The Soulful Atom

Diary entry 4/7/08

Afternoon:
Raining, Its lovely outside. Was about to go get some work done when plan got cancelled. Thats when the wind blew in showering drops of water inside through the window.. I change and sit at d window already relishing the ahunting beauty on monsoons, music playing from my broken "fly" phone, and the drizzle stops... vanishes completely to be replaced by dazzling monsoon sun.. Amazed at how i manage to relate and connect everything to love and relationships..
Like this drizzle made me think of the brief realtionships we have in life.. Infatuation, attraction, pseudo "love", which seem to last for a lifetime, we run for cover, cover ourselves or at times get ready to be totally drenched and the drizzle stops. As abruptly as it had started..Sometimes you can foresee but sometimes you are just defeated, like i feel now..
The clouds are clearing, the sun shines through more brightly... Its funny how the one single thing can be made to depict two totally opposite views. Like rain signifies sorrow but also life at times.. The sun signifies the coming of good times, warmth but also a lot of sun can be harsh and can mean destruction..
I hate being negative cause what I think might just happne. I can't be too hopeful cause the thing might not happen! Funny..But then rather be positive, hope, dream away and try making those dreams come true..

Evening 7:26
(original entry in French, so some feelings are lost in translation and might not have the desired impact)
I'm at NIBM. at some other place than the usual lawn. There is still some light, so night falls i'll go to the lawn. All alone.. The birds are making a lot of noise as usual.. hurrying to go home to their loved ones.. I love the sounds though it scares me at times.. Love the things which make me think of nothing.. I can just keep admiring them for what they are.. The night serenades me, cajoles me, little by little.. She keeps coming on accompanied by the moon.. the existence of one is not complete without the other.. I love the night and the moon.. She is always the same.. shall never change.. black, discrete, silent.. and the moon always alive, proud and smiling.. The night fills all the blank spaces of the world.. You see the spaces between trees, the buildings and even between people. The night fills all. But one thing it cannot fill with its darkness, the hearts.. The hearts which remain ever empty.. The lack of emotion, of love.. The biggest lacune of the world. I hope the night falls quickly now.. Even if it can't fill the hearts of people, even if I can't meet my love once again in this life.. I wish that night comes quickly. Hoping against all odds and nature that the night can fill the hearts of the world with all the love and care they desire n deserve.. One day maybe.. Till then let the night engulf me and let the black take me to my love..

There are times when there is so much burden on your heart, your mind, all your senses and your self which you can't carry even a centimeter furthur and all that you want to do is just let go and be stranded where you are, let d wind wash over you and wipe you away from the face of earth.. If you let go at that moment then you might not be able to get back and continue your journey again..
But then out of the purple you get this weird insane hope and strength and you do exactly the opposite and be firm, be strong and move millimeter by millimeter.. Once you put a leach around that self-inflicted hurdle of the uncontrolled desire, you can conquer any paramount..

The strong grip of emotions around your throat when letting go of someone who is a part of your being..
The feeling in your gut when you realise you let the opposition get past you and that they shall score only because of you..
The skipped heart beat when you just miss hitting the playing kid or the street-crossing granny..
The molten feeling in your stomach when you understand something you did in good faith went terrible wrong..
The silver beeds of sweat on your forehead when you've lived the worst nightmare you've ever had..
The smell of freshly baked cake by mom wafting in through the window of your rented room bringing with it the memories of your motherland, of your mom..

Moving on.. the most difficult of all the things to do.. Thats how people percieve it to be.. I'd beg to differ.. I used to believe that too, until I had a few of my eye-openers. It in fact isnt' all that difficult to move on. You shed a few tears on the thing which you lost, you open your eyes the next morning, you look at the sun shine down on you brightly bringing you a new gift wrapped in colorful butterflies and shinning rays and sparkling green dew drops.. You take a look at the gift and you think of the many possiblities of using this gift.. The gift of life, the new opportunity that you have. Which you wouldn't have had if you would still be holding on to the thing which flowed away with your tears, which you wiped off your eyes..
So moving on actually isn't that difficult. Learning to look at the positive side of the disaster might be, but it can be learnt. I guess as I did.. The very famous words stand tall and erect "When God closes a door, He open a window somewhere" Its upto us to make that window into a door. At the least you can use the window, else try find it, else atleast stop looking at the closed door! unless of course you want the window to be closed as well and let the darkness eat you up.. But that won't happen cause thats not what you are.. You do not give up, its not in the nature of any living being to give up! You have to move on and go on.. Cause that is what life means.. If you are alive you have to keep rolling.. Baby!! Go get it.. Move on.. Go on!! Breathe! Smile! Dance! Laugh! Run! Cry! Live. :-)

A Boon and a Bane, a Broken Cane, Shallow rain,
The excruciating Pain, all in Vain,
Nothing to Lose and much to Gain,
Again and again; My heart open is Lain,
All I feel is Insane,
Never was I a Plain Jane,
Played as I in d darkened Lane..
Watching through the light window Pane..
Waiting for my knight with a long Mane,
Would there be a day when I would be all Sane?
Or am I meant to be just this Insane Ane?


