The Soulful Atom

This one was written one drunk night as i sat in the bar waiting for my friend to get done with his shift. Some words stumbled around on my lips and in a frantic attempt to jot them down i used some damp paper napkins.. What surprised me is that the next morning i found them and the words all made sense! Though i wanted to weave something more around it, I'm just leaving the major part of it as it was. Have added a little bit towards the end. ;)

She pretended as if it didn't offend her that he courted them. She knew it was a habit. Its been aeons, she has known him for so long and yet it bothered her. She dressed her best, she carried herself elegantly. And yet this wasn't the Reha he had fallen for. That Reha was clumsy, reckless, with a couldn't care less attitude, fun loving, crazy, mad, kind hearted, scraped kneed and bright eyed. She lightly thought back to the time their eyes used to meet so often, across the college hallways, across meeting rooms. The way his eyes held hers- a gentle caress and a wild storm all at once. The way he kept his eyes lock on her, unabashedly. A fake tinkle of laughter pulled her back to the bar that they were in. It made no sense to dvele on the past when he was around, every moment with him counted. Even if it was someone else's arms around his neck. She knew what aroused him, and when he went out like that with other women it ripped her apart. She saw them all, one by one getting attracted to him for what he showed himself to be. Then the facade dropped, she jumped around drunk, high on the very alcohol he craved. When did they begin craving different things? It was always beer that he craved for, and so did she. It was their common love as were words. They loved words, a lot! It bonded them together. It was their haven. The music meant nothing to her and at times it meant the world to them. Now it was all about the loud fucking music! He didn't even care about it, she knew. She could see him flinch each time the music flipped up a notch, and yet he was determined on giving the music all his attention. He couldn't care less about her. The way she dressed, the way she spoke or the way she carried herself. Now it was all about what it took for him to ignore her. She would do all and he would refuse to accept her. All of this was carefully observed by the lusty eyes of the patrons of the club who were regulars there. He noticed that too but didn't care. Let them lust after her all they want, he thought. But why, the question remained unanswered. Its been years, he just refused to answer. They'd known each other since college and yet this impasse. Did he change somewhere back then itself, or was it along the way somewhere. But when and why, was it something she did? Or was it someone or something else? When and how did it happen that she didn't notice it happening, that it all started falling apart. There must've been signs.. Did she ignore them like he is now ignoring her? That they unknowingly decided this is the way it ought to be- dysfunctional? What did dysfunctional even mean? She was starting to know now, but he already knew. She somehow soaked it all in. She knew he knew it and he was now used to it. Dysfunctional, thats what it was.
The rings on her fingers that glittered like the sweat beads on her forehead, the shiny body hugging dress that she wore, the high heels, the light make-up, cause she was never into being fake, the smile on her lips, that she had learnt forcefully to maintain, it all felt like a unbearably large multi-headed vulture bearing down on her. She felt like stripping there and then. Of her clothes, her smile, her skin, her identity. She felt lost amongst the squeals of laughter from his newest preys. Sometimes they cast a wary look at her, but she would pretend to be lost in her own world and they would be reassured that she was not a threat to their perfectly patched up masks. They got attracted to him like moth to flame. And why not, he was charming. He wasn't the good looking kind at all. But there was this aura around him, that you would keep staring. She remembered the first time she saw him. His friend was cuter than him, and yet she had found herself staring at him in the hallway where they all waited for classes to begin. So here he was still the same and yet not. Something had changed inside him. She didn't know if the old him was still in there somewhere or if he crushed him out. Knowing him, anything was possible. But was it possible for someone to change their very core? Was it possible that anything could indeed happen? And if it did was it possible that he would go back to his old self? With a flicker of hope she looked up at him from her drink of vodka lime and soda, only to be struck full in the face with blow that hit like a physical punch- his tongue in her mouth.. She was reeling from the blow.. She didn't know if she was numb or if her mind was racing, if she downed the drink or if it spilled over. She just remembered one thing- His eyes never closed now..

She knew she was a misfit
From the get go
She did want the dolls but never felt much interested in them
She prefered disecting dead animals, and scraping her knees on the bicycle
She wanted the guys too later but even then was left wanting something else
Exploring the untouched was a bigger thrill for her
She could see the crowd and where they were going
She could pretend to fit in but never wanted to
She was always a misfit!
She never belonged. She clipped her own wings, and she wistfully watched the tiny pretty birds flutter by.
It wasn't asked of her neither was it needed but she still did it..
She refused the endless skies and chose to remain rooted.
She was a dragon, the one with her wings clipped and her fires choked.
The sparks flew out from time to time, but the fire inside was so strong that they burnt her from within each time..
She was a misfit
But she kept going.. Being who she was..

There was an ache that started at her loins and ended at the heart..
There was another that started at the heart and ended at the loins..
She was yet to come across one that would never end..

These hurdles i was supposed to jump.
Each and every one of them.
Occasionally romance one maybe.
But by and large each one was to be jumped.
It was meant to be a race probably..
And racing I am.. Only that i am sitting down on the ground..
Romancing one right now..
I don't jump them, i tackle them and get down with them..
With each one.
The temptation is irresistible..
Or maybe it is not..
Maybe i just want to do it.
Its not cause there is no strength in my legs to jump them..
Oh no, the legs are very strong alright..
Its just that i don't want to go ahead and look back to think how the mud would've tasted had i fallen down there..
And so i do..
Who knows what the prize is at the end?
Maybe there is something maybe not..
Racing i am, at my own pace
Though some would say I'm going too fast with the falling!
And not fast enough with the skipping.. :)
But then so be it.. Better to fall than to keep looking back and regretting.
While i am at it, let me enjoy my current hurdle :D cheers!

There are hooks of all kinds..
I feel them deep in the flesh..
Some gorging on the flesh of my body
Some hanging off the flesh of my soul
Some have left long ago and yet their shadows linger as strongly as their vice like grip
They grab and clutch and never let go..
They trap me back in their grasp
They plunge me back into the wet darkness of their needs..
Perhaps needs which were my own..
Or is it their unfulfilled desire?
They pull me back into a deep bottomless vortex nonetheless..
Where all semblance of sunshine disappears
And the walls of thick smoke close in..
Filling my lungs, throat and eyes..
The brains numbs and the glitter tinkles away..
Blinded and parched i stumble around
It becomes a physical reality than the spring in the air.
The fight inside slowly awakens..
The desire to live surmounting all else..
The hooks will let go slows, perhaps leave some deep scars..
Trophies of a life lived..
Of love given..
Hooks are meant for life.. once you let them in..

You will accept me, wont you?
I will walk on your streets
Lanes and by lanes
I will explore your nook and cranny
I have cried and I've laughed, right here in your arms
You will accept me as one of your own, wont you?
I look out the window and I find you a little closer to me than you were yesterday
I feel your concrete structures offer me solace as tear races after tear in a frantic attempt to reach my lap..
Your deep blue sky peeps in too.. Looks a bit worried to me..
I see your darkened corners..
And mud laden trees..
They try on wrinkled smiles.. Aged before their time had come..
Their young hearts trying to find something to help them break free..
So much like me..
I will find your heart... You have already inched closer to mine..
Will you accept me then when I let you in completely?

Its been Karna. For me. Always. For all the reasons that he was himself. And for all that he did being himself! He knew right from the get go. He knew what he was doing and why. He knew the right apart from the wrong. And he made his choices nonetheless for his reasons. There could've been guilt but he was aware of that too! Could he have chosen better? Perhaps, but he knew that too! He never wavered. He was broken, exhausted, taken advantage of and what not! but he stood his ground. I love him for who he is. I say is cause he lives on.. Karna for me, always. :)