The Soulful Atom

When you are a part of something huge, and then you are not. When your world revolves around someone and then it doesn't anymore. The shards of the past keep poking at your heart, and it keeps bleeding little by little like water flowing from a thin crack in the pot. You have been numbed by emotions so badly that nothing can be felt any more. You have been blamed for every wrong, when the only thing you did was to love and give. When you gave selfishly, so selfishly that no one else was allowed to give but you. The world passes by in a blur, daily, moment by moment. A blur of color, sound, memories and hopes.. Its all a bad confusion. But there is not desire to solve it. Because solving it would mean going back to the pain, letting go of peace. A desperate plea for help. A desperate desire to change. To not be yourself anymore and yet to be yourself cause you are not that bad altogether!
The numbness becomes your existence, and yet you are hit repeatedly at the same place, and it bleeds. The bleeding never stops, but you stop feeling anything, you are not aware that it is bleeding, you ignore it, cover it up. At times when the cover moves a bit you just sit quietly, serenely and smile as you watch the blood flow away from your body. The whole hurricane of extreme emotions seems to have passed. The intensity, the extremity was sucked and beaten out of you, and left to die, left to rot, and it obliged.
You look outside the window and see the bright sun streaming in.. Its beautiful outside, you feel renewed but empty. Like you always have been. You forget the point of living, and being there in that moment. Everything is stagnant now, stuck in this moment, every moment seems stuck even if its new. And yet it is moving. It is moving you somewhere, without your knowledge but with your consent. The numbness is welcome.
It is difficult to place this feeling, where there is no certainty and yet there is some. You know yourself better. You know exactly what decisions you took and why, you understand them better now. The pain is there but so is the numbness, which is a blessing. The numbness reminds you to be firm. Each shard in your heart reminds you why you need to be firm. And then you smile. Cause this is how it was meant to be. And if it was meant to be otherwise it would've been.

The clouds gather slowly, unnaturally, they seem to have lost their meaning, or their way.. Like i lost mine.. Getting carried away is my nature, which entails getting hurt. A friend recently told me to be indifferent, to stop giving importance to people, to stop letting myself get hurt and to never ever cry again "promise me" he said, to not give away so much, to be selfish.. It doesn't make sense to me. but it does to him.. he has locked away that part of his which corresponds to me. But i cannot, i cannot be like him and he doesn't want to let that part out because it causes pain. Which makes sense, it is what we call "practical". But i resent living a life where i suppress my feelings! I will express, i will indulge even if it hurts! I will stand back on my feet and keep looking. Cause that is how i am made. No matter the hurdles not matter the pain. Like cher says "You haven't seen the last of me".
I will eventually venture out, and i know that friend will eventually let out my bit in him too (god alone knows when! may be when i let in his bit).. but for now this numbness is all i want, its the only thing that's bringing me joy and peace.
It is healing.. Slowly getting me back to myself..