The Soulful Atom

Sigh! I don't know why I'm forever looking back! Past couple of year have been a whirlwind or activity, mental more than anything. Somehow I haven't been writing much and it keeps striking at me. Writing used to just spurt out. It used to be a release and more than that a companion. I look back cause there are some things which still remain un-reconciled (if that's even a word). The time alone which i required, i got, but somehow i ended up thinking about what im doing in that moment and what i will be doing ahead! Everything seems like a mess up there with un-coherent thoughts and images. The decomposition isn't happening as it should or how it used to. Could it be age? I doubt, after all the mind is more powerful than the body. Perhaps its just things which i had foretold happened that way and i didn't want them to. But like i said the power of the mind!! Things which happened including heartbreaks (well yeah, still!) and unwanted decisions taken knowingly or unknowingly, blindly trusting because i don't know any other way to trust, it always is blind initially when it comes to people, having the trust broken, all this seems to have taken its toll on some part of the brain. The lease i wanted was for it to take its toll on my words!
Somewhere i feel like i've going deeper inside me. The spirit to communicate to exclaim has got somewhat subdued. Ah heck! I no likes this!! It will come back I'm sure of it cause the atom can't stand calm for long! :D What helps is having a supportive company, families (now that i have two! :D) and friends (as always). They have been tolerant and supportive no matter what i did! Including the extended family. They are OK with whatever i do as long as it makes me happy! This reminds me of someone i once so called dated. It was a passionate affair and lasted for almost 4 years (my longest! ;)). It was love i would say. It was the end of everything else for me, and i thought it was the same for him. But sadly it wasn't for him. And after a long period of waiting and holding on i eventually saw that it wasn't going to go ahead the way i had thought it would, cause in his words "it takes two to tango" and since he wasn't much interested in making it work thought he tried to show otherwise, i had to harshly end it. Causing myself a lot of hurt, and the pain of not getting a proper closure. Three years was a long span for me specially when we were so intertwined. It left a deep wound, its healed now, but there is still a faint scar. Now each time we interact, it seems as if that reality which i had buried deep into me, that person whom i had loved back then with all i had, wasn't perhaps real. It was maybe all in my head, led on by him. I acted like i had warned him i would. Had he wanted to make things work he would've read the signs or atleast paid heed to my words and actions, but none of it happened. Thats what hurts me the most maybe. That even after having repeatedly warned him, he let my prediction come true.
Though, i never foretold what happens next after i take certain steps. I did only a little bit of which also has already come true. But the rest of my life is still remaining. How much ever its going to be! The decision to move on was not made, and hence not acted upon. It just happened haphazardly, like this post, and hence its not cut and dried properly. Some parts are still poking out jagged edges. To add to it something totally unexpected and hurtful happened yet again. Which has left me wondering if its really worth trusting anyone, and how does it matter if they do break your trust. Somewhere I've started to lose faith in this whole relationship and love and society and humanity concept. I always believe that if a person knows what they want and they do it then its alright no matter what they do, as long as its not hurting others, or if eventually that person is not going to be happy if they don't do it. Breaking someone'e trust and lying to someone about something that concerns them doesn't fall into that category.
So the question is about my faith. Do i keep giving blindly without expecting anything? Do i still feel like doing something for someone else? Frankly i don't anymore. And thats so not me! I was someone who derived immense pleasure out of giving, doing stuff for people, doing things that made them smile. Acceptance, therein lied my joy, my satisfaction. I needed someone to keep me on my toes all the time so that i wouldn't get bored. And thats what i did get and still am! However, now things are just a lottt subdued, maybe it happens when you enter a certain phase in your relationship where you know you have each other. Though now when i think what would i feel or do if there is someone else? Perhaps i wouldn't care, perhaps i would explode. Its all just so confusing. That even writing about it doesn't help.
Enough of looking back i would like to say. But there are bits and pieces lying there which i need to pick up. I've left some parts of me back there which are essential for my being, for my spirit. Things have happened way too fast in the past year or two, and i just haven't been able to get a grip on myself.
Though I'm sure my choices are good for a variety of reason. Could i have done better? Definitely! Much better. But i just chose one course of action and will stick to it for as long as i can. Maybe this stability is cause a disruption for me. Maybe it is something else. Who knows!
So many words and still nothing! haha.. Feel like continuing to write but its going to be a repeat of the same. There is a barrier which i need to break. But so far i have not been able to see it or figure it out, i can only feel it, but its still quite abstract. Anyhow, the need to look back seems to be slowly reducing, though im not a different person from who i was, maybe a little bit, but my spirit is still the same. Its just wounded a little bit, but it will be back up, soon. Cause if its not that, then its not me. And i love being me! :) :D