The Soulful Atom

It re-surfaces, raises its ugly head..
Grey and dirty..
Full of tiny gooey tentacles which grow larger with every passing minute..

Threatening to engulf every happy moment,
It poisons every seed of joy that you sowed..

It dis-integrates every strand of hope that your heart witnessed..
And then it crushes each of the tiny pieces,
Till their screams echo in its ears forever..

The mouth so grotesque smelling of a hundred rotting smiles..
The ghosts of past hopes shine eerily through its eyes..

It creeps all over, inside and out..
Its lusty feet, hands and tongue sucking all the thoughts but one out..
It plants the seeds of despair and hatred..

I open my eyes, i strain my ears..
But all i see is lies, and all i hear is fake..

It cajoles me, and lures me into its depths..
And then.....
I can trust no more..

The usual tarry of the lightening to show off his arrival..
The restlessness of trees parched to taste his highness..

The clouds gather and roar..
Announcing this presence..

The earth can do nothing more..
but whirl around with anxious glee..

We close the windows and wait for the expected..
Soon I close my eyes and drift away in the unknown but familiar land of dreams..

Seems like an eternity, I wonder when we shall meet..
and Suddenly the eye opens,
to the light whispers of the dew drops falling from new leaves..

There he was right in front of me,
He was there all along when i dozed off..

Now i see him drenching everyone with his love,
But me..

Envy floods through each atom of my body,
The helplessness and despair of having giving in to sleep..
When he was out there in all his grandeur waiting for me..

The morning creeps in trying not to disturb the peace..
Lights up the droplets with soft caressing rays..

The birds wake with a start,
The trees sway to their tune
And some tea boils in the kettle..

A new day to start with,
And all i feel is to let myself get lost in his arms..
And stay that way forever..

We are not meant to be..
He has his lover since time was not known..

The souls however know things,
which the conscious will never understand..

It is that knowledge that draw us closer..
And close we shall be..

My craving for him..
And his desire to please..

Apart though we maybe..
One day we shall meet..

I know he will surprise me, as he has before..
Make me smile on the bluest of my days..

Hit me playfully with his tiny droplets, as i hurry for work..
Splash me with joy when i need to look my best..

And i still love him all the same..
He is in me and I'm his.. :)

Happy Monsoon!! :) :)

Since we are small children we are always being led into thinking things which people close to us think are right for us. Most of the things are good for us, we develop habits which do us good in the long run. Then we graduate to having friends keeping secrets from parents etc. Many times the friends you choose have a greater impact on you than your parents do. The things that they embed on us are long lasting n deep. Specially when its someone like me, who picks up the smallest of habits etc from the people close to her, it is very important to choose friends wisely and I did so. After many accusations from some people about the friends i have, they also accepted that my choice really was correct. I feel we tend to confuse good and right.

It differs from people to people. Their judgments of what is right and wrong, good and bad! The thoughts, theories, conclusions, relations, verdicts etc that i've seen around me since i was a child conditioned me to believe, think and act and even feel things in the same way as the people around me did. As i grew up, there were many happenings very different in nature from what i was used to seeing or conditioned to see and believe. The things which i liked were pretty much different from what i was told was good and correct for me. So i tried to refrain from experiencing or indulging in these things which so strongly attracted me to them because i always thought it would do me no good, since i never knew what they were!!
But then life had something else in store for me. I managed to taste the forbidden fruit and it felt as a part of my own, as if thats how it is meant to be.. But then, like a fish sucked out of water, the realization hit that this is not how my world functions! But then could it be that I'm not really a part of this world that i live in? The answer is still eludes me.

Till recently i made myself forget those enlivening experiences and thought that all the teaching of my world were good n right for me. Like any girl in a similar situation i went about the routines and rituals.. Turning even love into a ritual.. Until i came across another element who unexpectedly almost surprisingly has made me trace my steps back and think about the other part of me who always wanted to break free.. Who can never be caged into routines and cultures and conditionings of any kind..

It made me think about things i'd long left behind, or so i thought. It made me wonder if i can really have what i want.. Or i seem to want. It just struck me like a toe hits a solid piece of furniture in broad day light, popping whitish blue jellyfishes in front of your eyes, and you wonder how you couldn't see it.. The reason could be i've been pre-occupied enough with the happenings around me, most of them positive, to forget to live in the moment and see what was there in front of me or what i really want in life. It is not only a specific person but the fact that i cannot be bound! Though that is what i'd always wished for (being with the kind of people who think if that is not the way then nothing is). But now i re-discover, i am not like them, no one can really be like anyone else. I tried to suppress the weird, as people like to call it, part of me, to be able to "fit in". But i realize now that it doesn't matter.. Be it a sudden closeness with someone, sharing thoughts or the non-sharing of thoughts which you feel the other already knows, or just spending time watching the night sky, the clouds whispering secrets that no one would ever know, the cool breeze caressing laughter and silent thoughtful eyes.. distant shimmering lights and silhouettes of hills beckoning a walk amongst the woods, stars shining down smiling on two people who feel some things are better left unsaid.. The subtle frankness of leaving things to be understood did not seem surprising.. or did it?

It might not be good (though it does feel so), but it surely feels right.. :)



BP: I want that star 32 degrees from you, loaded with chocolate whipped cream and a dollop of ozone.. **dreamy eyes**

CP: I'd rather not have you as my ally when I shift to the white house..