Friend Forever, Passionate Lover, Loving Mom, Doting Dad, Elder Sis, Honest Critic, Supporting Senior, Godly Mentor, Fun-loving Friend, Concerned Granny, Strict Granddad, Chilled out Aunt, Interested Uncle, Protective Bro, Helping Hands, Caring Hearts, Eyes Watching Out, Intense Relations, Delicate Threads, Fragile Emotions, Deep Bonds..
All of them are there, always there..
Yet the heart seeks something deeper, something unknown.. Is it there and still unseen? Do I have it and still knowingly or unknowingly I throw it away? Have I thrown it away? Heart wrenching thoughts come to haunt me again.. I don't understand the motive I had behind my own actions in the past..
How much ever I try to live in the present, I go back to the past.. Cause what I want is what I lost in the past.. My hands were full of it.. of the love, care, support, strength of the person who meant the world to me.. I threw away my world, wanting it to know of my need.. I threw it away without intending to do so. Even after hundreds of apologies to try and hold it up and safe, my world comes crashing down around me.. The world which anyone would lust for..
I could never dream of this day, not even think of it and it has arrived.. I've borne it from my own unsuspecting mouth and cruel, acid words.. it has taken roots and it continues its dead decayed dark journey with my being.. Haunting all my thoughts, reminding me of my deeds each passing moment, it doesn't reduce but increases with every regretful thought that blooms in my sick soul..
I continue to do so, unlearning from the past.. I cut away from people I want, in pursuit of wanting them to know my needs my desires, to be with them; I cut away..
I hurt them, I trod on their feelings, I shamelessly beg for their forgiveness..
I lay myself open before them.. yet again.. They've seen me without any of my rare masks..
They know the color of my soul, and they loved it, they wanted it.. they cared.. THEY CARED!
and yet I caused so much hurt that they have lost the ability to love it any more..
I try to give up and can't do that either.. Had never dreamt that a crack would grow this large that even my heart's cry won't reach out to her's..
What happens to all the promises and the confidence? Did I burn it all? Do I not get any consideration for the pain that I go through that they have not faced? And god forbid shall never have to face? Did I really cross the line? Do i always expect too much? Have I never given any consideration and then where do they disappear to when I do really need them and tell them so? Isn't a friend in need a friend indeed? Does this have conditions like if 7 out of 10 times the friend is there then he's eligible to be a true friend? if 5 out of 10 times he's there then he's eligible to be a good friend.. and so on? Is it so? Can i have an answer or can I have you back please? Do my tears mean nothing to you any more? I am sorry.. My soul-mate, my friend.. My best friend-since-school-days..

One fine evening,
I stand on the 9th balcony from the bottom..
Sipping on a cuppa granny's tea..
Wind blows through open morning-washed hair,
Caresses the sleep laden face..
I watch the children play in d blue pool, in water warmed by their own pee..
The kulfi-wala passes by, his patent bell ringing away, alluring kids to his pseudo sweetness..
Buses, rickshaws, bikes and cars hurry past, eager to reach somewhere, eager to get away from somewhere..
Only the sounds fall on my desperate ears..
and soothe me.. reassure me..
Birds twitter in the distance, welcoming a balmy evening,
a solace from the day's heat, heart broken due to the rain's fake promise,
hoping for a true one for tomorrow..
And suddenly a pigeon feather floats in front of me.. on the 9th balcony from the bottom..
I watch its lazy and at times agile course, frozen and stunned as I am.. for no reason..
a slow smile appears on my face..
I feel this pure and true feeling after ages.
Fail to remember the last time I felt my facial muscle do it so naturally, it relaxes me..
and I fail to understand yet again, why is that it has to be followed by the wetness that I feel in my eyes now?
The pool is empty now,
Tea still warm,
My head feels light,
I'm free.. and I feel like narrating it to you!

