The Soulful Atom

So a little analogy about how people walk separate. Consider a fly, randomly flying around sniffing at stuff, cleaning herself, and generally thriving happily, looking for a fruit she can settle into. She keeps running into many of them, some she likes some she doesn't. Then one day she finds a fruit she thinks she likes, so she goes on it. Its a nice fruit warm sweet cozy. So she settles down in it. She spends a lot of quality time being in it. The more time she spends the deeper she goes into it. And that is something she likes. After considerably time however something starts itching her. So she scratches it as a normal reflex, and it becomes OK. Life continues, but then another day the itch returns, a little more intensely, so she scratches again! This time however she is a bit wary. Though she consoles herself that its probably nothing to worry about. As she goes deeper the itch intensifies and so does the frequency. She thinks of talking to the fruit and does too. But the fruit is at a loss of what is happening. The fly can't take it any more. The fruit tries to make her comfortable cause obviously it likes her too, but it can't change its nature or cut parts of itself out! So its all in vain. The fly has to decide whether to keep scratching and bleeding and to leave. The fruit is sad but it can't see the fly dying each minute. So it leaves her free to make a decision. Sadly but with some hope and very painfully the fly extracts herself from the fruit. She is covered with it from top to bottom, and it weighs down on her. Her wings which she had prepared to never use again are all soggy and stuck. Slowly she walks away from the fruit.. Its painful but it needs to be done or she would've lost herself to some other kind of pain- the pain of not being able to be herself. She still loves the fruit and it loves her too, but they both know this needs to be done. She will find herself clean in sometimes, the heaviness will disappear and her wings will be crisp and sparkly soon, for her to take high flights as she used to. It will take time but she will gradually heal herself..
Sometimes, the fly sits in the fruit for this long or sometimes just for some time for the itch to set in. Some times even less amount of time can bring a large amount of baggage, depending on the kind of fruit and the kind of fly. If the fly is fragile any kind of fruit and less amount of time might bring stickiness. If the fruit is too mushy then any kind of fly will get stuck for longer and even if it doesn't there might still be heaviness.
Finding the right combination of fruit and fly is what relationships are all about. Hurt will be there no matter what, till you find the right fruit or fly. Sometimes the itch is temporary and not life threatening. Sometimes a little scratching helps, or just ignoring it might help too!
Its all about trying to understand what is happening and being on the same page with your fruit or fly! :)
So go on be fearless, be truthful, be brave, love, live! What else is there to it? ;) Don't be scared of the itch or soggy wings or impressions left by your fly.. Take your flight and plunge in, accept someone into you!! :)

You fit into me..
The gaps between my fingers..
The curve between my shoulder and chin..
You fit, warm and cozy..
There is no hurry, a sense of calm and peace engulfs us..
When you fit into me..
The swish of my waist..
The odd angle of my elbows..
Even my crooked nose..
You fit into me..
Through the wilderness of our pasts, here we have come to a haven.. Together yours and mine..
This moment in time.. This expanse that we've built with ourselves..
Of who we really are..
Without pretenses..
This post card of memories..
Where you fit into me perfectly..
The space behind my ear..
And the one between my lips..
As our eyes droop slowly to the intoxicating melody of the moonlight
And open crinkled by the tinkle of sunshine..
I find myself entangled in you..
As you fit into me..

Building up a house of cards. Carefully selecting a Queen and a King then an Ace and a Jack to go with them. Its the thing about queens and kings, an allure about them.. The aces have their own high place.. Its the jacks who do the work and are never given the acknowledgement, least said about the other cards, the better. So i started building a house of cards. Slowly and steadily. It went up high, I was thrilled as i kept adding cards upon cards. I could see it was beautiful, serene.. Then there was a light breeze.. It was refreshing since i was a little tried building this house of cards for myself. I was also waiting to see when it can be finally fit for me to stop and admire it. So the breeze was welcome, i closed my eyes to feel it caress my tired face and neck.. And in that fraction the house of cards lay flat on the floor. Hours and hours of careful hard-work it took to build my perfect house of cards and one light tiny breeze was all it took for the house to fall back. It didn't even put up a fight, it just fell. Disregarding my love and efforts.. And that when i realized, it was all just an illusion. Building delicate things like house of cards will eventually result in them falling flat. Its in their nature.. However, the sooner they fall the better it is. Disillusionment is the gift they bring in their falling. So that is what you can be thankful for.. No harm in building them, just know it, and be prepared for the gift. You never know which house might turn out to be of cards..

I have a tornado in my pocket
It likes to get out once in a while
I have a tornado in my pocket
And i think it is quite tamed
Unlike the dragon in my heart
Or atleast so it makes me feel
I have a tornado in my pocket
Which makes me zoom about at times
It takes me high up with it
And when it is bored with my weight it drops me smacking back down!
I have a pet tornado in my pocket
It likes me i think
Cause i sure love it!

