The Soulful Atom

It feels like something from another lifetime. It was strong. atleast felt so that point of time.. almost 6 years now.. People change a lot, i accept that. But then was what they showed that time true at all? Because now which can be seen doesn't add up. Maybe cause they changed yet again? There were promises made and actions taken supposedly, but no proof provided when asked for. I continued to believe words taking people at face value, though something kept nagging at the side, and hence the need for proof. The trust was lost when some things were found out back then. But love was still there and so the need for reassurance arose. Anyway, in all these muddy waters of true and lies, the grayness of all, the stuff which was left unsaid, and perhaps the lies which were spoken, we need to take a call about what we need to or have to do. Its the same thing as letting go or holding on. We would never know if it would've worked on had we held on a little more. We don't even know if whats being shown now is the truth. Perhaps they too chose to take a call which was much different from yours? It gives immense joy to see people happy even if they have hurt you to kingdom come. I've always prayed for everyone to get the things which i never got, hoping that atleast my prayers would come true for them. Though the pain remains its lessened by the fact that if they can be, perhaps some day i would too.
So, again, going ahead assuming and taking things at face value is what helps. I believe what i see, its much less painful than trying to decipher the truth, which again is multifaceted. I've always ached due to the fact that they got something which i so badly wanted from exactly those people i wanted it from! But thats life. I know what i need to do but somehow i've been scared or perhaps too lazy to change my ways.
But this is where i get my closure finally. After 6 long years. Of which you know nothing, though i always thought you understood even when there was no contact. But thank you for putting up these posts that you have. Its nice to finally see it for myself :)
For me what i felt was beyond anything i had ever felt, like i always told you.
Its nice that the same issues which i face, sleeplessness, restlessness are being addressed for someone else if not me. It gives me hope that one day they will be. If not by someone else then by my own self.
I feel like some kind of a magnet for same kind of boys/men. Cause i know for a fact that not all men lie. I've seen truthful ones around, though never with me. I get the liars. :) But that will change soon. Cause closure is what I'm getting now. Not only from you but all the others too.
Things that i've held on to so tightly are now loosening up and dispersing away in the wind.. Its a little sad but a lot refreshing..And so is seeing you happy. Cause no matter how badly people behave they do deserve to be happy, cause possibly some point of time in life they did make someone else happy and for other nice characteristics that they have as people. Hoping that the lies would stop in your life and everyone else's.
So here's assuming again that what i see and hear is the truth. Since i wear no masks i assume no one else does, be it at my detriment. Truth and honesty are the biggest strengths there ever were.

After having given a truck load of shit in life for every tiny thing, I'm slowly moving towards a space of not giving much. I don't want to cause i love giving. But its exhausting trying to keep up with the masks and webs of lies. The betrayal has been to the extent that now its impossible to trust anyone, and that's exhausting. Its not been a single person or a single incident but a bunch of things, including my innate sense of insecurity. It's not that I haven't tried to satiate it or rid myself of it. But the time required or a balm to work on your wounds was always cut short by another wound. Again possibly by my fault of impatience. It takes two to tango they say, but maybe I'm an exception to the rule? Its not that I'm naive. I'm not. I just like to believe things. I like to believe in the innate goodness that i see in people. But people are not like me. They have masks. Even if there is a shard of goodness somewhere within them they have possibly destroyed it or choose to ignore it. Could be because of fear of exposing themselves to a possibility of hurt, which i dance with every single moment. I'm not scared of hurt, that doesn't mean I want it. It means its OK if there is hurt as long as there has been truth and equal efforts from both sides to maintain a relationship, truly believing what we feel and making it work. And then if things are not working the mutual respect to communicate and be truthful to each other and more importantly to oneself. There is a possibility that both will be on different pages of the book, and that's OK, as long as there is communication and clarity about these aspects between the two or three or four concerned people.
But as I said its hard to see this anymore. Not that i saw it before anytime. There was a hope that perhaps if i hang in there things will be different. This hope kept me going. But now, its difficult because its exhausting to see masks without the power to unravel them. Neither the desire. I do not understand masks. And if that means i will get trampled all along then so be it. Some people who care tell me i should have self respect and not let people do this to me. Yes they are right. But I'm more of an actor than a waiter (if those words make sense). I cannot stay put and let things happen, it makes me feel what if i was supposed to do something and the thing just passed me by cause i didn't do anything! Also my self-worth is defined by how i see myself. And my picture in my own eyes is clear. I know who i am. I will not say "perfect" but i know what I'm worthy of and though what i get from my actions doesn't equate it, i don't know of another way to deal with it.
I've said it many times before and yet again now- Perhaps its time. To change against my will. Maybe to just give it a try. What scares me is what if i can't change back! What if I'm stuck being someone i don't want to be and I cannot mend my way then? Will i remember who i used to be? Will i be able to become my old self again should i not like being the new me? I may not be scared of being hurt but I'm definitely scared of hurting. So perhaps i plunge into it and will stop giving a shit now on..

