The Soulful Atom

A time comes when everything seems to be perfectly alright. Everything falls in place, work, love, family, friends, the self too. But then as said before what is life if its perfect and so without any reason, this feeling comes to haunt you. A feeling of moss covered nostalgia, dark despair, piercing loneliness, and screaming frustration which wrecks havoc on each and every inch of you, inside and outside.
No amount of will power to stay calm and composed can't help you stop drifting away from your aim and jumping to conclusion or exaggerating trivial issue.. The insides were sreaming in protest and the outside world was facing the consequences of the self made hurricane.. you try to vent it out, but its as sticky as cotton wool on hands coated with glue, can't shake it off so easily.. The feeling has to stay cause it has to disrupt the illusion of a perfect life that you are going through. The more you try to push it aside, take it out, throw it away, the more it clings on to you, it becomes a parasite. Sucking away at the all the rotten things you feel and at those which it injects into you.. It becomes a vicious cycle and it goes on burning every trace of perfection.. This twisted weirdness knows not where to stop and hence you are the one who has to get a grip and wash it all away. It takes a few seconds at times and at times it stays on for long.. But mostly if ebbs away once its aim is fulfilled and it won't do much harm unless you let it carry on.. Once you manage to convince it that the damage it has caused is enough for life to go on, then you can safely assume that this twisted weirdness will sit back and you get to work like its slave, to keep it happy with a few imperfections here and a few there, so that it doesn't attack you again.
Though at times you get carried away with your perfections and this little weirdness has no option than to hit you back to your senses again.. All it does is try to keep you in the race, to keep you alive.. And here I go blaming it for my mood swings and all the bad things! So next time you are low think bout this twisted weirdness and thank it for the fortune it has in store for you!

What is it that I need and what is it that I ask for? What do all these questions mean? And do the answers even exist? I'm so bored and tired of the same cycle again and again! Doesn't everyone deserve a change? Doesn't everyone want a change? and then why don't they change? Don't people get bored of pretending and lying and why don't they change then? If change is not constant would it not become stagnant? But if change doesn't change, it would be the same change! But if change changes it would change to the opposite that is not same as change!! So should it or should it not change?

Oh how happy and relieved these few lines make me! I've finally been able to put my views about change in a much resolved manner than how they were in my brain.. Though theres lots more to it.. This much is enough for the time being. Wonder if anyone could enlighten me a bit more about what I have just puked on these virtual pages! I know its a pretty dark shade, but its very colorful too if you know how to see! ;-) or shall I say if you can see my way, where I'm pointing towards.. cheers!!

A friend termed it as a piece of philosophy. All of us sometime or the other in our lives go through, are worried about, enjoy, hate being in, stay away, want to have etc. relationships.. so here it is.. A small pinch of philosophy for everyone to ruminate on..
Tackling a huge load of some very light cloth, to be wrapped on the college railings, a friend trying to help me with no good luck, I suddenly face a tangle of the cloth..
The cloth itself being around 50 metres in length, one can imagine the depth of the tangle..
I struggle with the knots.. The friends suggests "cut it off" I stop her harshly and continue my stuggle single handedly with the long cloth..
Just when the friend is losing her patience, for no good reason, in a flash the knots untangle and the cloth is free of all complications.. and I continue my work with ease and harmony with the cloth..
"The same thing happens with relationships, we think they won't work any more and we try to shake them off, cut them away, crush them.. But then later on after having lost everything dear to us, we realise that if only we had held on for some more and tried a bit more, everything would be fine and they would live in harmony..."

Black is the core of the ocean blue,
Black is spread out above us in the sky so clear,
It has no lover and no brother..
Black is the color I wear,
Black is the color I see,
Black is the color of my thoughts and black is me..
It is the one and only leveler, black is life and black is death..
Black is my heart and black is the love that is has for you..
Black is god n black is the devil,
Black is sorrow and black is the joy that rips my heart and I can't contain any more,
The black spills out and spreads all around,
Dances in and out and takes me for a round..
Black is the air that I breathe and black is the universe that revolves around me!
And if you could find me a color deeper than this then that would be Me!!

-Prachi J.

Hurt.. Hurt? How does it feel? Like pinpricks in your eye, or a hammer on your chest, acid in your throat? A clogged vein or a blocked brain, needles in your heart, when you really need to but can't fart? a broken glass in the underside of your foot, water in your nostrils and yet you try to breath..? Gulping crushed glass, sitting on rusted nails, insect in the eye.. Getting your limbs amputated by a saw.. Breaking your head on the cold cruel ice.. Bleeding yourself to death.. Cutting parts of yourself and throwing the pieces for the fish to have for dinner... What does hurt feel like? Is it all this? Or is it simply when some one says good bye?

