The Soulful Atom

Expectations versus reality. The war continues. This time however it was conducive in my favor. Having taken many big decisions in the past couple of years, this one was the biggest- Moving out, and that too to a completely new city halfway across the country! Its not like I haven't lived away from home, but shifting entirely- The very first! So there was a lot of apprehension, naturally, and even more so given where i was shifting to! The capital and nearby areas are not quite well known for being great places to live in, specially for women. And so as i voiced my decision to move exactly there, there was a downpour of shocked reactions. People started off telling me not to shift at all, family and friends alike, and wondered aloud why it has come down to moving right there! Of course all of it was out of concern, though it irked me a little. But none of this bogged me down since i was sure of my decision. Slowly people started accepting it and then came the experience sharing, most of it, rather all of it, being unpleasant.. In the beginning i was quite irritated, though i knew the root of their opinions, being aware of all the news that floated about constantly about that region. Then, i too started just hearing people out, since all the advice was for my well-being. Though they accepted my decision eventually, though a bit reluctantly, and i'm sure if i had dropped the plans all of my world would have been happy.
I have never even visited the capital let alone stayed and experienced it before. So i had created a picture of it based on all these inputs i got from people and the news that keeps coming in relentlessly. I was prepared for the worst. Taking all the precautions and imagining what i would do if any adverse situations did pop up! And then the day finally dawned. I was excited to explore living alone on my own, away from the cozy comfort, love and care of all my close ones..
I know some people staying here, friends and some family friends too, so it is a bit of relief. As i start to go out and see places i realize its not as bad as i had imagined it to be. Of course its not as good as back home, and there is a lot of need to take extra precautions and to be extra alert all the time.
Friends helped me find a place to move in, shared with two other girls. I've set up the room, and the first time ever in life i have flatmates! Its interesting and exciting to experience all this. The girls seem alright and its basically exactly like i wanted a place to be. So far so good. There is still a lot of time to experience a lot of things and i'm yet to see and explore the entire place. Friends have been a huge help and are always there to help out in any case. I'm glad to have such people around. Guess some good deeds from sometime are paying off. Technology too is a huge aide- be it keeping in touch with all with updates or checking maps to ensure the auto is going the right way!
So far what i have experienced has confirmed my belief that we need to see stuff for ourselves and not just go with people's opinion of things. It applies to something as small as a movie to something as big as an entire city. Since they have views, expectations and experiences of their own which shapes how they see something (perspective!). It needn't mean i have the same. Though all the advice stays with me and helps me become more prudent.
So yeah when reality is a notch better than expectations its a bit heartening and give hopes. And what do we have to live by if not hope! :) So go out there and experience what you have always wanted to. Who knows, it might turn out better than expected? And even if it doesn't atleast you will have tried and know. I think nothing hurts more than regret. Be it of anything.

So, when you are at peace with yourself and things around you too; when you are doing what you love, being very busy is also not tiring. You will always find time to do more and more things. However, when you are disturbed, even doing nothing tires you out. The mind feels cluttered without reason. Finally having taken a decision i was waiting on for almost months, i feel relieved! I may regret it later, but definitely as of now, this is what i want. This is what i need. And so this is what i do. Life will come around eventually. And this is not the end of it, neither is it life. It is just a part of life. Like many other things i've let go. Life goes on.

In her gap toothed smile, i found innocence
The warm gap in his fingers, i found companionship
The stringy gap in her hair, i found experience
The gap in distance, i found longing
In the gap between mountains, i found determination
The gap spokes, i found thrill
The gap in keys, i found a home
The gap in pages, i found my own world
In the gap between lashes, i found expression
The gap between toes, found a foothold
The gap in my heart- would you find your place?

So this is how it goes down, i assume.

Imagine yourself at a jolly lively colorful fair. You are there with your besties look around, laughing, trying out stuff and in general having fun.. Out of the blue a lovely attractive person comes up to you. They have a bowl of delicious looking candies or whatever it is that might catch your fancy. They start a conversation and slowly without asking or offering put the delectable goodies in your mouth. You are startled at first but obviously pleasantly. The things offered are nice, indeed, and some are even stuff that you really wanted or love! You are not expected to pay for it or give anything in return. An attachment develops as their seductive eyes hold yours. You don't even notice that as the pile of goodies in the basket starts dwindling the person's appears becomes more and more starved, but the enchanting smile stays on holding yours. You don't even notice the stuff depleting. Then when the basket in empty, they ask you for something back. You are taken aback. You were not expecting this. It makes sense to give something back but you don't know what? The attachment is strong so you don't want to turn them down, but you are at a loss of what to do! You do want the stuff they have on offer but now since its over they can't do much about it. They tell you that you can give them anything like they did, it needn't be something they've always wanted, just something to keep the magic basket alive and full. You try a bit but it doesn't seem to be enough, the basket seems to have developed a hole and everything seems to be falling out! Even they don't want to let go and so keep pushing you. You start noticing other things in the fair. Slowly your attention falters, but they seem quite stuck there, with you. You don't understand why you have to give back when you didn't ask for anything in the first place, then the guilty conscience sets in. You should give back if you took. But that doesn't help the fact that possible you don't want to give or you don't know what to give. The person's patience is low, they start getting agitated, and what seems like a blissful oblivion a while back starts becoming something nasty. You want to get out of there. And that's where it all starts falling to pieces.

