The Soulful Atom

A Boon and a Bane, a Broken Cane, Shallow rain,
The excruciating Pain, all in Vain,
Nothing to Lose and much to Gain,
Again and again; My heart open is Lain,
All I feel is Insane,
Never was I a Plain Jane,
Played as I in d darkened Lane..
Watching through the light window Pane..
Waiting for my knight with a long Mane,
Would there be a day when I would be all Sane?
Or am I meant to be just this Insane Ane?


Friend Forever, Passionate Lover, Loving Mom, Doting Dad, Elder Sis, Honest Critic, Supporting Senior, Godly Mentor, Fun-loving Friend, Concerned Granny, Strict Granddad, Chilled out Aunt, Interested Uncle, Protective Bro, Helping Hands, Caring Hearts, Eyes Watching Out, Intense Relations, Delicate Threads, Fragile Emotions, Deep Bonds..
All of them are there, always there..
Yet the heart seeks something deeper, something unknown.. Is it there and still unseen? Do I have it and still knowingly or unknowingly I throw it away? Have I thrown it away? Heart wrenching thoughts come to haunt me again.. I don't understand the motive I had behind my own actions in the past..
How much ever I try to live in the present, I go back to the past.. Cause what I want is what I lost in the past.. My hands were full of it.. of the love, care, support, strength of the person who meant the world to me.. I threw away my world, wanting it to know of my need.. I threw it away without intending to do so. Even after hundreds of apologies to try and hold it up and safe, my world comes crashing down around me.. The world which anyone would lust for..
I could never dream of this day, not even think of it and it has arrived.. I've borne it from my own unsuspecting mouth and cruel, acid words.. it has taken roots and it continues its dead decayed dark journey with my being.. Haunting all my thoughts, reminding me of my deeds each passing moment, it doesn't reduce but increases with every regretful thought that blooms in my sick soul..
I continue to do so, unlearning from the past.. I cut away from people I want, in pursuit of wanting them to know my needs my desires, to be with them; I cut away..
I hurt them, I trod on their feelings, I shamelessly beg for their forgiveness..
I lay myself open before them.. yet again.. They've seen me without any of my rare masks..
They know the color of my soul, and they loved it, they wanted it.. they cared.. THEY CARED!
and yet I caused so much hurt that they have lost the ability to love it any more..
I try to give up and can't do that either.. Had never dreamt that a crack would grow this large that even my heart's cry won't reach out to her's..
What happens to all the promises and the confidence? Did I burn it all? Do I not get any consideration for the pain that I go through that they have not faced? And god forbid shall never have to face? Did I really cross the line? Do i always expect too much? Have I never given any consideration and then where do they disappear to when I do really need them and tell them so? Isn't a friend in need a friend indeed? Does this have conditions like if 7 out of 10 times the friend is there then he's eligible to be a true friend? if 5 out of 10 times he's there then he's eligible to be a good friend.. and so on? Is it so? Can i have an answer or can I have you back please? Do my tears mean nothing to you any more? I am sorry.. My soul-mate, my friend.. My best friend-since-school-days..