The Soulful Atom

Whisky glazed like honeyed almonds Rum soaked like raisins in a christmas cake Vodka spiked like the stars sparkling overhead Beer frothed like giggles in the bright summer sun Gin invigorated like a teenagers carefree laugh Champagne glittered like a Cullian on her crown Wine cajoled like a silken scarf on a slender neck Memories all of them. And they come back Time and again when the moment is right Very opportunistic these memories I tell you.

The day slowly calls its a night.. As the evening light slowly creeps around me Slowly it gathers its brilliant robes, painting itself away.. Making way for darkness to fill the empty room. The leaves are still today, as if they know something. Its not the calm before a storm but a calm of knowing, the calm of reassurance. The light and dark and enmeshed now. Impossible to tell one from the other. The moment when you can't make up your mind if you need to turn on the lights, or leave them be. This dance of theirs, a daily phenomenon But a routine like today is a thing to behold. When the soul feels awake The way it is starting to feel like with you, a becoming

I've begun. Many times before. To let go.. Here today, on your first death anniversary, I begin again (you would've loved this reference). Its a middle somewhere, of my many beginnings.. This letting go isn't, however, as the ones I've tried before, where a little bit of hope always lingered. You will always be an important part of me, i did put you on the pedestal back then and never ever did i removed you from there.. I will check back on you from time to time. When the sky looks particularly pretty or when the raindrops ease into a quiet peaceful rythm.. (How desperately you wanted peace, and how vehemently i snatched it away from you, until the very end..) But i will not hold on tightly now, nor look for you in every bald head or every whiff of polo black.. I'm letting go of your active fragments.. A tear may escape if i'm caught off guard once a while.. But the fragments won't pierce my very soul anymore, they have now quietened, ensconced deep inside somewhere and i shall let them rest, covered in the warm blanket of all the things that joined us and the universe.. They shall rest there, as will you- here and elsewhere.. My sweet bull. It was always a declaration- until the very end. #Always.

Time doesn't erase it. It just covers it up. Dulls the pain. But its still there. something felt deeply and purely never leaves you. because it was born of you, it is a part of you. like an old man's knees in winter. It still stays, creeking and not really crumbling. Sometimes time makes us forget the exact cause but the pangs do come back often. Calling from deep deep within. Like a voice calling from the depths of a forgotten well.

To be able to speak in analogies and some times not needing to even speak at all. To be able to speak in all tongues, about all topics. To understand the written word and the emotions n thoughts behind those and to get replies in poems. Handwritten letters and emails.. To be unashamedly bare and transparent.. I wonder if it indeed in once in a lifetime.

Do you ever have this deep dull ache in your heart. As if a deep longing for something? Not the excited kind but the one that can wait for centuries. Steady, unmoving.

Death is so final. No matter how much you see, hear, talk, think, learn, explore, prepare about life and death, you are never equipped enough to handle the blow when it actually falls. A finality like death, the person just vanishes just like that. And you are left to wrap your head around it. Young sudden deaths are the most unfair. All you can do is say "its not done" and ask "why?". You keep asking it, keep yelling and as the answer you will get a loud resounding silence. The pain never goes away. We just learn to make it a part of our hearts. Like a thorn stuck in flesh and skin grown over it. We learn to live with it, or atleast keep trying. The pain also becomes a memory of the person. So dearly loved. Lost but never so.. All that is left to us is to believe.