It rained last night. Its a beautiful morning today. The kinds that i love! Standing in the balcony door (not in the actual balcony) resting on the frame, sipping a steaming cuppa, i looked on outside. The wet streets, the overcast sky, the occasional morning walker with a pet on a leash and feeling the cool wet air on my face. There are a lot of high rise buildings around my place, i noticed them. Then the weather made me think of snowy chilly rough mountains, as I'm now living closer to them than i ever have! I noticed a middle aged women in one of the many hundred balconies stretched out in front of me, she was wiping the floor and had a big belly. This vision and these buildings coupled with the thoughts of mountains and going off for a trek/expedition made me think as if everyone is here for a reason and the same reason too! As if they are all waiting for something to happen. That one event in which everyone will participate. But they've been waiting for centuries. Lost generations to this wait. Athletes, dancers, sportsmen, artists.. All turned slowly into something else. Athletes with pot bellies, dancers with broken feet, prejudiced artists.. They turned away from their own true self after the hopes and expectations of the events were slowly crushed by the ever lasting wait. Busied themselves in menial day to day activities. Never taking time out to hone their skills, their true selves, as they waited. Perhaps somewhere they forgot who they were and what they were waiting for? Did they lose faith completely that the event was ever going to happen? And it makes me wonder what will happen the day that event takes place? Will they be able to bring out their true selves from this comfortable cocoon and illusion they have built around themselves? Will the force of their forefathers help them do it? Or is that dead too? Will they be running a lame race as their lives now? Has the event lost its charm for them? What is it that we live for and where are our dreams? What is it that is the root of our existence? Who are we really? Where are we headed as individuals or together? When will we realize that the race isn't hidden that life is in front of us each moment, this is our event, our life! Live it, don't just trudge along.. :)

Expectations versus reality. The war continues. This time however it was conducive in my favor. Having taken many big decisions in the past couple of years, this one was the biggest- Moving out, and that too to a completely new city halfway across the country! Its not like I haven't lived away from home, but shifting entirely- The very first! So there was a lot of apprehension, naturally, and even more so given where i was shifting to! The capital and nearby areas are not quite well known for being great places to live in, specially for women. And so as i voiced my decision to move exactly there, there was a downpour of shocked reactions. People started off telling me not to shift at all, family and friends alike, and wondered aloud why it has come down to moving right there! Of course all of it was out of concern, though it irked me a little. But none of this bogged me down since i was sure of my decision. Slowly people started accepting it and then came the experience sharing, most of it, rather all of it, being unpleasant.. In the beginning i was quite irritated, though i knew the root of their opinions, being aware of all the news that floated about constantly about that region. Then, i too started just hearing people out, since all the advice was for my well-being. Though they accepted my decision eventually, though a bit reluctantly, and i'm sure if i had dropped the plans all of my world would have been happy.
I have never even visited the capital let alone stayed and experienced it before. So i had created a picture of it based on all these inputs i got from people and the news that keeps coming in relentlessly. I was prepared for the worst. Taking all the precautions and imagining what i would do if any adverse situations did pop up! And then the day finally dawned. I was excited to explore living alone on my own, away from the cozy comfort, love and care of all my close ones..
I know some people staying here, friends and some family friends too, so it is a bit of relief. As i start to go out and see places i realize its not as bad as i had imagined it to be. Of course its not as good as back home, and there is a lot of need to take extra precautions and to be extra alert all the time.
Friends helped me find a place to move in, shared with two other girls. I've set up the room, and the first time ever in life i have flatmates! Its interesting and exciting to experience all this. The girls seem alright and its basically exactly like i wanted a place to be. So far so good. There is still a lot of time to experience a lot of things and i'm yet to see and explore the entire place. Friends have been a huge help and are always there to help out in any case. I'm glad to have such people around. Guess some good deeds from sometime are paying off. Technology too is a huge aide- be it keeping in touch with all with updates or checking maps to ensure the auto is going the right way!
So far what i have experienced has confirmed my belief that we need to see stuff for ourselves and not just go with people's opinion of things. It applies to something as small as a movie to something as big as an entire city. Since they have views, expectations and experiences of their own which shapes how they see something (perspective!). It needn't mean i have the same. Though all the advice stays with me and helps me become more prudent.
So yeah when reality is a notch better than expectations its a bit heartening and give hopes. And what do we have to live by if not hope! :) So go out there and experience what you have always wanted to. Who knows, it might turn out better than expected? And even if it doesn't atleast you will have tried and know. I think nothing hurts more than regret. Be it of anything.

So, when you are at peace with yourself and things around you too; when you are doing what you love, being very busy is also not tiring. You will always find time to do more and more things. However, when you are disturbed, even doing nothing tires you out. The mind feels cluttered without reason. Finally having taken a decision i was waiting on for almost months, i feel relieved! I may regret it later, but definitely as of now, this is what i want. This is what i need. And so this is what i do. Life will come around eventually. And this is not the end of it, neither is it life. It is just a part of life. Like many other things i've let go. Life goes on.