Yes, its been many a moons
Since..
That Gulmohar tree and the imaginary games of sailing and flying
Since sarees of spare cloth
And then the ready to wear ones
Its been many a moons
Since..
You cradled me in your arms
The feeling that no matter what everything is going to be OK
The those magical mommy hugs that healed everything
Its been many a moons
Since..
Butterflies in the stomach
Stolen glances
Chits being passed secretly
The butterflies are now a rotting heap at the bottom of the pit.. Or they sit
on my ears in hope..
Its been many a moons
Since..
When friends could and would mend a heartbreak..
Now at times its friends who break something they had mended long ago
with their smiles and tears..
Its been many a moons..
Since the eyes laughed heartily and the heart rose and danced in joy..
Its been many a moons since I've been held like it was really meant..
Its been many a moons..
That I've been trying to fill up endless voids and seal the wounds, erase the scars..
Many a moons since I'm holding on, trying to be strong..
Many a moons since the moon himself smiled..

So a little analogy about how people walk separate. Consider a fly, randomly flying around sniffing at stuff, cleaning herself, and generally thriving happily, looking for a fruit she can settle into. She keeps running into many of them, some she likes some she doesn't. Then one day she finds a fruit she thinks she likes, so she goes on it. Its a nice fruit warm sweet cozy. So she settles down in it. She spends a lot of quality time being in it. The more time she spends the deeper she goes into it. And that is something she likes. After considerably time however something starts itching her. So she scratches it as a normal reflex, and it becomes OK. Life continues, but then another day the itch returns, a little more intensely, so she scratches again! This time however she is a bit wary. Though she consoles herself that its probably nothing to worry about. As she goes deeper the itch intensifies and so does the frequency. She thinks of talking to the fruit and does too. But the fruit is at a loss of what is happening. The fly can't take it any more. The fruit tries to make her comfortable cause obviously it likes her too, but it can't change its nature or cut parts of itself out! So its all in vain. The fly has to decide whether to keep scratching and bleeding and to leave. The fruit is sad but it can't see the fly dying each minute. So it leaves her free to make a decision. Sadly but with some hope and very painfully the fly extracts herself from the fruit. She is covered with it from top to bottom, and it weighs down on her. Her wings which she had prepared to never use again are all soggy and stuck. Slowly she walks away from the fruit.. Its painful but it needs to be done or she would've lost herself to some other kind of pain- the pain of not being able to be herself. She still loves the fruit and it loves her too, but they both know this needs to be done. She will find herself clean in sometimes, the heaviness will disappear and her wings will be crisp and sparkly soon, for her to take high flights as she used to. It will take time but she will gradually heal herself..
Sometimes, the fly sits in the fruit for this long or sometimes just for some time for the itch to set in. Some times even less amount of time can bring a large amount of baggage, depending on the kind of fruit and the kind of fly. If the fly is fragile any kind of fruit and less amount of time might bring stickiness. If the fruit is too mushy then any kind of fly will get stuck for longer and even if it doesn't there might still be heaviness.
Finding the right combination of fruit and fly is what relationships are all about. Hurt will be there no matter what, till you find the right fruit or fly. Sometimes the itch is temporary and not life threatening. Sometimes a little scratching helps, or just ignoring it might help too!
Its all about trying to understand what is happening and being on the same page with your fruit or fly! :)
So go on be fearless, be truthful, be brave, love, live! What else is there to it? ;) Don't be scared of the itch or soggy wings or impressions left by your fly.. Take your flight and plunge in, accept someone into you!! :)

You fit into me..
The gaps between my fingers..
The curve between my shoulder and chin..
You fit, warm and cozy..
There is no hurry, a sense of calm and peace engulfs us..
When you fit into me..
The swish of my waist..
The odd angle of my elbows..
Even my crooked nose..
You fit into me..
Through the wilderness of our pasts, here we have come to a haven.. Together yours and mine..
This moment in time.. This expanse that we've built with ourselves..
Of who we really are..
Without pretenses..
This post card of memories..
Where you fit into me perfectly..
The space behind my ear..
And the one between my lips..
As our eyes droop slowly to the intoxicating melody of the moonlight
And open crinkled by the tinkle of sunshine..
I find myself entangled in you..
As you fit into me..

Building up a house of cards. Carefully selecting a Queen and a King then an Ace and a Jack to go with them. Its the thing about queens and kings, an allure about them.. The aces have their own high place.. Its the jacks who do the work and are never given the acknowledgement, least said about the other cards, the better. So i started building a house of cards. Slowly and steadily. It went up high, I was thrilled as i kept adding cards upon cards. I could see it was beautiful, serene.. Then there was a light breeze.. It was refreshing since i was a little tried building this house of cards for myself. I was also waiting to see when it can be finally fit for me to stop and admire it. So the breeze was welcome, i closed my eyes to feel it caress my tired face and neck.. And in that fraction the house of cards lay flat on the floor. Hours and hours of careful hard-work it took to build my perfect house of cards and one light tiny breeze was all it took for the house to fall back. It didn't even put up a fight, it just fell. Disregarding my love and efforts.. And that when i realized, it was all just an illusion. Building delicate things like house of cards will eventually result in them falling flat. Its in their nature.. However, the sooner they fall the better it is. Disillusionment is the gift they bring in their falling. So that is what you can be thankful for.. No harm in building them, just know it, and be prepared for the gift. You never know which house might turn out to be of cards..

I have a tornado in my pocket
It likes to get out once in a while
I have a tornado in my pocket
And i think it is quite tamed
Unlike the dragon in my heart
Or atleast so it makes me feel
I have a tornado in my pocket
Which makes me zoom about at times
It takes me high up with it
And when it is bored with my weight it drops me smacking back down!
I have a pet tornado in my pocket
It likes me i think
Cause i sure love it!