And if you don't, does it mean you don't love anymore? Or just nothing.. Does nothing account for an affirmation of love? Doing and saying nothing? Who knows..

Recently a very close friend of mine told me I would always be special to him. I asked why? He asked if it was necessary to elaborate. I said it would be nice if he did cause I've never heard anyone elaborate anything about how n what they feel for me.. And after that the words he said pierced me so much that i almost regretted asking him.. It made me wonder why such things happen. Why couldn't i give back the same amount of love to people who did genuinely love me? Why didn't i feel the same way for them. But I'm glad they remain close to me.. I carry them in my heart always. Coming back, such an affirmation of love expressed maybe only once in life would be enough to sustain two people perhaps..

Of late all my conceptions of love n romance have been put to the test.. And so I'm left with absolutely no idea of what to expect and if the things I've always wanted would ever happen.. But that's me digressing.. Do you know what an affirmation of love is? Something to think about? :)

where are you my love? its been so long.. so long that you where here right besides me.. loving caresses.. playful teasing.. day in and day out.. what happened this time? its been so long that you drenched m right to my soul.. so much that i had you inside me! in my very being.. i crave for you.. why are you so half hearted this time around? your glory seems shunned as if your heart isn't into it anymore.. waiting for you to pour.. to flood me and take me away into raptures.. pour down my darling.. atleast for her.. atleast i will get to see you, feel you, be with you.. you came for her even before i existed.. n now you seem distant, careworn.. i longed for you and im still longing this time.. there is the promise i see it everyday and yet you don't arrive.. restore my faith.. i need you.. i love you.. drench me to my bones.. fill me up.. i'm waiting.. come along now.. even if it is for her that you come.. lets bring back the hapiness again.. let me hold your hand it will be alright my love.. you were there for me always n now i am here for you..

There is this one place. Somewhere inside, perhaps it was somewhere outside once. Perhaps there were many such with the same texture to them. There is rain pouring, there is a chill in the air.. There are people around, many, a preparation, hard work, late nights.. A secret urge, an acute attraction, brief stolen glances, a sudden meeting of eyes and hurried turning away with a small smile to self.. There is a longing to experience it.. This nostalgia exists when the experience doesn't! :) There is a song (Paus asa runazunata). There is a painful craving to have it within as it is outside.. This nostalgia, to have it fully. It is like a dream, from an unknown place, somehow visited in the mind.. Perhaps someday again.. We will be young, younger.. carefree, with possibilities.. More possibilities and a freedom from ourselves, to choose. :) The rain, the clouds.. and some more.. a longing..

So many of them! The come in all shapes, sizes and colors.. It difficult for a person like me, who is almost bipolar (not entirely), to be able to make decisions. When there is a constant conflict inside with respect to anything, when both choices (assuming there are two) seem to be OK. This phenomenon is observed at times for the smallest of decisions, for example which side of the bed to get down from! :O haha.. At times the choice is very simple. At times it also helps to have a third person's perspective. And a third person meaning someone who is not remotely associated with your situation. A sounding board. At times i wish i don't have to take a decision, mostly in situations which are not going to be fair to anyone involved. I'm surprised about the frequency of me getting into such situations! :O Nonetheless it is me who has to take the decision or else things would never move forward. It is so difficult to think from all aspects. People close to you want you to take the right decision. But how can you know what is right and what is wrong while you are taking the decision if you don't know what lays ahead? They want you to think from all sides, but there is always a possibility for variable change! And you cannot account for it really while taking the decision. So it is possible that down the line your decision would end up being the wrong one. Now the question remains so what if it ends up being wrong? If i let someone else decide for the the odds are the same that their decision would be wrong too! So rather i buck up and take a decision. Come what may! You tend to be a bit cautious when your decision is going to affect those close to you, the people you care for and those who care for you. However if you do matter to them and they matter to you, and your decision with respect to them ends up being wrong you would always be given a chance for amends right? And even if you are not, you will know where you stand! So well, a decision it is! Made in the head ready to be taken, with shaking hands and watered eyes.. Nothing is written in stone when it comes to life.. So lets bring it on..!!

We all know the famous anecdote about the pessimist and the optimist talking about how the glass if half empty or half full. I was wondering about that and a thought came to my mind. When a pessimist says that the glass is half empty, he obviously does see the water (or whatever else you want) in it and then he sees the empty space, so it could be possible that he sees an opportunity for the glass to be filled further. In thinking this maybe he is being hopeful or more optimist about new opportunities and possibilities for being better. Whereas the so called optimist just sees what is there and then stops at it. Taking this perspective perhaps its good to appreciate what you already have (like the optimist does) but isn't it better to look for what more can be done? And how you can improve even further with a hope and belief that it indeed is possible since the glass is half empty! :) Something to think about?