The Soulful Atom

Since we are small children we are always being led into thinking things which people close to us think are right for us. Most of the things are good for us, we develop habits which do us good in the long run. Then we graduate to having friends keeping secrets from parents etc. Many times the friends you choose have a greater impact on you than your parents do. The things that they embed on us are long lasting n deep. Specially when its someone like me, who picks up the smallest of habits etc from the people close to her, it is very important to choose friends wisely and I did so. After many accusations from some people about the friends i have, they also accepted that my choice really was correct. I feel we tend to confuse good and right.

It differs from people to people. Their judgments of what is right and wrong, good and bad! The thoughts, theories, conclusions, relations, verdicts etc that i've seen around me since i was a child conditioned me to believe, think and act and even feel things in the same way as the people around me did. As i grew up, there were many happenings very different in nature from what i was used to seeing or conditioned to see and believe. The things which i liked were pretty much different from what i was told was good and correct for me. So i tried to refrain from experiencing or indulging in these things which so strongly attracted me to them because i always thought it would do me no good, since i never knew what they were!!
But then life had something else in store for me. I managed to taste the forbidden fruit and it felt as a part of my own, as if thats how it is meant to be.. But then, like a fish sucked out of water, the realization hit that this is not how my world functions! But then could it be that I'm not really a part of this world that i live in? The answer is still eludes me.

Till recently i made myself forget those enlivening experiences and thought that all the teaching of my world were good n right for me. Like any girl in a similar situation i went about the routines and rituals.. Turning even love into a ritual.. Until i came across another element who unexpectedly almost surprisingly has made me trace my steps back and think about the other part of me who always wanted to break free.. Who can never be caged into routines and cultures and conditionings of any kind..

It made me think about things i'd long left behind, or so i thought. It made me wonder if i can really have what i want.. Or i seem to want. It just struck me like a toe hits a solid piece of furniture in broad day light, popping whitish blue jellyfishes in front of your eyes, and you wonder how you couldn't see it.. The reason could be i've been pre-occupied enough with the happenings around me, most of them positive, to forget to live in the moment and see what was there in front of me or what i really want in life. It is not only a specific person but the fact that i cannot be bound! Though that is what i'd always wished for (being with the kind of people who think if that is not the way then nothing is). But now i re-discover, i am not like them, no one can really be like anyone else. I tried to suppress the weird, as people like to call it, part of me, to be able to "fit in". But i realize now that it doesn't matter.. Be it a sudden closeness with someone, sharing thoughts or the non-sharing of thoughts which you feel the other already knows, or just spending time watching the night sky, the clouds whispering secrets that no one would ever know, the cool breeze caressing laughter and silent thoughtful eyes.. distant shimmering lights and silhouettes of hills beckoning a walk amongst the woods, stars shining down smiling on two people who feel some things are better left unsaid.. The subtle frankness of leaving things to be understood did not seem surprising.. or did it?

It might not be good (though it does feel so), but it surely feels right.. :)



BP: I want that star 32 degrees from you, loaded with chocolate whipped cream and a dollop of ozone.. **dreamy eyes**

CP: I'd rather not have you as my ally when I shift to the white house..