So many times it happens that the most un-imaginable, un-thinkable (good and bad) things materialise..

Though there have been many things happening which i least expected, (or maybe i thought i didn't expect them) I've never been to surprised by them.. Somehow, somewhere within i always knew those things are going to happen (not the exact thing which happens), and somehow i'm always prepared.. Don't know how and what it is.. Its not that i know what is going to happen to be, so i don't analyse things and do not do any kind of guess work, much the opposite. I hardly think about the consequences.. However, I feel that the weirdest of things are pretty normal when they happen to me.. Things which have a direct impact on me are the ones which surprise me the least.. I would be very surprised if i hear something which is unexpected or "un-imaginable" for someone else, happening to them..

This must be the first time i'm thinking about such things happening to me and my reactions to them. Surprise is the last reaction that i give! Be it landing a job out of nowhere or meeting with an accident or taking someone, i've known for not a lot of time, at one of my most special places or anything which would have a lasting impact..

But I still do get surprised when some dear friend shows up unexpectedly, mom makes my favorite food, unexpected calls and hugs from dear ones or even people who are not so close! :) What is it that makes me take supposedly bigger things easily but give more importance to these tiny pleasures of life?

Small things matter.. For me i guess its only these small things which matter.. :)

Still trying to figure out what it is all about!

Its been ages since i talked to BP and CP and since they talked to me.. I guess all the new developments, the exhilaration and the extreme sorrow led them to retreat within themselves. They are the ones who keep me sane considering all the madness i go through.. They are my backbone, my undying support.. They are always there even if i'm not with myself.. They bring me up from my darkest blue.. But i lost them in the sparkling fog of my desires and of the changes around.. I wonder if they both communicate with each other atleast.. I hope they do.. Wish i can reach back to them.. I'm sure they are waiting for me to come back to them.. And come back i will.. I just hope nothing will snatch away my innocence on that front.. I miss you both BP CP..


BP: Come to me baby.. Yeah baby!!! :D Party time!! **running around mad** **screaming myself hoarse**

CP: Aww.. Bitch we miss you too!! Welcome home sweet love! never say goodbye! :) **hugs**

So much seems to be happening around. So many things to do. Its all new, all very exciting, everything that i wanted, that any girl of my age etc could ask for.. And still somewhere i feel i have nothing to do as such. Though my plate is full, the empty light transparent blankness overwhelms me and i'm left with absolutely nothing on my mind.. Few people noticed my being pre-occupied and tried to help. But it keeps returning somehow. Since a very long time. Is it cause i haven't had time to stop and think where my life was going or where i'm leading it to? Or is it the fact that everything around keeps changing the moment i feel i'm getting comfortable with it. Or, as some might like to put it, i change it myself (cause perhaps i am a masochist enough to deprive myself of pure happiness devoid of pain).

I still am not capable of dealing with loss. That could be another reason for this strange feeling. Though outwardly i appear to be moving on and getting over it all and being strong, it kills me inside, eats away at my soul, the pain is so excruciating that no physical agony stands a chance of being noticed (maybe that is why my body recovers so fast so that it can concentrate its resources on consoling and caring for my heart). i still remember all the tiny things which hurt me, or maybe which hurt others since i was a child. I have still not been able to forget it. None of it.. I blame myself for having hurt others,however small it was, though many times there was nothing i could do to help improve the situation, and many times other could do without hurting me but they still did..

People who have been with me since that tender age, people who have seen me in my worst and in my best (if at all it exists) fail to understand me.. How can they? Haven't they seen all i could possibly do? Don't they still know me? If not how can they claim to be so close to me? If yes Why do they behave the way they do? I might be at fault but is there always one side to anything? I believe not. It feels like i'm getting more entangled in the past as i try to cut it loose...Maybe cause these people mattered to me more than anything else on earth (and perhaps i did not to them).

Yes I still cannot come to terms with a few things, the fact that your closest friends will turn their back on you when all that you ask of them is some understanding! And then they will point fingers at you, gang up against you.. is this what friends do?

Yes i cannot handle loss still, the more closer it is the more difficult it gets to got away.. How can they do it so easily? Maybe they are not as foolish as me.. Now i ask myself- how can something so pure as friendship be riddled by such questions? How could these questions creep in my mind? I try to let go.. Cause though they say their friendship is selfless i can see lots of gaping holes..They are making me lose my faith in friendship, something i held high above all relationships. They treat it as per their own convenience.

I wonder when i'll be able to let go and move on.. and if i'll be able to..

Its like reaching the high point, something like when the flame of a candle burns the brightest before going out.. I hope it will be the same in my case.. Hope i'll be able to move on henceforth.. There is always something positive coming from all the crap in the world.. I hope this mess brings out something good too!! :)

Needless to say you must have noticed the new skin. Its been 2 years since I revealed the Unstable Atom guess she deserved a change. If not from my randomness and instability at least from the appearance..
And so i hunted for a suitable skin. Being low on patience I selected the first one that i thought best suitable for her. However, though the blog looks alright (the background), more colorful and bright than usual (in the right amount), it is pretty difficult to maneuver within the blog (from the blog page to the dashboard etc) since the navigation link doesn't appear on the blog page! So hopefully i'll find a way to get around.. If any of you have any idea how i can get the navigation board on the blog page please drop some tips! :) Till then I hope you have no difficulties reading! Cheers!! :)