The Soulful Atom

The cold winter mornings.. The warm bed and the cozy blanket.. The struggle to get out of the warmth and step on to the chilly floor.. But as the chill slowly adjusts to the body.. The eyes search for an open pane, wanting to peek on the world outside, trying to break-free of the dreamland.. and there the sun, ever so magestic stand tall, braving the cold winter winds.. Involuntarily my lips smile as they drink in his wintry warmth.. As they waited all night, fighting the cold away.. just to live this moment..

Just as we do many times, unknowingly though. Fighting all the pains and all the tears that accompany them.. Waiting for the moment when the involuntarly smile will appear.. Waiting for the sunny love, which would take the cold pain away.. The winter which we bravely fought, only to get to the safety of the sun.. The warmth which keeps us alive and ignited.. The sun which would dry all the cold tears, and melt away all the splinters from our hearts.. The sun which would bind our broken hearts and not burn away all the marks forever..

The feel of the warm rays on the skin when you get out of the shadows, brings with it the longing to stay with him all through the day.. To let him make love to you till the azure sky can hold him no more..

Braving the cold winter, just for a peek at the glowing wintry sun.. Weak at times, Shadowed by the occasional white puffs of clouds, but always there, only for You.. :) Reminding me of you.. :)

[not properly formed, just put the thoughts as they crowded in the little brain ;)]

For My Dear GSD,

Its you.. Its all you.. and its all yours!
Whenever sorrow and lonliness try to engulf me in their cold arms,
The thought of your warmth drives away d demons..
The look in your eyes when you see me,
The butterflies in the stomach at your touch.. even at the thought of you and your touch..
So difficult to shake off the longing to be in the heaven of your arms again..
The longing feels like paradise itself..
The whole world feels like an illusion which carries me away with it, but your thoughts and your being in my life bring me back to life..
You are so itched on my soul..
So simple and yet so great, or maybe the simplicity makes it worth..
The unmatched intensity which you exhibit, ever so tenderly..
The love- so unbearable, and yet i can't get enough!
Its all you.. written all over me..
What is it that you do to me? I fail to understand and yet i do not wish to understand..
The world seems a happier colorful place with you around..
Your thought brighten up my days and my heart glows from the memories..
Though we are unaware of what this is..
Though we feel it is strange and weird..
Though its unclassifiable as the supposedly greatest emotion on earth..
Though there are so many "ifs", "buts" n "thoughs"..
I know you are there.. Always.. And you know I'm there always..
Being each others and yet apart..
The undying trust, the deep faith and the everlasting belief..
Your eyes promise me my place in them forever, i hope mine tell you the same..
The scarce passionate meets, blow me away..
I get caught up in the frenzy and you still shower me with your all-consuming love!
Till i can think no more..
Your eyes and your face get me going all over again..
The taste stays long after, It brings a much wanted bitter sweet pain..
Your feel lingers, your thoughts are a constant warm trusting companion..
Untill the next rendez-vous.. You stay with me now and always..
Its you.. Its all you.. and its all yours!
Somethings are just meant to be, and one of them is you and me!

Yours only,
Super Bitch. :)

Bored, scared, insecure, unsure.. Why?!?! Imagination can be a curse n a boon at the same time! Curse when you start imagining thing which really bother you, and thats all your mind is full of! So the pseudo emptiness.. no thoughts of things which are ought to be done.. rather mind is full of things which are a hinderance.. Fighting off the demons.. Need to fill my mind with things which actually have some meaning.. unsure of what to write, since nothing concrete is going on! other than a bleak hope of having things to do sometime after exams.. The constant need to be surrounded by friends.. to be out in the open.. Nothing to write about.. Emptiness cannot be handled.. books help quite a bit.. waiting for the trance to be lifted! wanting to be my old self.. getting back to the groove.. slowly but surely.. oh the emptiness..

On my way to college this morning, trying hard to dodge the meandering un-caring inhabitants of Upper-indira nagar, a little girl of 5 or 6 crossed the road and i was well away from her. The route was deserted for a minute piece of a minute, (a very rare phenomenon considering the kind of creatures that inhibit the area), and i ceased the chance to speed up a bit to gain yardage. And as i did that, i noticed there was a small boy with here, the same age presumably. He too was trying to cross the road close behind her. But due to my intervention, he was unable to do this! I felt sad but thought he would cross it after i passed, but unfortunately a load of vehicles followed me. I saw these emotions flash through his eyes in a jiffy. Fear, tension, longing, amazement, embarassement.. All these while he grasped the incident that just happened. She was with him till they left feom home to go to school, and suddenly at one moment she went ahead and crossed the road, she walked away and didn't even look back to check if he was there. Perhaps she had no doubt that he would follow or he would always be there.
This incident made me think about two things..

Firstly, Knowingly or unknowingly we are catalyst in so many things happening around us in the world. Like what happened with those kids on the road back there. (I hope he managed to cross the road, and that they both reached their destination together :)) We are carrying on our work and daily routine activities, but rarely do we stop and try to see what effect our banal actions have on our surroundings. Leave alone the strangers, we do not even wait for a moment and think of what our words do to people who are close to us, who supposedly mean a lot to us. We just take things for granted. We act as if we are the only person in the world who feels things, who has emotions. (Atleast i tend to do that at times). And in turn we suffer because the people we love suffer! It just takes a moment to stop and look back at life or at the moments gone past. Take a second to tell the people you love, that you love them. Take a minute to look at how our actions are affecting the environment. How our daily routine cause a hurdle to others.. at times.. It may not seem like a big deal to us.. but it does affect them in a big way.

