The Soulful Atom

(My sincere apologies to all those who can't make sense of this post, its in Marathi. there was no way of expressing all this in english).

Today morning I felt alive. I could connect to every person I saw on the road while riding my bike on the way to college. It takes me 15-20 mins to reach college, today was no different.. Except for a few things.. Aaj pratyekacha ek aunsh majhyat ani majha pratekat ahe asa mala vatat hota. I could literally feel myself in every being and a bit of every being in me.. Gadi varun jatana patkan aplya priyakaracha muka ghenari priyasi.. Aplya taklavar ugavlele thodese kes nirkhun baghnara ek tarun, ani tevdhyat signal sutato.. Reverse janara truck, tyatla na dislela driver, tya mule udnari dhool.. ek navin lagna jhalela jodpa. tichya chehrya varcha te lajra hasu ani tyachya dolyatli chamak. konachya tari lagnacha band, tya mule traslela pan tari tithech ubha rahaychi iccha aslela ek lahan mulga. mala cut marun kahitari pratikriya expect karnare don tarun. dokyavar panyachi ghagar gheun chukichya dishekade baghun, majhya gadi khali yeta-yeta vachleli ek bai. lal ribbons ni bandhlelya don venya ani galyat ek lal kapad odhani mhanun gheun baher khelayla nighaleli tarunpanchya umbarthyavar asleli ek mulgi. rastyajaval gaadi dhutlyamule saathlelya dabkyat dhumbnari dukrachi pille. gaadi valavtana jorat rasta cross karnarya duchaki valyala shivya ghalnara ek six seater wala. constipation jhalay ani toilet milat nai ase expression gheun bus chi vaat baghat ubha aslela ek tarun. ase kahi ani ase ajun kahi mala agdi aplese vatle.. manje apan ahot ase vatle. majha ek aunsh tya sarvan madhe ani tya pratyetkacha ek-ek aunsh majhya madhe.. te sarva purna ani mi, sampurna.. jivanta..

Why is the sky blue and the ocean too? Why is the sky black at night and at the dawn as well? Why do we fall in love to be happy even when we know it hurts like hell? Why is the rainbow so colorful but the rain so dark? Why do the moods swing so badly, n why doesn't the swing break then? Why do you desire for things and when you get them you want to lose them asap? Why do people stay when they have already walked away, and why do they come back when you feel they are not there any more? Why are there twisted tunnels which turn everywhere, small and big, dark and bright, but lead at the same place always? Why are they so many of them and so different too, with the same aim of crushing your heart and sucking up your love? Why can't you have everything and anything you want and keep everyone happy as well? Why do so many why's exists and at times there is not a single one? Why is why a question and why should it always have an answer if it should? Why do we don't accept things we know and which we know are right? Why don't others do the same? Why can't caterpillars fly? Why do they have to become a butterfly? Why is the why so helpful and many a times so painful? Why can't I remember all that I had on my mind to write here? Why do I get lost? Why do I find myself back after getting lost? Why are there blanks? Why do they get filled and then why do they become blank again? Why do I always have something more to say and yet can't find words? Why does the why exist? Why did they create it? Why Why Why?

You make me into a strand of slime, which sticks to a rock..
Though supposed to slip n slither, I hold on to you..
You shake me away, I'm your self-invited grit..
I see people smiling away, flowers in the gloom..
Why do they have a right to bloom,
when you crush my being?
You change like light on a shimmering drop,
and leave me astounded..
Dark n purple, a ghostly green, and a sickly yellow is what I feel,
The blue has moss all over it,
The colors no longer have the sheen..
Why did you give them to me, when you didn't want them seen?
My eyes search you..
My heart screeches your name..
With a hundred needles piercing my eyes and a thousand knives slashing through my heart,
The red flowing away reflects you face,
I drink it in eagerly, not wanting to miss out in even a sec of even the your illusion of your presence..
You carelessly walk away, soaked in my blood,
You indifferently wipe it off with that innocent smile..
I smile down to the bottom of your heart banging with a dull thud, and you ruthless trod all over me..
unhearing. unseeing. unfeeling.
Were you always this or is this an illusion too?
My being refuses to believe this self of yous- so untrue, so fake.. such lies.. or is it the real you?
My ray of hope, my sun, my love, break through the barriers and come to me..
I shall help you find the light, I'll help you see through..
Come out of your hiding beind the clouds of doubt,
Let me in.. let me through..
Hold my hand and bring the rainbow in..
Burst through the slime!
Crush the rust!
Slash away the slithering shadows of lies!
Bring in the light!
Come, be mine.
Make me yours..

