The Soulful Atom

The moment of awareness when you realise your conscious is making a decision that might drastically change the course your life is going to take. This mostly happens out of depression or sorrow. Most of the times we don't become aware of it as a third neutral person. For example the sad and the happy side are arguing, and the sad side is winning in taking a decision. But the neutral side suddenly awakens and realises what is happening and so now its the neutral side that needs to decide which side it wants to take! There is this turmoil this war that rages on inside. There are multiple triggers. And right now I'm all for letting the sad side win. Probably cause its easier. It is an easy way out. It will cause more pain, not just to me but to people who love me- family and some friends perhaps. Its like an existential crisis too. Wherein i feel like consciously starting to smoke again in hope that i will fall fatally ill, cause I cannot bring myself up to suicide and don't really want to end my life. But if something had to happen which was reversible and which would mean my life ending abnormally early then I'm all for it. Its just exhaustion from all the drama that happens in my head, all the thinking, overthinking, analysing.. its overwhelming at times. The state of just not getting what i want the way i want. The stubbornness of not accepting what I am getting. The feeling of "I'm so done", of giving up and yet not wanting to give up, of feeling drained and burnt out and yet wanting to just keep going on! Hope and helplessness and tiredness together are not a good combination i guess. It just wreaks havoc on a person's head, maybe just on my head but nonetheless. Yelling doesn't help, crying doesn't, neither does being angry or sad or laughing or nothing helps! Its like a deep hole somewhere deep inside that i just cannot reach to fill it up. Its the war in my head that is exhausting. But I'm a fighter, not a quitter, so i will go on. Though deep down i wish i could just let go of everything, everyone even myself and just float.. somehow.. devoid of any feeling, any burdens.. I wonder how it would feel..