The Soulful Atom

Life's come a full circle. (yes i can't live away from my baby for too long ;| ;) not need to roll those eyes! :D)
The atom was born when i was on a path to move on.. And has been with me through every twist n turn.. Every ecstasy and agony.. She's been my mirror when there was no means of communication or no living being to communicate with.
She's been patient, strong, and always there! No matter how many times i let go, no matter what foolishness i scribbled on her.. She was always there to take me on.. To egg me on.. To show me my true identity every time i got lost in the fog of pain.. She helped me to fight.. And to keep going to.. To never give up..
So yes, i can't stay away from her for long!

Well now to the essence of this post (do NOT roll eyes! :P or just get over with it once n for all :| )
Its been almost a month since a very tragic incident in my life. And it does feel like ages already. Every such incident has shown me the strength withing myself. My capability and hence i realized yet again that if one human can be capable of strength so can every other! So, if someone comes n tells you someday that they can't do something it means they don't want to do it. And your gut always tells you that so trust your instinct. In my case i always ignored it, hope and belief got the better of me every time. And though i know this so well, i might still end up making the same mistakes again. Cause i do hope and believe. I fight for what i want, cause in that moment that is what i want! Yes, it does sound very superficial, temporary, shallow etc.. But people who do have something that is so called "deep", "forever" etc are they happy? Eventually these are the kind of people who try to run away from what they have to find something meaningful, because deep within they are still unsure of what they have gotten themselves into. But so be it, its their choices, though sometimes choices of other people do affect us deeply, its our choice to let them affect us!

So well life has come full circle, there was something that started across oceans 3 years ago, or maybe a bit more.. And it has ended now again, across oceans. It feels weird. Each strand of the past seems to have faded finally, disintegrated into nothingness across the dark fabric of time.. And now this one will too, the process has started already. After all the blows of blame hit on my integrity, the judgements passed on my maturity, on my strength, on my humanity and the whole concept of me.. The process of disintegration finally began. It began a long time ago actually, but me being me kept ignoring it, kept believing, kept hoping, kept fooling myself, kept hurting.. But the gut wins. Not matter what you tell yourself and everyone around, deep down you know, always knew that it was not going to happen. No matter the beauty, the intensity, it was not time. They say some people are linked across the universe across many births.. Maybe that is true.. But time is important.. If its not time its not meant to be..
I just heard a song today which reflects this sort of "janam janam ka sath hai tumhara humara, jabse ghoome dharti, suraj chan sitare, tabse meri najar samjhe tere ishare.. aga na milte iss jevan me lete janam doobara" = we are meant to be together across births, since the time the earth started revolving my eyes have understood yours.. even if we don't meet in this birth we'll be born again for each other..

But for this life the circle keeps going on for me.. There's a twist and here's a turn and the circle completes. No matter what your heart craves what time wants is important.. That is what you shall get, so do what makes you happy and live in the moment. I was letting myself be dragged into being someone i am not.. And that's where things started falling apart.. Being a spirit untamed, even if i want to be tamed i do not well in being tamed. Wild and free as my atom.. :) :)

I realized that my inspiration is not love, not beauty or pain or life.. My inspiration is myself! And what i see, how i perceive, and if i keep my eyes closed to everything around there will be no inspiration! If i refuse to feel, if i deny to move on, if i keep saying no to experiences to doing things that i feel like doing on an impulse or planned then there will be no inspiration!

So it all boils down to me. The atom is mysterious even to me. But a true friend, someone who will never turn away the first chance she gets, someone who listens to only her heart, who is not governed by others around, who is brave enough to stand up for herself and for people she loves, who loves truly and completely, and also forgives equally.. somewhat like me (except the forgiveness part :P ) And so much more!! I've a long way to go to be entirely like the Atom. What started as the atom wanting to be like me has now turned to me wanting to be like the atom!

Life comes full circle and so glad to have found myself "yet again"..
So glad my dear atom for existing and never giving up! :)

BP- Duuuhhhh when had you gone? and WHERE had you gone!?!???!! :O :S what is going on!?!? *soap bubble burst*
CP- I'm not even going to bother saying welcome back now. Go clean your room, its a mess! (wish i could say that, but i cleaned up after you) :)


Me: YAY!! muaaaaaahhhh love you guys!!!!!! :D :D ^.^

Some old on circles