The sun shines on my skin today,
with a different light in his eyes..
Meant to burn as he is, yet he soothes and heals me today..
Smiling knowingly, he enjoys my confusion at his exhibition of love.
He sows seeds of magenta deep in my heart,
He sprinkles Pink, jade, rust, amethyst, mustard and maroon, beige, grey, azure, white coral, brown, ochre, navy blue, chrome, plum and olive, sliver, aquamarine and lime green, on my being..
Presents me the colors which the rainbow is depreived of,
which he reserved only for me..
The he takes shelter from the clouds and covers himself,
playing hide and seek with my longing.
A deep black is what i love and so unwillingly he gives it to me..
My sun showers me with the cool black but he can't hold back!
He sparkles gold through the soft stark velvety darkness, just to see the smile on my face,
which he planted the moment I felt his presence in my being..
The smile which stays forever..
His presence blows me apart and yet he delicately cuddles me in..
He enters me and all the colors explode and swim around us,
twinkling exhilirated at the happening of and extraodinarily ordinary love..

A time comes when everything seems to be perfectly alright. Everything falls in place, work, love, family, friends, the self too. But then as said before what is life if its perfect and so without any reason, this feeling comes to haunt you. A feeling of moss covered nostalgia, dark despair, piercing loneliness, and screaming frustration which wrecks havoc on each and every inch of you, inside and outside.
No amount of will power to stay calm and composed can't help you stop drifting away from your aim and jumping to conclusion or exaggerating trivial issue.. The insides were sreaming in protest and the outside world was facing the consequences of the self made hurricane.. you try to vent it out, but its as sticky as cotton wool on hands coated with glue, can't shake it off so easily.. The feeling has to stay cause it has to disrupt the illusion of a perfect life that you are going through. The more you try to push it aside, take it out, throw it away, the more it clings on to you, it becomes a parasite. Sucking away at the all the rotten things you feel and at those which it injects into you.. It becomes a vicious cycle and it goes on burning every trace of perfection.. This twisted weirdness knows not where to stop and hence you are the one who has to get a grip and wash it all away. It takes a few seconds at times and at times it stays on for long.. But mostly if ebbs away once its aim is fulfilled and it won't do much harm unless you let it carry on.. Once you manage to convince it that the damage it has caused is enough for life to go on, then you can safely assume that this twisted weirdness will sit back and you get to work like its slave, to keep it happy with a few imperfections here and a few there, so that it doesn't attack you again.
Though at times you get carried away with your perfections and this little weirdness has no option than to hit you back to your senses again.. All it does is try to keep you in the race, to keep you alive.. And here I go blaming it for my mood swings and all the bad things! So next time you are low think bout this twisted weirdness and thank it for the fortune it has in store for you!

What is it that I need and what is it that I ask for? What do all these questions mean? And do the answers even exist? I'm so bored and tired of the same cycle again and again! Doesn't everyone deserve a change? Doesn't everyone want a change? and then why don't they change? Don't people get bored of pretending and lying and why don't they change then? If change is not constant would it not become stagnant? But if change doesn't change, it would be the same change! But if change changes it would change to the opposite that is not same as change!! So should it or should it not change?

Oh how happy and relieved these few lines make me! I've finally been able to put my views about change in a much resolved manner than how they were in my brain.. Though theres lots more to it.. This much is enough for the time being. Wonder if anyone could enlighten me a bit more about what I have just puked on these virtual pages! I know its a pretty dark shade, but its very colorful too if you know how to see! ;-) or shall I say if you can see my way, where I'm pointing towards.. cheers!!

A friend termed it as a piece of philosophy. All of us sometime or the other in our lives go through, are worried about, enjoy, hate being in, stay away, want to have etc. relationships.. so here it is.. A small pinch of philosophy for everyone to ruminate on..
Tackling a huge load of some very light cloth, to be wrapped on the college railings, a friend trying to help me with no good luck, I suddenly face a tangle of the cloth..
The cloth itself being around 50 metres in length, one can imagine the depth of the tangle..
I struggle with the knots.. The friends suggests "cut it off" I stop her harshly and continue my stuggle single handedly with the long cloth..
Just when the friend is losing her patience, for no good reason, in a flash the knots untangle and the cloth is free of all complications.. and I continue my work with ease and harmony with the cloth..
"The same thing happens with relationships, we think they won't work any more and we try to shake them off, cut them away, crush them.. But then later on after having lost everything dear to us, we realise that if only we had held on for some more and tried a bit more, everything would be fine and they would live in harmony..."