A few more blank spaces..
I filled some and they created some more..
Beweildered I look back on the moments flown past,
But lost as always I found nothing unusual in those irregularities..
Haplessly I trudge along,
Pushing and panting, searching for a way,
On the path of smooth and shiny uneveness.
Nothing seems to bother the hurricane in my brain..
He lives on all emancipating silent strength,
All through the turmoil, he has to bear all my efforts to satiate him, to calm him,
But he doesn't budge a bit!
He carries on stubborn and unrelenting..
Confounding me with a power heitherto unexperienced..
Bringing to me a light unbearlably unseen..
I bow my head in gratification with a degree of defeat,
I needlessly entrust him with the right to command my soul,
I confer upon him the title of my Master.
And then he creates yet some more blanks spaces,
For me to fill, along with him..
Another master and a new love..
And a few more blank spaces..

- Prachi J.

Three months and 14 days! Phew!! Not quite a long chunk of time and yet it seems like ages! May be this quality of time of seeming to be more in quantity than it actually is, is owing to the quality of time that we have spent. Ahh confusing isn't it? Lets see. Since July there has been so much happening that I haven't come to know how these three months have flown by. Thanks to the post graduation schedule.. They have been a good three months of 70% pseudo hard work and a 30 of genuine. Though the pseudo took up much of the time and energy so it will be unfair to call it pseudo! :-) :-)Looking back on the self that I was when I wrote the last post, I seem to have come a quite long way. It seems pretty far in the past but its unlike the past which gives you the feeling of just having stepped into the past. Letting go has become a habit and yet there is not getting used to it. How much ever you try you cannot shake of things people and feelings that you get used to liking and having around you.. So letting go is indeen a herculean task be it for any living or dead thing having a connection with you. Yet it seems as if I've managed to surmount this difficult task which is as vital as emptying you bowels, and make it as easy a chore as brushing your teeth.. After all you do empty your heart when you let go, and it is NOT as easy as emptying you bowels, on the contrary its more like you heart is constipated. Constipation hurts a lot is not good and neither is it good if your heart goes through desentry! Mine seems to be the latter.

So yes that means that I've been able to let go, perphaps I should thank the gruelling schedule of my new abode of knowledge and the specific teacher who has made the schedule that way, I wonder if even in his wildest dreams had he dreamt that his idea would help a student of him in this way.. ;-) I also wonder if it shall be possible for my little brain to take any more academic torture due to the acts of the same professor..

A little help in the form of moral support could do the trick. Its safe to say that some things in the past, experiences undergone have made me bias about the relation I share with person from whom the “moral support” comes. It would be wise to be honest and accept that no experiences, people and things bear any relation with the bias I hold about having the moral support from a certain specific person who has a different place in my life. That space which needs to be filled, which I try to fill forcefully at times, that I’ve tried to fill every time life presented me with a new option, or I thought it was an option. I still continue to think that every new factor that enters the machine of my life is the nut which can fill in the blank space.. That one blank space. An life would be complete. But what would be the meaning of life if it would be completed, wouldn’t it mean the end? Life is still alive because it is incomplete; it is death which is completion, of anything or any being. For anything to be perfect, all ingredients have to be there in the right amount, imperfection is one of the very important ingredients, and so what is perfection without a dash of imperfection? So let us enjoy the incompleteness and imperfection.. The blank spaces.. :-) Cheers!

"If life is fair to everyone every time, it shall cease to exist"

"Life is all a long dream, death is but the awakening"

- Prachi J

(The second one might have been discovered before by someone else, it just struck me in class one day so put it here. The first one is entirely my creation)

Would the crystalline blue, falling out of the heavens, prick me in the eye, pierce me with agony and wash me out of existence?
Would it bless my soul with peace and serenity?

Would the ever green shade shelter me again?
Would it feed me to the famished creatures of my fears this time?

Would the red liquid rushing from the excruciating wounds behave itself later, if now I swallow it?
Would it cease to exist if I hold on? Would it thrive if I let go?

A blinding short-lived light of insane hope awakens me for an unfortunate instance, tricks me in believing my wishes would come true,
My wishes would defeat my dreams.
My infinite dreams made of nightmares whose jagged unmerciful claws still clutch me close to their wicked cold empty heart, present me to the ghosts of a dead past worth decay.

Burnt by the heat of love, stabbed by the ogle of lust, crushed beneath the saddle of ignorance..

Would it be like my wishes later, if I let the demons decide the fate of my vulnerable soul for now?
Should I let them be my masters? The ruse of humanity, the farces of friendship and the masquerade of love..

Would it be like I want it to be, if I do what they ask me to?
Would it be?

It feels a bit incomplete but everything went blank after this. Its as lost and confused as me! So voila!