The Soulful Atom

So much seems to be happening around. So many things to do. Its all new, all very exciting, everything that i wanted, that any girl of my age etc could ask for.. And still somewhere i feel i have nothing to do as such. Though my plate is full, the empty light transparent blankness overwhelms me and i'm left with absolutely nothing on my mind.. Few people noticed my being pre-occupied and tried to help. But it keeps returning somehow. Since a very long time. Is it cause i haven't had time to stop and think where my life was going or where i'm leading it to? Or is it the fact that everything around keeps changing the moment i feel i'm getting comfortable with it. Or, as some might like to put it, i change it myself (cause perhaps i am a masochist enough to deprive myself of pure happiness devoid of pain).

I still am not capable of dealing with loss. That could be another reason for this strange feeling. Though outwardly i appear to be moving on and getting over it all and being strong, it kills me inside, eats away at my soul, the pain is so excruciating that no physical agony stands a chance of being noticed (maybe that is why my body recovers so fast so that it can concentrate its resources on consoling and caring for my heart). i still remember all the tiny things which hurt me, or maybe which hurt others since i was a child. I have still not been able to forget it. None of it.. I blame myself for having hurt others,however small it was, though many times there was nothing i could do to help improve the situation, and many times other could do without hurting me but they still did..

People who have been with me since that tender age, people who have seen me in my worst and in my best (if at all it exists) fail to understand me.. How can they? Haven't they seen all i could possibly do? Don't they still know me? If not how can they claim to be so close to me? If yes Why do they behave the way they do? I might be at fault but is there always one side to anything? I believe not. It feels like i'm getting more entangled in the past as i try to cut it loose...Maybe cause these people mattered to me more than anything else on earth (and perhaps i did not to them).

Yes I still cannot come to terms with a few things, the fact that your closest friends will turn their back on you when all that you ask of them is some understanding! And then they will point fingers at you, gang up against you.. is this what friends do?

Yes i cannot handle loss still, the more closer it is the more difficult it gets to got away.. How can they do it so easily? Maybe they are not as foolish as me.. Now i ask myself- how can something so pure as friendship be riddled by such questions? How could these questions creep in my mind? I try to let go.. Cause though they say their friendship is selfless i can see lots of gaping holes..They are making me lose my faith in friendship, something i held high above all relationships. They treat it as per their own convenience.

I wonder when i'll be able to let go and move on.. and if i'll be able to..

Its like reaching the high point, something like when the flame of a candle burns the brightest before going out.. I hope it will be the same in my case.. Hope i'll be able to move on henceforth.. There is always something positive coming from all the crap in the world.. I hope this mess brings out something good too!! :)