The Soulful Atom

She knew this would happen. She always knew she was right. She told him. She told herself and yet she did it. Over and over again. He didn't listen, or maybe he did but he didn't act, perhaps he could. And so she did it. She cut herself. She drowned. She burned. In hope that she wouldn't recognise herself after all this. But he was etched too deep inside. In her very skin. She could forget herself but him? The intensity of their love was too much. It had burned a gaping hole in her soul when she had tried to grope him out of with her filthy nails. Her nails filthy from all the crying, all the cursing all the yelling, all the writhing around in pain digging at her heart.. Her heart was frayed and stuck in her nails along with her hair. Oh such filth! She thought she could do it. She knew she would against her will. Yet she found love again. But it wasnt the same, it wasn't meant to be. It was flawed. But so were they back then.
This flaw was a bit different, this flaw was not meant to be tended to. It should've been uprooted or maybe not. It can't be, it shouldn't be. It wasn't a flaw. She knew this would happen. That she would be lost and confused again. That maybe she would never be the same again. She kept looking back. It poured down on her now, the rain. Merciless or maybe it was trying to soothe her. Trying to give some sort of reassurance. Trying to cuddle her. The warmth which always refused to belong to her. Which would never now belong to her.
She was a woman. A woman alone. She was accepted and yet she was alone. They both were alone. She more than him. Cause he had her. She would always be with him beyond death. As for her he was alive but not her's, he never was. She was never meant to be two maybe. She was meant to be a wandered a vagabond, a dusky gypsy holding mysteries from her past, unhealed wounds helping her get on with yet another day. She was meant to be a refuge for those struggling in their paths. A pond to drink at, rest and leave behind. Yet he had made her feel she was a meadow by herself, his home. Only to be left back time and again.
She has fallen in love again, as if she can help it. And it hurts. Its not fair. When was it ever fair. There are words and there are actions as well now but its just not enough. The hungry gaping vacuum in her heart asks for more, its an endless pit, and she fears for him. Though she needn't cause he is not her's! He will never be. Oh such irony. He gives whatever is left with him, whatever he can spare left from his true love. Its always been scraps for her. People dropping unwanted pennies in her belly.
She looks at him tries to descipher and she can see her.. The places she craved were taken- always, just like this one. There is no turning back. There is no healing only a wait.. A wait for the eternal, when she can leave him to her.. He is in her care till he can be ready for the final journey to his love..
She sits back and looks on to the falling rain, after a storm of tears has passed, yet again, back at a time when there was a little girl.. Naive, true, pure, hopeful, dreamy..