WIP (Work in process) and RIP (Rest in peace)
I shall always be a WIP, till I RIP.. If at all i do! But I doubt there will be peace with all those cogs working on me all the time, that even when the body shall become a mere lifeless shell, the work on the soul and its effects shall continue.
Or is it that they all work in peace? Maybe they do, but they leave me restless..
The seed shall always be a work in process and continue the journey from shell to shell,
at times remembering the previous work, at times have pseudo memory loss about the past processes..
The journey continues through life and through death.. never ending like a close loop which keeps changing..
Emancipation is life a distant dream,
The wanting for which is yet unknown..

Does wanting ever end? Wanting, craving, longing for all the "things".. They say when you stop wanting, you are satisfied, they say when you stop wanting things, you want emancipation.. But then isn't that a wanting too? So do we really stop wanting? And if we do, they why do we still stay alive? Isn't the search for all the answers about who am "I", what is the "I", a want in itself? The people give up the material or worldly things and desires, what do they do? Do they not want anything? Then why do the chant mantras, and why do they walk and talk and eat and sleep and breathe? They do want something.. If they say not wanting anything is the ultimate goal and satisfaction, and if they say that after you are satisfied, you will not want anymore, then are they not wanting the state of "not to want anything"? Then why do they still exist? shouldn't they be dead? Does the wanting really stop for anyone? and if it does then how and why?

(My sincere apologies to all those who can't make sense of this post, its in Marathi. there was no way of expressing all this in english).

Today morning I felt alive. I could connect to every person I saw on the road while riding my bike on the way to college. It takes me 15-20 mins to reach college, today was no different.. Except for a few things.. Aaj pratyekacha ek aunsh majhyat ani majha pratekat ahe asa mala vatat hota. I could literally feel myself in every being and a bit of every being in me.. Gadi varun jatana patkan aplya priyakaracha muka ghenari priyasi.. Aplya taklavar ugavlele thodese kes nirkhun baghnara ek tarun, ani tevdhyat signal sutato.. Reverse janara truck, tyatla na dislela driver, tya mule udnari dhool.. ek navin lagna jhalela jodpa. tichya chehrya varcha te lajra hasu ani tyachya dolyatli chamak. konachya tari lagnacha band, tya mule traslela pan tari tithech ubha rahaychi iccha aslela ek lahan mulga. mala cut marun kahitari pratikriya expect karnare don tarun. dokyavar panyachi ghagar gheun chukichya dishekade baghun, majhya gadi khali yeta-yeta vachleli ek bai. lal ribbons ni bandhlelya don venya ani galyat ek lal kapad odhani mhanun gheun baher khelayla nighaleli tarunpanchya umbarthyavar asleli ek mulgi. rastyajaval gaadi dhutlyamule saathlelya dabkyat dhumbnari dukrachi pille. gaadi valavtana jorat rasta cross karnarya duchaki valyala shivya ghalnara ek six seater wala. constipation jhalay ani toilet milat nai ase expression gheun bus chi vaat baghat ubha aslela ek tarun. ase kahi ani ase ajun kahi mala agdi aplese vatle.. manje apan ahot ase vatle. majha ek aunsh tya sarvan madhe ani tya pratyetkacha ek-ek aunsh majhya madhe.. te sarva purna ani mi, sampurna.. jivanta..

Why is the sky blue and the ocean too? Why is the sky black at night and at the dawn as well? Why do we fall in love to be happy even when we know it hurts like hell? Why is the rainbow so colorful but the rain so dark? Why do the moods swing so badly, n why doesn't the swing break then? Why do you desire for things and when you get them you want to lose them asap? Why do people stay when they have already walked away, and why do they come back when you feel they are not there any more? Why are there twisted tunnels which turn everywhere, small and big, dark and bright, but lead at the same place always? Why are they so many of them and so different too, with the same aim of crushing your heart and sucking up your love? Why can't you have everything and anything you want and keep everyone happy as well? Why do so many why's exists and at times there is not a single one? Why is why a question and why should it always have an answer if it should? Why do we don't accept things we know and which we know are right? Why don't others do the same? Why can't caterpillars fly? Why do they have to become a butterfly? Why is the why so helpful and many a times so painful? Why can't I remember all that I had on my mind to write here? Why do I get lost? Why do I find myself back after getting lost? Why are there blanks? Why do they get filled and then why do they become blank again? Why do I always have something more to say and yet can't find words? Why does the why exist? Why did they create it? Why Why Why?