The Soulful Atom

After having given a truck load of shit in life for every tiny thing, I'm slowly moving towards a space of not giving much. I don't want to cause i love giving. But its exhausting trying to keep up with the masks and webs of lies. The betrayal has been to the extent that now its impossible to trust anyone, and that's exhausting. Its not been a single person or a single incident but a bunch of things, including my innate sense of insecurity. It's not that I haven't tried to satiate it or rid myself of it. But the time required or a balm to work on your wounds was always cut short by another wound. Again possibly by my fault of impatience. It takes two to tango they say, but maybe I'm an exception to the rule? Its not that I'm naive. I'm not. I just like to believe things. I like to believe in the innate goodness that i see in people. But people are not like me. They have masks. Even if there is a shard of goodness somewhere within them they have possibly destroyed it or choose to ignore it. Could be because of fear of exposing themselves to a possibility of hurt, which i dance with every single moment. I'm not scared of hurt, that doesn't mean I want it. It means its OK if there is hurt as long as there has been truth and equal efforts from both sides to maintain a relationship, truly believing what we feel and making it work. And then if things are not working the mutual respect to communicate and be truthful to each other and more importantly to oneself. There is a possibility that both will be on different pages of the book, and that's OK, as long as there is communication and clarity about these aspects between the two or three or four concerned people.
But as I said its hard to see this anymore. Not that i saw it before anytime. There was a hope that perhaps if i hang in there things will be different. This hope kept me going. But now, its difficult because its exhausting to see masks without the power to unravel them. Neither the desire. I do not understand masks. And if that means i will get trampled all along then so be it. Some people who care tell me i should have self respect and not let people do this to me. Yes they are right. But I'm more of an actor than a waiter (if those words make sense). I cannot stay put and let things happen, it makes me feel what if i was supposed to do something and the thing just passed me by cause i didn't do anything! Also my self-worth is defined by how i see myself. And my picture in my own eyes is clear. I know who i am. I will not say "perfect" but i know what I'm worthy of and though what i get from my actions doesn't equate it, i don't know of another way to deal with it.
I've said it many times before and yet again now- Perhaps its time. To change against my will. Maybe to just give it a try. What scares me is what if i can't change back! What if I'm stuck being someone i don't want to be and I cannot mend my way then? Will i remember who i used to be? Will i be able to become my old self again should i not like being the new me? I may not be scared of being hurt but I'm definitely scared of hurting. So perhaps i plunge into it and will stop giving a shit now on..