Secondly, About relationships. Both the things are connected. and this might be a corollary to the first realisation. Like the girl on the road didn't even realise that the boy had not followed her. Many times we fail to realise that some people have not folllowed us for a while, because we take them for granted, we take life for granted. Many times it is because of external un-avoidable reasons that the are not with us (here the factor was me). But many times it happnens that we fail to know that we are causing them pain. Many times we do not even realise when they've gone n came back. Cause we are too busy to see, to stop, to watch, to know and to understand..

It was so strange to watch both of them on the road. It was as if we three were the only people there. They were a girl and boy together and me- the catalyst who had a small part to play in their story. We all have a part in everyone's story. However negligible. Watching our actions is necessary.. Having consideration for others, for all the people who give us a part in their story on this earth. I feel bad that I did not wait for a moment and let the boy pass too.. Had i been vigilent, I would've seen him before i sped up. But i was in my own world, surrounded by my own worries.. So is everyone of us.. But we should try to be alert and make sure we are catalyst for more good things than bad in other people's life. I always did but now I'm going to try to strive more to not be a routine hurdle.. :) I hope the girl and boy are together now.. God Bless!

There is a plethora of thoughts, a sulprus of emotions. A few match a few do not. So many people, so many friends, so many relatives. Why does it become a pain in the wrong place when a few do not match? Why do people come close stay for a while when they are actually meant to go away. Why do we crave for the things which we were running away from, when its not there any more? Why is there the restlessness, when you understand you don't really want to possess it but you do want it? Why do you get attached? Why do people come in your life and then storm out of it as if nothing happened? Confusion prevail as always but so does clarity! Questions arise with answers, but no peace. Why do people change and why are emtions fickle. I shall change too, I do. I shall change now, they way i want and not the way time wants me to. I shall be constant, i shall strive hard. Indifference begs to crawl in, but it shall not be allowed in. This disturbed dawn shall remind me of it everytime. This lost friend will be back, from the ruins of my past and the threads of this disturbed dawn..

Red socks
Orange candy
Salty water from eyes
An old note passed in class
Helplessness
Insect-s on screen
White fluffly rabit like chappals
Ear phones
Gulab-jamun
Long black hair
Maroon t-shirt
A long forgotten fragrance
Slides in parks
SMS
Late night calls
First kiss
Long holidays which end too soon ;)
Google-talk
Maggie
6AM- getting ready for school
Itchy sand in shoes
A long lost friend
Box of souvenirs
French and Marathi songs
Mom's cuddling :)
Diwali morning
Fresh flowers
Home-baked cake!!
Long painted clean nails which stand the test of roughness
Christmas Carols
Rugby training
Sore muscles
Lonliness
Christmas eve
Deep dark eyes
Butterflies in stomach
Shendi ;)
Mood-i
Lover's warm pullover
First rain
Black
Transparent basin
Red sand
Smell of new furniture and paint
Radium shapes
Garfield!
Reliance
PIFF 2007
DOGS
love..
Mirror?
Planes and pilots
Himachal
80kmph
Mahableshwar
Daily horoscope- pune times
Pulsar..
Loss
Pocket money
Marksheets
CBZ
Broken hearts :(
Caramel pudding :D
Best friend-s
PJ
Pra
Bug
Chichi
Bandu
Sukanya
Pseudo
Don
HAHAHA
Coffee
Pearls before Swine!! :D :D :D
Diamonds
Joymail
Trust
Princess
Oysters
Old monk
Harry potter
Classic milds
Table-tennis, Karate, Katthak
Prayer
Caterpillars and butterflies
Long distances :(
Betrayal
Tea
Forgivance
Empty afternoon streets
Cycle rides and skinned sore knees
Cute strangers ;)
Stolen memories
Dressing up (!)
Beer!
Staring at the ceiling
Jogging
Peace
Water
Sleep
"Start" button
Baldness :D
Wind
Winter
Soft sweaters
Jokes
Hangovers
Random?

Feeling like a puppet..
At the hands of the heart,
At the hands of all the people known, all the souls past..
Emotions which are either riding a roller-coaster or are playing deaf and dumb underwater..
With past memories floating through the ears and making their presence felt of the blank curtains of the eyes..
The heart churns out forgiveness but the defaulters couldn't care less..
All the color and light around helps not the darkness gulping the heart..
Faces dear yesterday blankly ignore your eye today..
Making them fill with tears and reminding you of all your fears..
Wishing for a saviour.. Waiting, hoping against hope..
Losing the challenge with life, who conspires with destiny,
Like a juvenile naive fool striding across all the known frontiers again and again..
Learning the lessons yet not learning from them..
Tears abound and yet eyes remain dry,
The soul cries out, helpless as always, but the ears are all deaf and dead..
No eyes can see the signs, no skin can feel the pain, No heart can sense the agony..
Other than the one that suffers..
Glassy, stoney, empty, hard and cold..
Reaching out doesn't help..
Hope plays the same role as ever- it lies, it fakes and it cons, it betrays and it weaves new dreams again..
It ensnares and it enchants.. and it captures the prey forever..
It makes you forgive, it makes you love, it makes you go back and it makes you bare all..
It makes you naked with all your masks down..
It helps you live the way you really are..
A puppet... At the hands of the things you really want..
A puppet at the hands of hope..
Is there a way out? Somewhere? A way out of hope??
It hurts..
Bad.
-A puppet