This is just a perspective on the give and take in a relationship. Linking to expectations, when you give you shouldn't expect anything back unless you have made sure that there would be something else in return. If you want to give cause that makes you happy then you can't expect the other person to give something back! There is your expectation mismatch. And all this is in your head. You don't ask the person if they can give back , cause thats not how giving works. Its over time that you realise you have given out too much, you still want to but then you are left with nothing to give. Its kind of a weird circle. Understanding the act of giving, which is actually quite simple, become difficult when we get blinded by our needs. Understanding the other person, their expectations and capabilities and matching them with ours is important if you want to continue together. If you realise they aren't matching, its better to pause and take measure before letting yourself get burnt out and then blaming others for the things they never agreed to in the first place. Ideas and way of showing love are another aspect. Everyone has their own way. Its important to understand what yours are and what you expect than to just jump into something without thinking. Then again, if we all could think and fall in love, it wouldn't be love would it ;) However it does apply to the next stage of love which is a "relationship" if you want to have one. Then you need to decide what kind of a relationship you want! Too much math isn't it?
But then who cares! Go out there, fall, get hurt and get back up.. And in the process don't forget to enjoy yourself!! :D :D Give all you want and take whatever comes your way!

Is it love if it needs to be affirmed repeatedly? Is it love if it does not affirm itself? Tricky business isn't it? Insecurity requires affirmations.. And when insecurity is overcome affirmations are no longer required. But wouldn't it be nice to get affirmations of love even when there is no insecurity?
What is an affirmation of love? Is it the presence of the person, loving words, a glance, a caress, a materialistic gift, a normal casual conversation, a fight, saying the words repeatedly or saying it just once? Is it need to say it repeatedly? And if you don't, does it mean you don't love anymore? Or just nothing.. Does nothing account for an affirmation of love? Doing and saying nothing? Who knows..

Recently a very close friend of mine told me I would always be special to him. I asked why? He asked if it was necessary to elaborate. I said it would be nice if he did cause I've never heard anyone elaborate anything about how n what they feel for me.. And after that the words he said pierced me so much that i almost regretted asking him.. It made me wonder why such things happen. Why couldn't i give back the same amount of love to people who did genuinely love me? Why didn't i feel the same way for them. But I'm glad they remain close to me.. I carry them in my heart always. Coming back, such an affirmation of love expressed maybe only once in life would be enough to sustain two people perhaps..

Of late all my conceptions of love n romance have been put to the test.. And so I'm left with absolutely no idea of what to expect and if the things I've always wanted would ever happen.. But that's me digressing.. Do you know what an affirmation of love is? Something to think about? :)

where are you my love? its been so long.. so long that you where here right besides me.. loving caresses.. playful teasing.. day in and day out.. what happened this time? its been so long that you drenched m right to my soul.. so much that i had you inside me! in my very being.. i crave for you.. why are you so half hearted this time around? your glory seems shunned as if your heart isn't into it anymore.. waiting for you to pour.. to flood me and take me away into raptures.. pour down my darling.. atleast for her.. atleast i will get to see you, feel you, be with you.. you came for her even before i existed.. n now you seem distant, careworn.. i longed for you and im still longing this time.. there is the promise i see it everyday and yet you don't arrive.. restore my faith.. i need you.. i love you.. drench me to my bones.. fill me up.. i'm waiting.. come along now.. even if it is for her that you come.. lets bring back the hapiness again.. let me hold your hand it will be alright my love.. you were there for me always n now i am here for you..

There is this one place. Somewhere inside, perhaps it was somewhere outside once. Perhaps there were many such with the same texture to them. There is rain pouring, there is a chill in the air.. There are people around, many, a preparation, hard work, late nights.. A secret urge, an acute attraction, brief stolen glances, a sudden meeting of eyes and hurried turning away with a small smile to self.. There is a longing to experience it.. This nostalgia exists when the experience doesn't! :) There is a song (Paus asa runazunata). There is a painful craving to have it within as it is outside.. This nostalgia, to have it fully. It is like a dream, from an unknown place, somehow visited in the mind.. Perhaps someday again.. We will be young, younger.. carefree, with possibilities.. More possibilities and a freedom from ourselves, to choose. :) The rain, the clouds.. and some more.. a longing..